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So Confused

I have been married for almost 10 years. We were married in our mid 30's and after waiting for what seemed like forever I met my husband and we had a wounderful beginning. My husband is an alcholic and I knew this when I married him but over the last 3 years its been getting worse and his sex drive has gone to nothing. At first we had sex all the time. Two three times a day. Then he started not being able to perform. Stay hard. At first I thought it was me then the more I read and researched I realized it was not me it is him. Now, for the last year or so he has had no desire to have sex at all. I dont know if it's because he just doesnt have any desire or the alchole has numbed him to any feeling down there and he just can not get an erection. I have talked to him regarding his lack of desire and the fact that there are options avaiable to him regarding sex and his lack of getting an erection but he doesnt want to hear any of it. He thinks it is normal to not have sex and says that if I dont like it then I have to make these choices for myself.
I love him I truly love him with all of my heart but I want to have sex. I want to have sex for hours and not stop. I am not much of the cuddle, touchie feelie type person I just want sex. I want sex with my husband and if I cant have that, is it wrong to have it with someone else? I dont want to leave my husband. In every other aspect of my life with him we get along great. We have a perfect relationship otherwise. He is still the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and my best friend. I dont even think it would bother him if I did have an affair as long as he doesnt know anything about the details. I am so confused. I dont even know where to go with this. Any Advice?
bjbsipe bjbsipe 46-50, F 8 Responses Nov 21, 2012

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I have been around nothing but alcoholics my entire life. I also have suffered from alcoholism myself. He needs help, I know it is hard and it may get to a point where you will not be able to handle it and may have to go. Maybe an intervention if there are other family members, maybe send him to rehab... I know it isn't that easy.

Leave and run far far away!! Make the choice that puts you first, not him. Choose to love yourself right now more than anyone else, especially your sad husband. Good luck!!

The reason humans get together is to nurture each other and tend to each other needs selflessly. Surely there are some needs that can only be tended to in the presence of certain catalysts for them to be fulfilling at the moment and in future. You may enjoy sex with another married man for the moment but you'd never be able to enjoy the future of his wife knowing and the misery she may cause. I suggest instead of risking misery by trying to keep your companionship with your selfish husband, move on to another relationship marriage where you will enjoy without guilt and fear of the future.
I'm in a sexless marriage and you can read my story. Against all that I believed against divorce, i've decided that I'd rather be a divorced then married man, than live with the stigma of being a cheating man or worse a home wrecker. Read my story. I hope this helps. I wish you happiness. And I also wish I will meet someone like you.

I have had the same thing happen, and my husband flat out told me i can have sex with other men as long as he doesn't know the details and i don't fall in love with them. What kind of life is that? Not my idea of a marriage and if you are truly unhappy (which you seem to be), I suggest you move on from him. He more than likely will not change, but you cannot wait around thinking you wasted your life. Hope you make the best decision for YOU!

If you don't want to leave then simply outsource you physical needs. You are a woman so you should be able to find someone pretty easily. But like Riley mentioned keep your emotions at home and make it purely physical!! I would suggest you also choose a married partner who is in a similar situation this way you both know exactly what the other is wanting

and where do people go to find others in their situation? And if I find someone who I would like to have "outsource my physical needs" how do you start a conversation like that? I am having so many issues with all of this. I am so torn by what I have always believed to be right and what I know I want to do.

I can tell you where to look and it will be easier then you think, and when you find one you are interested in just be honest about your intentions and make sure its clear that you are only interested in the physical. You will have 100's to choose from so you could be selective and shouldn't have to settle

I would love an add and to get to know you

Have an affair but keep your emotions about it away from home (that's not always easy).

If you gave him an ultimatum and he started having sex to keep you would he enjoy it, would you? Sex is so much better when the one you are having sex with wants to be having sex too. Pleasing my partner is a big part of the fun.

I am sorry to say but he is making his decision...unfortunately you will have to make yours.

Hey bjbsipe your not going to change his attitude. You said he told you, you have to make choices for yourself. So what does that mean really. Think about it. It means he does not want to improve himself or help improve the marriage. Do you see yourself in this miserable situation at 60 years old. He needs an ultimatum. Either go to counseling if not leave.

thank you so much for the advice. I have so much to think about. I would like to think that I didnt just waste 12 yers of my life.