What Doesn't Kill You....

I look back to how my life was a month ago and cannot believe how sad it was. Staring outside of my window out into the streets of Bamberg, Germany, I longed for the life i could be missing out on; instead, i was conformed to a sexless marriage. I thought about how i wanted to get married only once and live a happy, normal life with a husband who truly cared for me. It happened, just not in the way i had originally hoped. My husband and I had sex very frequently before we got married, but even prior to that (I'd say about 2 months) the sex dwindled to once every 2 weeks. I thought it was stress from moving to a new country, work, family issues, and everyday things, so i didn't worry too much about it. After we got married at the courthouse, moved to Germany (Army post), and began our adventure together, things took a turn for the worst. It got to the point where i was begging like a dog for any sexual contact, and i wondered what was wrong with me and what had changed. He would come home from work, cook a nice meal, watch tv with me and spend quality time. We would get into bed and cuddle, and that is as far as it went most nights. What sex i did get was once a month and always initiated by yours truly. I am 21 years old and my husband is 25, meaning: We are too young to be dealing with such an issue. I asked him many times throughout our relationship to seek help in the forms of: medical testing for testosterone levels, reading books on sex and relationships, marriage therapy, and just slowly try to figure out what is going on. He refused to talk to someone because of pride. No check ups for the doctor, NOTHING. I did all the work in this relationship as far as intimacy, while he chose to ignore the problem until i had a nervous breakdown. He was a great roommate, someone to talk to, great with our family and pets (no kids), and helped around the house and brought home the bacon. I cannot understand this other than he watched me suffer and be humiliated time and time again, yet he did nothing to stop it. I asked if he was gay, cheating, or had some sexual history and abuse he might have been ashamed of. All answers were no. He told me he loved me, he was sorry, and that he would fix it. One day, we had a late night talk and he finally told me he loved me but was not "in" love with me, not attracted to me although i am pretty, and he could live like this for the rest of our lives and be okay with it. I knew right then, i had to leave. Such a terrible thing to end a marriage, but a more terrible thing to not love yourself enough to put up with a spouse who isn't giving you what you need to feel loved, safe, and uplifted. I left the country in October of 2012, and came back to the US. I won't lie to you and tell you it is going to be easy; however, i will tell you IT IS WORTH IT. YOU ARE WORTH IT. No matter how much this individual claimed they loved you, no matter how humiliating it is to be rejected, no matter what fears you have for the future..you must give yourself a fighting chance at happiness. Don't let anything hold you back from being in a place in your life that makes sense. I used to walk on eggshells trying to be the perfect wife in order to receive what i had a right to. Don't live like i did. In that short amount of time, it felt like an eternity of waiting to deserve love. I am now going to school soon, found a local job, and am picking up the pieces of my life. Your spouse may say they love you, maybe in their own way, but that doesn't mean they are meant for you. This is the best decision i have ever made, and i know one day i will find someone to love me the right way. It is tough to start off, but it gets better everyday. I had to forget what i wanted, and remember what i deserved.