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I Want To Leave A Good Husband.....and A Sexless Marriage......

I have made up my mind. If only I could execute my plan. I want to leave. I no longer have hope that things will change, and in reality I don't want things to change, as my feelings for this man are no longer the same.

But how can this be? He is an excellent husband with many good qualities. He is loyal, caring, kind, affectionate, a true gentle soul. We get along great and we never fight. In fact when I bring up our problem, he acknowledges that it’s his problem and promises that things will change, that he will put effort into it, that he loves me and does not want to loose me. It’s all promises, promises, promises.

I am 30 years old, and have been married for 2 years. We were married after a very short courtship, because we were “so in love”. My marriage has been sexless for about half that time. I sit here and still cannot believe that this is happening, call me naïve, but I just did not know that a man could not be interested in sex. In the beginning it was fine, not great, but good and I always thought that it would get better, I mean we were crazy about each other, I knew that he did not have much experience, and I thought that we would get there. I started to notice that he never initiated it, in fact if I didn’t come to him, it would not happen. Within the first few months of marriage, we would go a week or two without making love. I began to feel very depressed, I started wondering what was wrong with me, my self esteem took a hit and that is when my spirit started dying off little by little.

I would bring up the issue, and he would always say that he would try, but things never changed and he would just go on pretending that nothing is wrong. Things got worse and worse, and now we haven’t been intimate for about 9 months. The more I would ask for him to get help, the worse it got. He never seemed to put any real effort into trying to fix things. I straight up told him that if things didn’t change, I was going to leave. We started going to counselling and after the counsellor basically told him that this was his problem to fix and that he needed to go to therapy on his own, my H decided to quit the counselling sessions.

I have been living like this for the past year. I tell him that I am leaving (this has happened about 3-4 times this year). He cries, begs, makes promises, tells me he loves me and adores me, I back off a bit to let him try or because I feel bad for him, but nothing happens. Each time I would be so disappointed, but after so many broken promises I am immune now. He has never really given me a concrete answer on why. He has given so many BS excuses, I have even asked him if he was gay, or had been molested or if something horrible happened to him, to which he says no of course.

I have finally have accepted that this is who he is and he will not change. He is a good man, just not the man for me. I cannot live with a person that says he loves and adores me, then at the same time lets me suffer in silence (he knows exactly how I feel) and does not lift a finger to change things. I have been a good wife and have been more than patient, and tried to help in so many ways, but to no effect. We have no children, for that at least I am thankful, as I don’t think I could leave if we did. What this has done to me as a person if more than I can handle. I never knew how somebody's actions (or in my case, lack of action) can have such a deep negative impact on your feeling or self worth.
We are roommates, the best of friends, but not a married couple. I refuse to live like this for ever.

Kizan1021 Kizan1021 31-35, F 12 Responses Aug 5, 2012

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I am in the exact situation for 10 years with 2 children. If I did not have the children I would have left a long time ago. When you wrote your post I felt as though it was written by myself. So similar. It completely can erode who you are a s a women. The longer you stay the worse your self esteem plummets. Leave while you can.

Oh, ****. Why do we, human beings have to carry around so many charades? I am my husband's third wife. I am 17 years younger than him. I still love so many of his qualities, and we have been together for almost ten years. I found myself thinking "what if we stay together for more 20 years? Is this all my life will bring? I don't think I can do it!" I am going to miss him like crazy, and some of his qualities I won't find again in any other man. But the isolation has been killing me.

things havent changed because he SAYS he will change and you SAY you will leave BUT he hasnt changed and you havent left.You have to leave then hopefully he will change

he isn't doing anything as you are still there.you have to leave or at least pack up and pretend to leave.thats what i did.as long as you are there you are enabling the same behaviuor

I could relate to much of your post, and I truly hope that you will get out of the marriage because just as you said, it hurt your self-esteem and your spirit...you may be friends, and love him on a level, but it's not the marriage you deserve to have. I married my ex-husband at 25 and we divorced this year after almost 10 full years of marriage. I still liked him, got along and rarely fought, but I was not in love with him. He stopped initiating sex after about 1 month of dating, and even during our engagement we only had sex 1-2 times per month. It declined after that. I'd say average during our marriage was 3 times per year to have sex. I deceived myself into thinking I could live without it, it was normal, or thinking about how it was technically pretty good sex when we DID have it (amazingly, that's true...so weird). Every time we had sex it ended with me saying, "that was so good...we need to do it more often" and he would agree, and then it would be another 4 or 5 months until the next time. You can't live like that and be truly happy. My life now is not perfect, but I promise you I feel like I have my spirit back. I am madly in love with a man who is sexually compatible with me and makes me feel beautiful and wanted, among other wonderful things in our relationship. I don't know you personally but I believe you deserve the same thing, to feel this way.

Thank you so much for your story. Amazing how many of us are in this situation.

Wow, that's my story. Except I have been in it for 25 years. So silly of me. I hope you go, and find your happiness. Good luck.

I have the exact same experience, except it feels much worse. I am 32 and have gone 4+ years without sex or intimacy. My husband gives the same excuses and I too thought it was odd that a man not be interested in sex. Its good to know that I'm not alone. I want to leave but we have a toddler, and so I'm taking time to make the right decision for us both. Good luck!

Leave, leave now. I am a man in a sexless marriage for 35 years. I wrote a long story entitled When to Leave a Sexless Marriage? Don't make my mistake and stay or you will find yourself in the same position I am and wondering what could have been if I had the courage to leave well before we had kids and life took over. Good luck to you!

as someone who stayed and had a child - I would suggest not having one with your husband unless things change. good luck. I feel for you. I, too, never realized I'd end up with a man who didn't like sex - but I did.

I would not even dream of having a child with my husband in this situation, not that it's possible, as we haven't been intimate in a long time. But I am certain that things will not change, and I am in the process of leaving. I read your story and glad to know you are getting out. Good luck to you!

I had written a comment last night but when i read your story again today i realize that I must have been really tired and didn't like my response anymore. I mentioned therapy and reconciliation but you have already been and realize it wont work. So you know the only way to be happy is to leave. This is the first huge step. The second step is to start getting things ready (you don't have to tell him). Do you have a place to stay? Money? You will find that once you put your mind on it and focus on your next steps they will just start to happen. You will have the strength to do what you need to get done and in turn it will give you back your power. Your story and emotions and thoughts are exactly what I went though. Although I have kids I still needed to leave because no one deserves to live feeling this way. I wish you the best of luck and just know that no matter how hard it is to start once you get things going it will feel better and easier every day.

Thank you so much for your response! It has given me a great sense of relief and hope that there are people that have been through this and have gotten out.

As far as I’m concerned, I did everything possible to help him, to help our marriage. I tried to ignite his passion, made him get checked to see if it was something physical (testosterone and everything else came back fine), Therapy (only when I threatened to leave he agreed to go), but at the end of the day, I did all the work, and he put no effort. And now it is too late.

The hard part for me has been working up the courage to leave, I guess deep down I am afraid of what awaits me after this. But I am doing it, the decision has been made. My family has been more than supportive, so I am moving back home to start with and yes I am trying to slowly sort out money and all the other technicalities. I am no longer involving him, I am doing it without telling him much, when I do he goes into panic mode and he cries, and begs, and I don’t need that.

You are right, nobody deserves to live like this, it’s too isolating, too humiliating. If I stay, I know what my life will be like, and my misery would be no ones fault but mine. Thank you again, your words and your story are inspiring.

Good luck and all the best to you in the next chapter of your life.

Your situation echoes mine. I wish I had your will to finally go through with what I know I need to do to be truly happy.

I wish I could tell you it's easy, but it's not. For me, It has taken a lot of tears, heartache, guilt, shame and anger to come to this decision. But I started thinking of what my life would be like 5, 10 or 20 years down the line, and I know in my heart that things are not going to change. You know how they say about finding the one "when you know, you know"? Well, same goes for when you know your marriage is not going to work, when you know, you know. So if this was a survival game, it's either me or him. I choose me. I wish you the best and hope that you will do the same.

Thank you :). However I don't know if I learned quicker - it took me 6 years of having no clue what was wrong and why I was so down and 6 years of trying to get him interested in sex with me before my eyes were opened. And I only identified the problems from identifying with my (boyfriends) marriage problems. I just got out quicker I think. I don't like wasting time and I can shut off myself on order to get over it quickly.

and ps. I am separated from my husband now and found a wonderful man who loves me so much and would do anything for me. Coincidentally enough he was denied sex in his marriage too from his wife.

so interesting... I left my sexless marriage and found a man who was in a long term sexless relationship also. and we really really like eachother too. :)

Fantastic, hope you two will be very happy.