The Plan Is...

The plan is.... very much a work in progress .


I'm reading "Getting Things Done", a.k.a. "GTD".  It's helping.  Problem is, no matter how I approach it, my STBX (that's Soon To Be eX-wife) is a complete control freak.  I can't seem to draw any boundaries around, well, anything, so I can actually try and put something in order.  It's funny, in a tragic, stupid, way... she's very careful not to push me hard enough that I might try and open a discussion about our marriage.  It's all about non-communication, non-confrontation, non-intimacy.... and bizarre passive-aggressive double reverse vindictive behavior.  It's fookin' insane, is what it is. 

I've been going out a couple times a week to what I caustically refer to as "my doghouse".  A nearby bar, maybe 3 miles away. I "motor" there by bicycle, in case I get too beery.   A bit of a seedy dive, actually... but a lively place.  I've discovered I actually have some social skills.  And I look 20 years younger in the bad light .

It's helped me heal my self esteem.  I actually have the option of spending the night in a woman's bed now, even though I haven't exercised it.  Yet


This, of course, drives my control freak STBX absolutely crazy.  But there isn't much she can say, is there?

Plenty of opportunity for me to exercise poor judgement.   I've found myself breaking up two fights, within the last month or so.    Apparently, a pitcher of beer gives me amazing Ninja powers.  Stupid.  I'm not a bouncer... but I don't realize that until after I'm in the middle of it.   And besides,  I'm a Pirate, not a Ninja!  (not terribly obscure reference).

Life goes on.  I'm feeling better about myself, and I'm getting better at focusing on the things I need to, with or without a "romantic" relationship. 
grendelan grendelan
46-50, M
7 Responses Jul 28, 2007

grendelan, you have an attractive, wry sense of humor - I hope it helped you in your situation. Ideally, I'd like to think you've left her by now?

I want it...I want it... i want it... YOU CANT HAVE IT!!! <br />
<br />
The Who?<br />
lol

I'm sad for all of the people who are leaving someone or thinking of leaving someone because they can't get what they want when they want it immediately. Relationships are not easy and the grass is always greener. I hope that those of you who actually care about the person you are with now make a solid effort to communicate and hold out an olive branch before you kick someone "to the curb." Very sad.

Thanks to you (and others) who submit stories like this; they make me feel better about the idea of kicking my "roommate" to the curb. I've tried everything I know to try, but nothing's working and I'm nearly frustrated beyond the capacity for rational thought. This whole mess is entirely one-sided: if she doesn't want sex, I'm not getting it. Period. End of discussion. No consulting with me first, no talking about what the problem is/might be. It's HER body and she doesn't have to do anything that she doesn't want to do. Point taken, but that works both ways and each of our actions has consequences. There is no "trial" separation - she says that it's all or nothing. This is especially frustrating because we were like rabbits nearly every night for the first three years of marriage...then she got pregnant (thinking with the wrong head on my part). Once the baby arrived, sex was severely curbed to the point of being nonexistent.<br />
<br />
I'm not sure that she understands that life will be considerably more difficult if I leave. She will be taking care of our daughter (she's 4) all by herself, she will be taking her to preschool each morning (I currently do that), and she will be ensuring that our daughter gets to gymnastics and back (I currently watch her at gymnastics and drive her home.) She'll be cleaning the house alone, washing clothes alone, and taking out the trash alone. She'll be burdening her family if she needs/wants time to herself. The list goes on. This will hurt our daughter, but I'm no good to her if I stay and kids can sense when people are unhappy. Staying for the kids is almost universally a bad idea.

Thanks to you (and others) who submit stories like this; they make me feel better about the idea of kicking my "roommate" to the curb. I've tried everything I know to try, but nothing's working and I'm nearly frustrated beyond the capacity for rational thought. This whole mess is entirely one-sided: if she doesn't want sex, I'm not getting it. Period. End of discussion. No consulting with me first, no talking about what the problem is/might be. It's HER body and she doesn't have to do anything that she doesn't want to do. Point taken, but that works both ways and each of our actions has consequences. There is no "trial" separation - she says that it's all or nothing. This is especially frustrating because we were like rabbits nearly every night for the first three years of marriage...then she got pregnant (thinking with the wrong head on my part). Once the baby arrived, sex was severely curbed to the point of being nonexistent.<br />
<br />
I'm not sure that she understands that life will be considerably more difficult if I leave. She will be taking care of our daughter (she's 4) all by herself, she will be taking her to preschool each morning (I currently do that), and she will be ensuring that our daughter gets to gymnastics and back (I currently watch her at gymnastics and drive her home.) She'll be cleaning the house alone, washing clothes alone, and taking out the trash alone. She'll be burdening her family if she needs/wants time to herself. The list goes on. This will hurt our daughter, but I'm no good to her if I stay and kids can sense when people are unhappy. Staying for the kids is almost universally a bad idea.

The 1st significant change: trying to separate the finances. It sounds so mundane. So indirect. It's a foundation thing, though. Quite simply, credit card debt is one of those things I believe she uses to subtly control me. OK. Maybe it isn't so subtle. Either way, it's the best place to start. <br />
<br />
I've told her, with no subtlety whatsoever, that it would be a good thing for her to "rejoin the workforce". Hasn't happened yet. She's too focused micro-managing other people's ****. That's not all bad... the kids benefit from some of the attention, but they're fully capable of striking out on their own. Even my baby, my seventeen year old... as much as he loves our little home, he's more than ready to take on the world. And like his older sister, he can use academic, athletic, theater, and music scholarships as a catapult. <br />
<br />
Come the new year? My check goes into a new bank account. I'll write *all* the bills. If she wants money, she can ask for it. Or she can get a job.

She's an amazon. I like strong, competent women.... but they're supposed to like me back?!?!