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Epiphanies Galore

Yesterday was a day of breakthroughs.

I had my first counseling session. So did he.

In mine, I slowly detailed how the “decoupling” occurred. I mentioned some key events that were catalysts to the “decoupling.” She asked a lot of questions relating to our 20-year relationship. She gave me advice on how to deal with the situation. She recommended for my own sanity that I set a deadline for analysis to end and progress to begin.

We moved on…she began to ask background-type questions: any physical violence? No; any excessive drinking? No; any drug use? No. Then, she asked about my family background. I shared with her that my dad was a notorious philanderer. He took it to Olympic levels, buying his girlfriends boats, paying the rent on their apartments, taking them on vacations, etc. My mom stayed with him as long as she could take it, “for the sake of the child.” They fought constantly. They fought loudly. They fought violently. They finally split when I was 13. As I recounted this to her, I began to cry. She interrupted me, “L___, do you understand what’s happening here? This is the first time you’ve cried during our session. You haven’t cried once about your marriage - your marriage IS over.”

She let me continue my story. I shared my post-divorce experiences with my dad. He moved to Florida, taking his latest girlfriend with him. I would visit him twice a year. On one visit, he actually used me as a decoy. We were going to Daytona Beach for the day. On the way there, we stopped to pick up his latest girlfriend. I spent the rest of the ride to Daytona trying to process what the hell he was doing. Once we got there, we laid out our towels side-by-side, as if there was nothing weird about it. He spent most of the day, on the towel next to me, making out with the girlfriend.

At the end, she came to the same conclusion I had previously (with the help of an EP friend). I was attracted to my stbx because he was safe, he was dependable, he was non-sexual, he would never cheat.

Breakthrough #1: my attitude towards sex and relationships in general has dramatically shifted. I am ready to move on to a healthy, adult relationship.

My session ended. I agreed we should talk more – not about my marriage, but about coming out of my shell and learning to trust others. I drove home. He came home later. He didn’t share the results of his counseling session. I didn’t push. Over dinner, he calmly stated, “by next Wednesday we should be able to take the next step in this process.”

Breakthrough #2: he is beginning to accept his new reality and is ready to move on.

I'm so encouraged :-)
PeachesGalore PeachesGalore 46-50, F 9 Responses Apr 12, 2012

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I am so happy for you. Hopefully the therapy will help you make better choices next time. We had a major blow out this weekend almost got to the divorce point but he sucked me back in but I think the next blow out will be the last. I am getting positioned ahead of schedule and I think he see's that this is over so hopefully each time he faces it, it gets easier. He even said he would sell the house if we split. Of course he did resort to the usual emotional blackmail but I ignored it.

Good for you on having the self-discipline to set goals and then exceed them!

So now you know why you married the man that you did. Those are some pretty gruesome memories of your childhood. Now you can start moving into an adult relationship. You really have come a long way...

Oh my God! I read your story, and I feel like I have been on a counselor's couch myself! My first husband cheated, and I knew (or believed) that this one wouldn't! Wow, that is astonishing to think that his reluctance to fool around was probably what reeled me in the most!! Yes, I would call that an epiphany for sure. This counselor is GOOD! And thank you for sharing with us!

I'm so glad to hear my post was helpful for you!

Yay Peaches!! This is GREAT news. So happy for you... You are moving speedily along. Good luck with your real estate comps. :)

Thanks :-) Good luck with the J-men! LOL...

I am very happy that your making progress. I seem stuck on the tracks leading to nowhere. You got him to therapy, my wife won't even acknowledge a problem? <br />
good luck, and yes, everything in our past shapes our future.

Thank You :-)
Actually he insisted on therapy. I interpret he used it as a stall tactic...that has ironically backfired on him, as his counselor is (it appears) leading him down the path of accepting that the relationship is over.
As of yesterday morning, he had not internalized that there was a problem. He'd say things like, "well yeah, our sex life wasn't the best..." or "yeah, we don't talk much..." or "yeah, I know I don't tell you I love you, but I'm not good at stuff like that...", but not acknowledge that these things contributed to the failed relationship.

Well I guess he was shocked to find his counselor was recommending his acceptance. I am afraid my wife would hurt me if I actually got the nerve to move out. My concern is she would actually try too change if I did. Because once I go, I am not coming back! I would like to feel loved at least once more before I am gone from this earth, and it will never happen with her!

If you're afraid of her hurting you (and please, by what do you mean, hurt?), then leave without warning. Don't create opportunities for her, and protect yourself!

OH when she gets angry she gets violent. Not that I* cannot protect myself but if I happen to hurt her in the process she will have me in jail. I would be afraid to sleep in the same house. She would be more angry that I have ever seen her. so I just don't know what she would do!

Run like the wind when the opportunity comes!!!

That is my plan, let the lawyers tell her.
I don't want to be a jerk, but better to be cold than in jail or worst.

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Your past forms you - but how you deal with the present makes you.

Understanding what makes us tick is truly amazing. I have done a lot of soul searching and found some good and bad things in my past. Don't be mad at yourself because your past is what makes us up. You wouldn't be who you are without your past.

Sounds like everybody is making progress. Hope you find a way to happier times soon.

Sounds like a good therapy session. It's tough to look inside ourselves ... feel our feelings ... let our tears flow. You're a strong and brave woman who has definitely been coming out of her shell. <br />
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So very happy for you !!!

Thank you :-) I think it'll be constructive for me to continue seeing her. We need to pull this childhood baggage outta me!