Determination Brings About Change
It has been awhile since I wrote a story on my progress in leaving a marriage that has been on its last legs for many years.
I have talked to supportive friends and family members ad nauseum about this draining life here in a house empty of all good emotions. I came back here this morning and sat in my truck looking at a house where I have spent the last twenty years. The only parts of this place that called out to me were my pets. My dog was standing with her front paws up on the kitchen door yelping her hellos to me and I gathered up my bags and walked down to this house that has become a symbol of so much heartache and disappointment.
I walked in and the first feeling was of such coldness. I had to put on a sweatshirt and warm slacks just to try and stay a bit warm. It is a sunny day outside but this house has no warmth left for me anymore. From the outside it is quite a cheerful house. A lovely setting on a country road that winds through the low mountains and ridges in this part of Pennsylvania. Do any passers by ever think that this country farm house is inhabited by a woman who is so unhappy? That she tends her flowers with such a heavy heart? That even mowing the lawn has become a necessary task and not a labor of love?
I have emotionally left this house. Emotionally left this town where I shop and the local library where I have spent so many hours escaping my life in books and talks with the staff there. My heart and my mind have moved on and soon my physical being will move on also. To once again feel alive, I am leaving this life. My children are adults with their own homes that are filled with hope and love and plans for futures with their mates. They live fairly close to me and I am going to move far from them both. I have no feelings of sadness about leaving them for they have seen my misery and want me to find happiness. I look forward to their visits when I am settled into my new life and they will see their mother happy and smiling and joyful. And their lives will also be better for this.
I had a five year plan for obtaining my freedom. Wrote down what I needed to accomplish to bring this about and my plan was sound and manageable and then fate stepped in and my plans fell by the wayside. I was injured and fate dealt me a bitter blow. So my future plans were changed for a few years. During this time I grew as a woman. Lots of time to think. Time to make new friends and new plans. Time to deal with my emotions and time to firmly recommit to my future. Exactly where I wanted to live and also time to find the most amazing person that I want to share my future with. If I had not been injured I would never have found this man.
I have learned to trust more in my feelings. I have learned that there are good people in my life that I can count on. Finding EP after I was injured has changed my life. Being able to share my life with people here that feel the same fears and hurts and also that encourage and support me has made a huge difference for me. Reading about others who are determined to make necessary changes for their happiness has inspired me to continue following my own hopes and dreams.
Those of us who live in sexless loveless marriages are not broken souls. We are worth loving and giving love without having it thrown back in our faces. Rejection does not diminish the giver. Rejection diminishes the person who, time after time, rejects our love.
I live in an empty house but I am not an empty woman. I have passions and desires burning inside of me. So much laughter that wells up from deep within when I am with those I trust and love. My much loved and amazing friend and I laugh together with joy like children who are seeing this world through new eyes. Anything is possible and life is once more a wonderful adventure for us. The knowledge that we will share a future together fills our hearts with hope and love and this continues to grow.
Even if we had never met, I would still be moving away from this house because my life here is ended. I will go and live close to dear trusted friends in a place where it is warm and healing. I have been to this sunny area many times and am going back in a few months. I fell in love with this part of my country three years ago and I knew then that this was where I belonged.
My injury and having to put my five year plan on hold has been for the better in many ways. I choose to take this act of fate as an awakening. I am now more determined and am changing my life and now I have a wonderful man who will stand by my side as I start a new life filled with love and sex. Yes sex! That word that was so difficult for me to even say a few years back but that I can now embrace without fears of rejection. Sex and intimacy and laughter and respect. Understanding and great communication like I have never before found. Everything changes. Determination for the right changes and fighting the good fight no matter what obstacles arise can make dreams come true. At least it has in my life. I hope it does in yours too. Blessings to us all no matter what we are determined to change. D.