Epiphanies GaloreYesterday was a day of breakthroughs.
I had my first counseling session. So did he.
In mine, I slowly detailed how the “decoupling” occurred. I mentioned some key events that were catalysts to the “decoupling.” She asked a lot of questions relating to our 20-year relationship. She gave me advice on how to deal with the situation. She recommended for my own sanity that I set a deadline for analysis to end and progress to begin.
We moved on…she began to ask background-type questions: any physical violence? No; any excessive drinking? No; any drug use? No. Then, she asked about my family background. I shared with her that my dad was a notorious philanderer. He took it to Olympic levels, buying his girlfriends boats, paying the rent on their apartments, taking them on vacations, etc. My mom stayed with him as long as she could take it, “for the sake of the child.” They fought constantly. They fought loudly. They fought violently. They finally split when I was 13. As I recounted this to her, I began to cry. She interrupted me, “L___, do you understand what’s happening here? This is the first time you’ve cried during our session. You haven’t cried once about your marriage - your marriage IS over.”
She let me continue my story. I shared my post-divorce experiences with my dad. He moved to Florida, taking his latest girlfriend with him. I would visit him twice a year. On one visit, he actually used me as a decoy. We were going to Daytona Beach for the day. On the way there, we stopped to pick up his latest girlfriend. I spent the rest of the ride to Daytona trying to process what the hell he was doing. Once we got there, we laid out our towels side-by-side, as if there was nothing weird about it. He spent most of the day, on the towel next to me, making out with the girlfriend.
At the end, she came to the same conclusion I had previously (with the help of an EP friend). I was attracted to my stbx because he was safe, he was dependable, he was non-sexual, he would never cheat.
Breakthrough #1: my attitude towards sex and relationships in general has dramatically shifted. I am ready to move on to a healthy, adult relationship.
My session ended. I agreed we should talk more – not about my marriage, but about coming out of my shell and learning to trust others. I drove home. He came home later. He didn’t share the results of his counseling session. I didn’t push. Over dinner, he calmly stated, “by next Wednesday we should be able to take the next step in this process.”
Breakthrough #2: he is beginning to accept his new reality and is ready to move on.
I'm so encouraged :-)