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Triggers

I am slowly discovering my emotional triggers.

My marriage to my ex was rotten with control. I had to do everything with him. He determined what it was that we "enjoyed." He determined the when, where, and how of my life. He determined my boundaries.

Anyway, back to those triggers.

That box that I was living within...it's gone. What was harshly defined is now ambiguous. I take nothing for granted...there are no assumptions.

And there it is. That's how I consistently reach my breaking point: that constant redefinition of me and my world. Every so often, when there's just too many things set before me, I falter. Heck, I'll admit it, I turn into a big baby at times.

But that's OK, providing I learn from it and move on.

There's a secondary issue I'm dealing with. I'll call it the validity of males. I was raised by a woman who believed that females are defined by the man they marry. That without a man, women are somehow less valid. She clearly trained me well. I am conscious of this little voice in my head (that is getting weaker and weaker by the day, thank goodness) working against me. I hear it muttering when I have an emotional trigger moment, "if only you had a man to lean on."

Mutter away little voice, I sent that ship sailing. I am now the captain, the first mate, and the crew. I will find my way. It may not be graceful, but I will redefine my life...single or otherwise.
PeachesGalore PeachesGalore 46-50, F 6 Responses Nov 9, 2012

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Good for you P! :)

You are a strong beautiful sexy vibrant woman. Discovering , your triggers and baggage left behind, even your weaknesses is all going to make you that much stronger and smarter. Right now you don't need a man to take care of you. You need to learn to live on your own and enjoy life with you setting your own rules. Than find a man you want to be with not need to be with. A man that deserves to be with you.

You didn't have a man to lean on while you were married either. You had a man who controlled you but to let you lean on him would have been too vulnerable. You're doing great. This journey is long and twisty but each step is one more forward.

One of the biggest mistakes to make when leaving one relationship is to rush into the false security of another. Just when a person needs some "me time" to reflect and define a new course for their life, they become hampered by the constraints and expectations of a new partner. That can become very distracting. Learn how to enjoy being unattached. You don't need a man to define you. You need a confident self-image.

Satori!

{{{big hug}}}

Re-learning and a new adventure with life, self-guided and independent, how fantastic is that!

I can see how things can become overwhelming; I am a look at the trees and not the forest, the forest is often too big and too much ("focus on the tree" is my mantra some days!).

I was lucky in that I was raised to not be defined by the person I married. Lean on your friends if needed, folks here, and know that you can depend on your strong, independent self. You can do it! =)