Breakaway

I'm starting this group as a spin-off from the "I Live in a Sexless Marriage" group.  I expect people with congruent feelings in that group to be at odds in this group, based on things like gender, financial well being, social strata, etc.  Let's see how it goes.
grendelan grendelan
46-50, M
27 Responses Jul 12, 2007

I am in too....

I want to leave but I have been with my husband for so long. I can support myself and I can make it, but I will miss him. I can not stay in a sexless relationship....This is the first time I have ever talked about this.

I'm in, because I gave everything - cleared his debts, shared MY house, was honest and loving - only to find out, after 2 1/2 years, that he sex-starved his previous 2 wives into infidelity, then blamed them. I am getting help to rebuild my self-esteem, and to get me back into work (when, at present, I cannot conceive anyone believing I am worth employing). He said, recently, that (if we cannot fix this in our current therapy, which he is half-heartedly attending) he will leave, and not try to take any part of my home, but I have to re-build myself so that I can take over all of the finances again(I currently only match 5/8 of his contribution). He will walk away with no problems (I paid them off), and (presumably) do this to the next poor, unsuspecting, loving woman. I wasn't weak before this happened, but I feel emotionally battered at present.

I'm in, because I gave everything - cleared his debts, shared MY house, was honest and loving - only to find out, after 2 1/2 years, that he sex-starved his previous 2 wives into infidelity, then blamed them. I am getting help to rebuild my self-esteem, and to get me back into work (when, at present, I cannot conceive anyone believing I am worth employing). He said, recently, that (if we cannot fix this in our current therapy, which he is half-heartedly attending) he will leave, and not try to take any part of my home, but I have to re-build myself so that I can take over all of the finances again(I currently only match 5/8 of his contribution). He will walk away with no problems (I paid them off), and (presumably) do this to the next poor, unsuspecting, loving woman. I wasn't weak before this happened, but I feel emotionally battered at present.

hi, just randomly arrived here, desperately searching for a way to salvage a sexless marriage.<br />
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we've been married almost 15 years, and we've hardly ever had sex. not on our wedding night, never more than four times in a year, and not even once in the last 8 years or so. miraculously, we have 2 kids.<br />
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i gave her everything i had, everything i am. i don't understand why she treats me so horribly. i don't know of anything that i have done to deserve this. she has driven us into the dirt financially. she has done things that hav ruined my good name and caused deep embarrassment.<br />
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i don't know if i love her anymore because of what she's done to me. i feel bitter, depressed, alone, miserable, and stuck. i would be 100% thrilled if she changed, but i don't beliee that will ever happen.<br />
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i think she is mentally ill, but she won't talk about it. she says that I am the one who needs counseling. actually, we can't talk about ANYthing without her having a meltdown, getting defensive, blaming me, and acting like a living martyr.<br />
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i want this to all change. i need to know that she loves me before i can be sure that i love her. i never thought i'd say that, because i was sure that i loved her uncondtionally, but she has been so cruel and cold for so long that it has worn me down.<br />
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i have no idea what i'm going to do, but i just had to get that off my chest.

I'm in also! I know exactly where you are coming from, with the very little or absolutely no sex at all for weeks on end. My husband doesn't get that this is a way to express your feelings for one another. I don't understand this either. I've been planning to leave for awhile now, but like many I need to think of the financial picture and where to go. My children are older so that's not too much of a problem. I am actually waiting for our youngest to graduate high school next year. Until then, I have been paying off bills so I can save enough to leave. Even though I am not happy, this is still the hardest thing I am ever going to do. I never intended my marriage to go in this direction, though I don't think any of us do.

yeah, i say leave! there are very few relationships that i have seen where that isn't the correct answer to this problem of sexless marriage. <BR><BR>it is a way of taking one's life back, definitely. i hope to do the same very shortly, when i can financially manage it on my own. <BR><BR>i've been involved in various online communities regarding this issue for quite some time, and the time and money, and counselling and gas, and electricity wasted on this issue alone could solve our energy crisis. people will do anything to try to motivate the unwilling partner, when really it is just a simple fact that they don't desire us in that way any more. <BR><BR>naturally they don't want to come out and say this, however, as they are usually comfortable with the status quo and don't want to be perceived as the 'bad guy'. that leaves it to us, just like the agonizing, tears, frustration, and exhaustive search for the keys to this problem were our task alone. you know the saying about wanting something done--ask the busiest person in the room. we are the busiest people in the room of our relationships. <BR><BR>it is all energy better spent improving one's own life, rather than suffering for someone who obviously doesn't care, or at least doesn't care enough to bother themselves over it.

Suspiria, <br />
Are your comments aimed at AlBebahk? I guess he hijacked my thread. <br />
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Do you have thoughts on the thread topic? Any insight on leave versus stay?

he felt the need, because he admittedly doesn't believe that there are men who exist who don't want sex from their wives.<br />
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this leads one to assume, probably mistakenly, that he believes that if your man doesn't want sex, you must've done something wrong.<br />
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and i get you totally on having to be 'in love', or at least care. if i couldn't care if you got hit by a bus next week, why would i want to share my body with you? and if you felt the same, why would i let you near me?<br />
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that kind of caring we can do without, thanks!

grendelan: The misunderstanding comes when someone from EP deems themselves worthy to judge another persons life when they have not even read that persons "experience"<br />
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I've been with EP for over a year now, and there are times when I have left a judgmental post, but that's only after first reading that persons experiences! I can take constructive criticizum very well. But AlBebahk was not giving advice brought forth from years of personal experiences. He was judging me without even bothering to read what he was talking about, and that is what upset me. Every one here has the right to criticize and to judge, but this place is called "The Experience Project" because everyone here has had an experience which they cannot freely share with another. AlBebahk does not even have his own experiences posted on his profile. He is one of those many oddball EP posters who leave many posts to other peoples stories but never bother to tell their own story. <br />
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I am still confused as to why AlBebahk felt the need to tell me, a 43 year old woman with 26 years of marriage, to "grow up" And why he seems to feel I am at fault for the man I "broke" Yes, grendelan, those words were very clearly directed to me.<br />
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Yet "unhappy" gets a sympathetic and caring post and my experience basically mirrors hers.<br />
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Go figure? Whatever....life does go on.

CrimsonTears: I think the friction here is more misunderstanding than anything else. If I'm not mistaken, we're all in the same boat. AlBebahk doesn't speak for all men. You don't speak for all women. <br />
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Re-read the posts that caused this dissention, and ask yourselves some tough questions. Why does this make me uncomfortable? Why does this challenge me? We all feel helpless at times, but there has to be something, at least some small thing, we can do each day, to bring us closer to a healthy, loving, place.

This is the reply you gave to "unhappy" on another sexless marriage post of the same day.<br />
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*****Yep. I know that feeling. My wife knows she has medical problems, even promises from time to time to follow her doctor's advice to address the issues leading to her lack of sex drive, but nope... I get the feeling (it's been years since we've been together) that my wife would merily wait until the end of time before actually doing something positive about our sex life. It's very hurtful. When a man or woman has problems and withdraws from this aspect of their marriage, they're taking the other person hostage. There's nothing fair about it. You, the healthy one, are held at gunpoint by your partner and your two unsavory choices are A) no sex any more, pal, for the rest of your life or B) you have to cheat and take that emotional hit.<br />
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What kind of so-called friend would do that to another friend? Can you imagine? Take this ridiculous scenario outside of a marriage.*****<br />
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It amazes me that you are able to genuinely care about one persons experience, yet you don't even read my "experience" and you feel it's ok to judge me.<br />
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*****If you keep finding reasons to put off getting a divorce, if you keep on stating reasons why you can't get your marriage fixed, then strangely, you must want what you have. Sure, you can line up all manner of excuses and reasons for continuing to subject yourself to the torture, but honestly you must be getting something out of it.*****<br />
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Sir, I am not finding reasons. I have ONE very solid reason, I've no money to be on my own. I may want to be divorced, but I most certainly don't want to be homeless!<br />
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*****Do the honorable thing. Grow up. Leave peacefully. And support yourself like a sovereign adult. Show the character you promised God you had when you took your marriage vows in the first place.*****<br />
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Again! How dare you judge me and you have not even read my story, which is on my profile! I have been married 26 years! I have taken my family through thick and thin, I have taken them through things that would give you nightmares! I was a virgin bride! My VOWS were imprinted as part of my wedding invitations! It is because of my unwillingness to give up on my husband, because of our sacred bows that we have endured 26 years! Who in the hell are you to judge!!!!<br />
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If you had read my profile and my stories then you would know that my story mirrors that of "unhappy" and apparently after I read your brief post to "unhappy" your story mirrors hers as well. So what puzzles me is why in the ******* hell you leave her such a tender heartwarming heartfelt post and I get. <br />
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*****"Starting with a bacwards belief system that led you to the very broken man who won't have sex with you." ***** <br />
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Do you think it's a "backwards belief system" that could lead me to nourish a 26 year marriage?<br />
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*****Maybe you can't fix this relationship, but you'd better understand what YOU are doing before you repeat this cycle with another man.*****<br />
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Just what in the hell do you think I am doing?!!!! Apparently you seem to think my sexless marriage is something that "I did" Again, I am utterly amazed that you could draw such a conclusion over my simple little post, which btw was written on one particularly sad day for me....You know, those sad similar days that "unhappy" goes through, that simple human emotion which gives everyone on this earth the need to be loved, touched, kissed! Yet unhappy gets from you, <br />
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*****It's very hurtful. When a man or woman has problems and withdraws from this aspect of their marriage, they're taking the other person hostage. There's nothing fair about it. You, the healthy one, are held at gunpoint by your partner******<br />
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*****You present a logic puzzle at the end of your posting. "I'm one of those.. women who can only do 'it' if they are in love." That tells me you seek men who have NO sex drive to fall in love with... THEN you want sex? Interesting.<br />
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Men who want sex are deviants? I think you have some responsibility here.******<br />
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I am 43 years old, at 17 I was a virgin bride, I have only been with one. The thought of being with another man is terrifying to me, so much that tears are welling in my eyes as I write this. I didn't want my marriage to become a dead marriage, who on this forum does? I didn't want the man I married to become just roommates, not even friends. Because as you told "unhappy" who would have such a friend. It is because I was a virgin bride at the tender age of 17 and I've only been with one that I can only do "it" if I am in love with the man. And that is why I am so utterly hopeless, because men seem to have the impression that people only need to **********, or have one night stands to satisfy their needs. But I can't go there because for 26 years I've only been with one man! I can't change who I am....not after 26 years! and I wouldn't want to! But I am not like most other women! I haven't had multiple sexual partners! I can't bed hop! And it's because of my "sacred vows" That I can't cheat on my husband, because in doing so I would also be cheating on my boyfriend. And sex just means more to me than a quick ****!!!!!

If you keep finding reasons to put off getting a divorce, if you keep on stating reasons why you can't get your marriage fixed, then strangely, you must want what you have. Sure, you can line up all manner of excuses and reasons for continuing to subject yourself to the torture, but honestly you must be getting something out of it if that's the case. You don't have to like this, but It's probably true. <br />
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You present a logic puzzle at the end of your posting. "I'm one of those.. women who can only do 'it' if they are in love." That tells me you seek men who have NO sex drive to fall in love with... THEN you want sex? Interesting. <br />
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Men who want sex are deviants? I think you have some responsibility here. Starting with a bacwards belief system that led you to the very broken man who won't have sex with you. <br />
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Maybe you can't fix this relationship, but you'd better understand what YOU are doing before you repeat this cycle with another man.<br />
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(Yes, all of this advice actually applies to me. I know).

Our country is so funny. Somehow we've become oversexed on the one hand, and on the other hand married couples seem to be having sex less and less, and suffering for the lack of it. Why? When did women (sorry, I still have a hard time with the idea that men don't want sex, yet I know it happens a lot) get the idea that men don't want or need sex? When did people get the idea that withholding sex, not trying at sex, using sex as a tool for control, when did this bit of idiotic theory take root? Don't we have enough problems going though life? Why do people need to stab the very person trying to help them, in the heart with absolute physical rejection? How utterly stupid is that? It's the most commonly known bit of common knowledge in the universe! It's more well known than Newton's law of gravity! <br />
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People, men, women, if you get to this point where it somehow makes 'sense' to you to withhold sex from your parter, but you want everything else he/she provides - slap yourself. YOU ARE GUILTY OF A CRIME. Feel shame. <br />
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You would never treat anybody but your spouse that way... not friends, not coworkers, not distant cousins, not school-mates... but you'll stab your so-called loved one in the heart, twist the blade, then demand spousal support. Great show of character.<br />
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Do the honorable thing. Grow up. Leave peacefully. And support yourself like a sovereign adult. Show the character you promised God you had when you took your marriage vows in the first place.

I wish I were at a point in my life where I could join this, but obstacles and delays so early in the year just won't let that happen. My marriage is so dead it needs to be put to rest. Everyday is a struggle to get past the negative thoughts that forcibly linger in my head, such as. "I won't ever be loved again" I wont' ever be kissed again" "I won't ever know human touch again" My optimistic side tells me it will happen, I just need to work at getting that ellusive job so that I can gain the financial independence I need to get divorced. I surf through Craigslist everyday reading the ads of men who claim they want a real woman to love them. But deep down I know they are only deviants who are obsessed with sleeping with women they have met online, or will just want cyber sex. <br />
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I'm one of those pathetic women who can only do "it" if they are in love with the guy. I am such a mess.

No legal trick or trap...just manipulated into leaving my successful career to making less than him.....2nd marriage, both had homes, his paid off, mine had mortgage. Lawyer said I would be awarded my home since I bought it before we married....big *** problem - I can no longer afford this house on my own - he can, and he wants the house. Since economy is SOOOO unbelievalby bad here (I'm in Michigan) they will award him the house so it doesn't all into foreclosure. <br />
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In this state, all other assets accumulated DURING the marriage and divided in 1/2. I won't be able to touch his paid off house....I'm am newly 50, and a little freaked about that...and planning to move into my mothers. Oh my, what happens to our lives?

Grim determination, then. Still, so much better than despair.

This is a tricky tightrope and depends on state law. In my case, though my husband earns far less than I do, at one point the roles were reversed. <br />
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My name is on the title of the house - since he wrecked his credit twice during our marriage. Most of the debt is also in my name. My home state has joint property laws, thus he is entitled to half (and possibly more) of any of our property. For example, I can't sell the house without his express permission. I could also be in the situation of having to pay alimony. <br />
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Since the house is our only asset, and my small retirement fund is in a state employees account, it can't be drawn out until retirement - I'm hoping to drain down some of the equity in the house to pay shared debts and then put the house for sale. There probably won't be much cash left to divide (if any). If I could I'd drain the retirement too - to clear any lingering claims. I am planning to disentangle the finances first, sell the house as quickly as possible, then ask for a separation. I am selling everything I owned before the marriage that is of any value. I plan to let him have whatever he wants that was obtained during the marriage. <br />
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I will walk away with essentially nothing of material value, but my self-respect is worth more than remaining in this situation. Like you Emily50, my marriage once undermined my self-esteem and began to erode my confidence, and performance at work. <br />
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I'm hoping that the fact that we do not have children means that we can come to an equitable dissolution of our property. I don't even care about a divorce, or if the separation lasts for the rest of my life. I have no plans to ever marry again.

emily50: one of the things I was hoping we could share in this group was the practical side of breaking free. The stereotype, or conventional wisdom, about distribution of "stuff" with a divorce, would say you'd keep at least half.... is there some trick or trap here you can warn us about? Without disclosing anything personal, of course.

I'm in. Thank you all for some of your comments. I was an independent, career woman when I remarried, ,and not only did he ruin my carrer, but has worked on my self worth. I am taking my last bit of sanity and planning my leave. Of course, he is going to get MY house. I don't understand a man that doesn't want sex. I though all men wanted sex. What my husband doesn't realize is that no sex has led us to a superficial relationship, more like my brother. I don't understand

Testing the waters here...swimming outside the sexless marriage forum. <br />
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Its decision time for me. My New Year's letter hasn't really reset the cold war in my house. <br />
http://www.experienceproject.com/uw.php?e=120071<br />
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He continues to be withdrawn, and to keep everything to himself (even the fact that two leaks have appeared in the ceiling of his bedroom!! I'm in the process of trying to figure out the finances, how to begin to pull those apart, what we can sell, assessing what needs to be fixed to sell the house in this crappy market. Things are very critical here on the money front. I'm the major breadwinner. Maybe he feels controlled by the credit card debt like you do Grendelan- right now I've realized this is one of two major reasons I stay. I don't ever want to feel trapped like this again. The other reason I stay is wanting to learn enough never to make the same mistakes in a relationship again. I'm no longer certain that this one is reparable, so that means I've failed at marriage twice now - and have spent half of my life married to men who keep telling me they are unhappy and want to leave me (but don't) so I am left standing as the one to end it. <br />
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I hope your new year plan is working better than mine!

i feel like i need to go somewhere else or someone else<br />
she cannot explain to me why she is no longer interested. other than she is not having any desires but she does'nt want me to enjoy my self if i wish. boy what to do! this has gone for 15 yrs

I'm in!

Grendelan, I am about to join the new group you created. After last night, I HAVE to leave - no choice anymore. I am supposed to find out about a job tomorrow and as soon as I am hired (and I'm pretty confident that I have the job), I will be starting my search for a new home for me and my girls.... they are upset about it, but I can't keep this up much longer. I'm going to do something drastic if I do and then where will my kids be? <br />
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I have to figure out finances and moving expenses while starting and learning a new job and that will suck - not to mention my kids changing schools and trying to help them adjust to that also.... <br />
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There is so much to think about - so let's just say that before I jump into another relationship/marriage, I will put WAY more thought into THAT before accepting things.... I have so learned my lesson with this marriage.....

I've no idea what threshold would constitute a meaningful sample size, statistically, but I know that a forum with well over a hundred people in it, sharing a pain that they previously thought they carried alone, is deeply meaningful.

Moving out will have a huge impact on my kids, even if they are nearly ready to take flight. This little house is their home, and they have known much love and laughter here. I'm doing my homework now, trying to figure out how the hell I'm gonna do this thing. Oh God, I gotta take a break from thinking about this... I feel like I can't breathe...

Well Grendelan, you know my story already, and I have left but I am not sure if we will stay married and kind of live apart and see each other sometimes, or what. He is in Colombia and I am now in Costa Rica, on my way back to US, and probably stay there a while, maybe visit Colombia in november to fly in the Paragliding comp and show off my tuned up body and see if he begs me for it. Probably not. But I am open to temptation and maybe even a relationship. I'll let you know what develops. I have a good friend who was a friend with benefits before I became committed to my now current nonfucking spouse. Are you on the outs too? Did you make the big decision to separate? You know, this is really sexist, but I can envision having my own relationships and sex, and keeping my husband in COlombia, but I don't want him to have any sex outside of me. Isn't that twisted???