So Torn...

This is my first post here so here goes....I had been married for 10 years to the love of my life when he suddenly passed away.  We had two boys that were 8 and 4 at the time.  A couple of years later my brother set me up with a man that was just amazing.  I was so happy and in love again and we were married 10 months later.  Our sex life was pretty good in the beginning, but as soon as we moved in together it all changed.  We went for 4 months without having sex before we were married because he told me that we were already doing wrong by living together before we were married so the least we could do is hold off until then (wow, can't believe I fell for that).  Well on our honeymoon we didn't have sex that night, which was fine because by the time we got there, I was exhausted from the drive.  Well we only had sex twice on our honeymoon and both times it felt like he wasn't really wanting to but only did it because of it being our honeymoon.  So since then it has been maybe 3-4 times the first year, then 2 times a year and finally we went a full year without sex.  Right now it has been 6 months since.  Like alot of people on here, we are like roommates.  He sleeps on the couch (as he always has) and I sleep in the bed.  We rarely speak to each other while we're at home but when we are around my family, he makes such a point to be overly touchy feely, and throws compliments freely.  Well I have been trying to find a time to just end it and that time came this weekend.  I told my kids and of course my 14 year old was fine with it, but my 10 year old went to pieces.  He has begged me not to make him leave and said "I don't want to lose another daddy".  Totally broke my heart to bits.  Although he has never really been like a dad to them, he does do a few things with my 10 year old, but not much.  I am so torn, I tried to explain to my son that I'm so unhappy and we just don't love each other like married people should, and of course he went through the whole "I'm sorry mommy, I just want you to be happy but with him still living with us".  So I know he's so confused because he doesn't want me to be unhappy but he loves his step-dad also.  He has been begging me all weekend not to make him leave, but I have told my husband that he needed to move out.  But of course he hasn't yet and I just don't know what to do.  He is obviously not worried about saving the marriage or he would be trying to change, of course he has went through the promises of getting help and everything but has not done a thing.  He just thinks that I'll get over it AGAIN like I always do but I just can't stand the thought of continuing to live with this man.   I know my son will be crushed and I am so disgusted with myself for letting this go on so long, because my kids have been through so much and I'm just adding more on them.  Please someone help me know what to do....I am at my wit's end and feel like I am losing my mind. 

jnzsmom jnzsmom
5 Responses Mar 2, 2009

you realy want a man can give you sex?and can play with your son as their stepdad?i promise i can do it.but financial i cant.sory?...if you have another option just email me 22 y.o. from phil.i realy like your story and im a lot interested in you.i can provide your needs but financiafy i cant..pls reply?the best thing to do is to move on..there must be some will like you to.ok?take care.god bless you mam

I see the awful dilemma you're in ... damned if you do, damned if you don't. Is there a way you could separate, but he could still be a part of your child's life?<br />
<br />
I really wish you all the best in finding happiness, and so so sorry that your love passed away leaving you with young children to raise.

Just my opinion: <br />
Should you go, I believe your ten year old could eventually heal. Children model their behavior after adults... do you want your child to absorb the behavior of this man, thinking it to be normal? That is as much a danger as anything else in the mix. <br />
<br />
Sometimes I've felt that staying in a bad relationship is a form of self-punishment, as if our guilt for not being "good enough" justifies the stagnation and starvation of staying in a toxic relationship. "I guess I deserve to be miserable." <br />
<br />
I'm thinking that you deserve better.

I feel for you and your situation.<br />
However, don't let a 10 year old decide your future.<br />
A child of this age doesn't have the maturity to understand what is at stake .. mom's happiness and well being. Suggest you speak to a school counselor that might be able to help get him some therapy, and then you might consider getting some professional help yourself. <br />
You know you are making a very wise decision.<br />
I give you credit for trying again after the death of your first husband, and coming to the realization that this marriage isn't providing you with what you need to lead a productive life as a family unit.<br />
<br />
Blessings being sent for a successful outcome for you.

I understand your view about your son not wanting him to go. I also understand that you don't want to be with him anymore. Imo I wouldn't stay in the marriage if you are miserable. If he isn't willing to work things out or see a marriage counseler then for sure move on. I'm sure through time your son will understand why you made the decision you did. You and your significant other may have to sit down with him and explain. Unless you think that its not appropriate. Hope things get worked out for ya. If you need a friend, you can message me if ya like. :)