Stuck In The Middle

I married my friend. I've been with him for over a decade years. I thought because he was stable, kind, loving, reliable and an amazing father, I'd love him. Now, I am in a sexless marriage. We love one another have children and turns out my DH has a crippling case of anxiety which led us to this place. We are separated but living together and love eachother dearly, but I don't want to live the rest of my life in a sexless marriage or when we do have sex it's forced, and I feel like I'm lying every moment just to try to love him in an intimate way. How do you leave a man you love and respect but after years of neglect and deliberate withholding of affection because you want to have genuine natural intimacy? Help me. I assure you it can't be fixed and I've done EVERYTHING you could advise to fix this issue.
An Ep User An EP User
5 Responses Jan 20, 2013

Think of him as a close friend. You can love your close friends, but not want to be married to them because marriage differs from just friendship because marriage is expected to include sex. You can still be friends with him after divorcing him.

Already gave similar response. Marriage and long term relationship kill lust and passion, and without lust sex is no fun, dead. But sex gives us the greatest pleasure we humans can feel, so you better find yourself a new lover and he will reignite the lust in you, and make sex even more enjoyable then ever before. Life without passionate sex is no worth living.

I too married a similar man. I overlooked the bad sex because everything else good outweighed that one thing. Until we got married and he told me that he felt like sex was taboo based on how he was raised. And I was patient, but was hurt, angry, confused, sad and angry all at the same time. I begged him to go see a doctor and therapist for years, but he denied he had a problem. Well, 9+ years later and two young kids, we are divorcing. I cannot change him, I cannot fix him. He even told me "I DON'T WANT TO CHANGE FOR YOU". And that was that. I plead with you to recognize that if he can't love you the way you deserve to be loved now, I'm 99% sure he won't be able to do it in the future. Head over to the ILIASM board for more support. And ping me if you would like to chat. Hang in there.

Well after many sessions with a therapist he has admitted he has anxiety and a fear of sex. Had I known this years ago, I may have had the strength to support him,,but I have nothing left to give.

That is exactly the case with my STBX, although never diagnosed formally, only diagnosed by me. I gave up a long time ago too. There's nothing you can really do to fix or change that for him. You either have to be ok with living with it, or choosing to get out of it. Sad but true.

I know this now. Luckily he is a very good man. He is seeing a psych and she gave him meds. Problem is I'm done giving. :(. So we are BF. I'm only 36 and this started when I was 26. So I feel like many years were wasted and I feel like who the hell wants a mother of three at 36. But I can't imagine I was destined to be in bad relationships (premarriage) or ones where I do all the giving. I almost feel like maybe I should just settle because he never mistreated me. But my therapists (all three lol) said that I've learned to compromise to the point of igniting my needs. Which is why I'm resentful. Sigh...I'm tired of hearing about this. Lol I just want to get as much as I give or maybe close to it. Seems impossible.

You cannot "fix" this issue... I am divorcing my husband of 20 yrs as we speak and this issue was at the forefront of our marriage ... It is not the only reason for the divorce but a major force within it.. After claiming early on in the marriage that he had been sexually abused as a child.I spent many many years trying to be understanding,empathetic, we saw many therapists.I truely believed that my husband was a broken man....Two kids and 20 yrs later ,I discovered that while he had me convinced that he was unable to maintain a sex life with me, that it did not mean that he was could not with anyone else.....and that in actuality he had been sleeping around and having relationships with many people for the majority of 20 yrs.... He had been living a double life and I was just his cover.... Head my advice .... Do not waist another second of your time, energy and life on a man who cannot ,for HIS own reasons ,really love you.....

I too feel I have done everything to "fix" this heart of mine to love a good man, nearly a perfect man in an intimate way. I don't just mean physically but in an endearing way as my beloved. I love him more as a father figure...which I guess isn't bad. Yet, it's not an idea of a loving marriage. Am I selfish for wanting more. I can relate to your story. May I suggest keeping your head and heart clear so you may discern the path you must take. I am trying to do the same. Take care

It's horrible...would love a kindred spirit to discuss. I too feel like my DH fathers me.,.care to trade emails?