I am slowly discovering my emotional triggers.

My marriage to my ex was rotten with control. I had to do everything with him. He determined what it was that we "enjoyed." He determined the when, where, and how of my life. He determined my boundaries.

Anyway, back to those triggers.

That box that I was living's gone. What was harshly defined is now ambiguous. I take nothing for granted...there are no assumptions.

And there it is. That's how I consistently reach my breaking point: that constant redefinition of me and my world. Every so often, when there's just too many things set before me, I falter. Heck, I'll admit it, I turn into a big baby at times.

But that's OK, providing I learn from it and move on.

There's a secondary issue I'm dealing with. I'll call it the validity of males. I was raised by a woman who believed that females are defined by the man they marry. That without a man, women are somehow less valid. She clearly trained me well. I am conscious of this little voice in my head (that is getting weaker and weaker by the day, thank goodness) working against me. I hear it muttering when I have an emotional trigger moment, "if only you had a man to lean on."

Mutter away little voice, I sent that ship sailing. I am now the captain, the first mate, and the crew. I will find my way. It may not be graceful, but I will redefine my life...single or otherwise.
PeachesGalore PeachesGalore
46-50, F
3 Responses Nov 9, 2012

Good for you P! :)

You didn't have a man to lean on while you were married either. You had a man who controlled you but to let you lean on him would have been too vulnerable. You're doing great. This journey is long and twisty but each step is one more forward.

One of the biggest mistakes to make when leaving one relationship is to rush into the false security of another. Just when a person needs some "me time" to reflect and define a new course for their life, they become hampered by the constraints and expectations of a new partner. That can become very distracting. Learn how to enjoy being unattached. You don't need a man to define you. You need a confident self-image.