Determination Brings About Change

It has been awhile since I wrote a story on my progress in leaving a marriage that has been on its last legs for many years.

I have talked to supportive friends and family members ad nauseum about this draining life here in a house empty of all good emotions. I came back here this morning and sat in my truck looking at a house where I have spent the last twenty years. The only parts of this place that called out to me were my pets. My dog was standing with her front paws up on the kitchen door yelping her hellos to me and I gathered up my bags and walked down to this house that has become a symbol of so much heartache and disappointment.

I walked in and the first feeling was of such coldness. I had to put on a sweatshirt and warm slacks just to try and stay a bit warm. It is a sunny day outside but this house has no warmth left for me anymore. From the outside it is quite a cheerful house. A lovely setting on a country road that winds through the low mountains and ridges in this part of Pennsylvania. Do any passers by ever think that this country farm house is inhabited by a woman who is so unhappy? That she tends her flowers with such a heavy heart? That even mowing the lawn has become a necessary task and not a labor of love?

I have emotionally left this house. Emotionally left this town where I shop and the local library where I have spent so many hours escaping my life in books and talks with the staff there. My heart and my mind have moved on and soon my physical being will move on also. To once again feel alive, I am leaving this life. My children are adults with their own homes that are filled with hope and love and plans for futures with their mates. They live fairly close to me and I am going to move far from them both. I have no feelings of sadness about leaving them for they have seen my misery and want me to find happiness. I look forward to their visits when I am settled into my new life and they will see their mother happy and smiling and joyful. And their lives will also be better for this.

I had a five year plan for obtaining my freedom. Wrote down what I needed to accomplish to bring this about and my plan was sound and manageable and then fate stepped in and my plans fell by the wayside. I was injured and fate dealt me a bitter blow. So my future plans were changed for a few years. During this time I grew as a woman. Lots of time to think. Time to make new friends and new plans. Time to deal with my emotions and time to firmly recommit to my future. Exactly where I wanted to live and also time to find the most amazing person that I want to share my future with. If I had not been injured I would never have found this man.

I have learned to trust more in my feelings. I have learned that there are good people in my life that I can count on. Finding EP after I was injured has changed my life. Being able to share my life with people here that feel the same fears and hurts and also that encourage and support me has made a huge difference for me. Reading about others who are determined to make necessary changes for their happiness has inspired me to continue following my own hopes and dreams.

Those of us who live in sexless loveless marriages are not broken souls. We are worth loving and giving love without having it thrown back in our faces. Rejection does not diminish the giver. Rejection diminishes the person who, time after time, rejects our love.

I live in an empty house but I am not an empty woman. I have passions and desires burning inside of me. So much laughter that wells up from deep within when I am with those I trust and love. My much loved and amazing friend and I laugh together with joy like children who are seeing this world through new eyes. Anything is possible and life is once more a wonderful adventure for us. The knowledge that we will share a future together fills our hearts with hope and love and this continues to grow.

Even if we had never met, I would still be moving away from this house because my life here is ended. I will go and live close to dear trusted friends in a place where it is warm and healing. I have been to this sunny area many times and am going back in a few months. I fell in love with this part of my country three years ago and I knew then that this was where I belonged.

My injury and having to put my five year plan on hold has been for the better in many ways. I choose to take this act of fate as an awakening. I am now more determined and am changing my life and now I have a wonderful man who will stand by my side as I start a new life filled with love and sex. Yes sex! That word that was so difficult for me to even say a few years back but that I can now embrace without fears of rejection. Sex and intimacy and laughter and respect. Understanding and great communication like I have never before found. Everything changes. Determination for the right changes and fighting the good fight no matter what obstacles arise can make dreams come true. At least it has in my life. I hope it does in yours too. Blessings to us all no matter what we are determined to change. D.

dartist dartist
56-60, F
31 Responses Sep 1, 2009

A beautiful story. I am so happy you found what you were looking for. Good luck, and may I be as lucky one day.

I agree, Determination is the key, and although there might be times we are afraid of exploring through our own thoughts and needs, that's really what it takes.... courage and determination both play a big impact into making that change...<br />
You are so inspiring! I'm glad you are Happy.... I'm looking forward in one day also having a happy and continuous story....with many smiles to share...<br />
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God bless!

Here it is. Going on three years later and I am living that new life in Florida with my dear Rob. Every day that we share brings love and laughter. Life is beautiful in its simplicity here. There is no game playing. No cruelty and no fear.

When I read back on my stories, I can see me but also a different me. That woman that I was becomes more of a stranger as time goes on however I will never forget her as the past has brought me to today.

Fellow readers, never diminish your own inner strength. Keep close your supportive people and, if you do not have any, reach out and find some. Even one person can make a huge difference in one's life.

When you are ready for a lesson a teacher will always come. So gather up your courage and determination and believe in yourself. Love yourself. From these things good will flow back to you. Peace, D

What a warm and loving way to share your story.<br />
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It's an inspiration to me as I struggle to find my own path in a SM. Change is hard. Living a lie is harder still.<br />
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Thank you for sharing!

That's my life. 8 years in and I am a man. But you really put some truth to it

Hello Dartist,<br />
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Your story is so powerful I wrote a long private response to you but am not allowed to send. I'm on my own path to figuring out how to move on from a marriage devoid of affection/love/sex. I don't blame him, I just think we have friendship but do not have the remaining romantic/passion/affection/sexual part. It's always been kind of a struggle. Getting married too young? I don't know. At this point I'm rather stalled in "what to do next". I want to leave, I feel like a giant fraud when he starts talking about things that need to be fixed (big projects) on the house or things that need to be done next year etc. Part of it is knowing I never want to hurt someone else. I'm more the person that will try to make sure everyone is okay, needs are met, all are comfortable. I know what it feels like to have someone say "I'm leaving" and the devastation that goes along with. He was going to leave twice, but we always worked through it. Now I'll be the one doing that, and in my mind saying "this is for me, I want something different in my life".<br />
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Anyway, thank you so much for your story, I'm sorry for the tragedy too that you experienced. Take care and I hope that things are going well for you.

Thank you for the encouragement, franklyspeaking. All is working out and soon I will be on my way to my new life. Blessings and joy,D.

You go, girl!

Thank you unshakable. My daughter and her husband stopped by and they are going to help me here. Moving things out and he will put in a half bath downstairs for me. Fixtures were purchased some time back and STBX has not accomplished this so I am grateful for an added selling point. Great to have a plumber for a SIL! I now have a growing support system to assist me and this helps my mental attitude a great deal. I do believe that there will be buyers very taken with this place for it has a charm that is easily recognized and I thank you for your affirmations for this happening soon. I am keeping the faith. Blessings,D.

You will be fine soon.You are so near and the next thing you know you have arrived.Not to focus on what you have not done.Look at all you have accomplished.You will be amazed at your achievements.Your house will be sold as is where is and at A RECORD PRICE BECAUSE GOD IS SENDING YOU A BUYER.

You will be fine soon.You are so near and the next thing you know you have arrived.Not to focus on what you have not done.Look at all you have accomplished.You will be amazed at your achievements.Your house will be sold as is where is and at A RECORD PRICE BECAUSE GOD IS SENDING YOU A BUYER.

Life has been a bit hard lately as STBX is not helping get the house ready for viewing and thinks this is funny. I get down and then bounce back. Have to remain focused on every day working here and doing what I am able to do. It becomes clearer what a drain he has been and is on my spirits. Any decent human being would see how hard I am working and pitch in to help as he will benefit from the best sale price possible too. Thank you for your kind wishes unshakable. Blessings,D.

I am glad you are out of one unhappy event.Importantly we learned from the experience and move on.You will be very happy in Florida soon and i wish you great happiness and showers of blessings.

Thank you for this comment chadster. My life is a real mix of good and not so good today. My financial situation is in a real turmoil but I am working this through. Still have no resolution with my legal matter about my injury of 2007. That has put me up against the wall with money and I am making calls and doing a real juggling act today but I feel empowered and determined. <br />
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I have the love of a good man that helps me keep focused. I have friends that love me. I have healthy children with supportive spouses.. Even my ex-to-be and I are working to make the break in the healthiest way possible for us both financially and emotionally. So I continue to count my blessings today. <br />
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The sun is shining and spring is coming. In a month I will see my soul mate once again and get away from the stress for three precious weeks. Much is happening that might crush one's spirit but I am a survivor! I will get through all of this intact and healthy. I owe this to the man that I have pledged my love to. Most of all I owe this to myself. Life might be hard but my mind has never been clearer. The power of love is huge in one's life. I am living proof of this. <br />
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The best to you chadster as you continue on your journey to freedom and peace. D.

It is good to hear of another person who has planned and is moving forward to a better happier life, I have myself for the past 5 years of a 15 year relationship lived without any sexual and uplifting contact, with a man who constantly tells me he loves me but spends his time avoiding me until he feels he needs some company.<br />
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It is both frustrating and alienating, luckily for me I realised quite a while ago that it was not my problem but his, as I have bent over backwards over the years to find out exactly what it is he needs at my own expense, physically, spiritually and emotionally.<br />
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Like you I have had to make plans for some time in advance but my time is almost here now and although I shall be moving on alone I feel happy at the thought of being free and I am sure in the fullness of time, I shall find that that has been lost to me for so long, love, acceptance and understanding of who I am and what I need.<br />
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I wish you luck and happiness in your new life !!!!

Thank you vegassbaby for your comment. Life still has its hard moments but I am coping and finding ways to continue on my true path in life. <br />
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Also thank you risheeka. I wanted to share with others that change for the better is possible. It takes a lot of work at times. Being miserable can easily become a way of life as I can attest. My lot so to speak. Finding my self respect has been the biggest change in my life. peace, D.. <br />
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I also started a 'future' box filled with clippings and pictures of what I want and will have in my life. When something that I see speaks to me I cut it out and place it in my special box just for me. This helps me move forward too. Simple things that make a difference. Blessings,D.

Nice 2 here a story like this! Surprised ,a little confused !wish u luck and happiness.I hope it works out for you.

Luxor, I too would let so much hurt pass by and try to make peace until I sometimes exploded with pain and stress. I did not want to think of myself as a failure in this marriage. Now I realize that we were so mismatched. I looked for the positives in life and he saw the negatives. Thank you for cheering me on and all the best to you as you become your own advocate. SadToBeHere, It has been some time since you had the talk with your wife and I hope the pain has lessened by now. For people that have love in their hearts, pain is a part of the process in gaining future happiness. All of my wishes that both you and she have come to an adjustment of this change and that you are finding each day filled with hope and a peace of mind.k14571, That you found hope in what I wrote keeps me and others open to sharing our journeys here. I remember when I too was new to this side of the forum. It has been hard at times but I would never go back to the place that I emotionally and spiritually was for anything. Peace and blessings to you as you walk through life and I hope that you find what is right for you.Cherise 49, We are alike. I cherish the memories of my children growing up in this house too. Now they are married and happy in their own lives and I can move on in mine. You made a decision to put your happiness on hold for a time as I also had to do but now we are starting a new phase of being and this is so life affirming. I wish you all the blessings in life that you deserve. The ties that held me here for so many years continue to unravel daily. My determination continues to grow and I know that I have made the right decision and have no guilt about this. Had to work that through a bit. Strict Catholic childhood and those of you who were raised like this understand what guilt feels like. Divorce used to have a stigma associated with taking that step. It takes strength to leave, not weakness. Regaining ones self respect. One of the hardest things in this world to live with is sharing a roof with a partner and feeling alone. I chose not to live my life feeling alone and this has brought love to me. May we all be able to gain the strength to love and be loved. For as long as I can remember, this is the only thing I have ever wanted. D.

I am new to this side of the forum...still wavering. I loved reading this thread. Thanks for hope!

Dartist & Reflections<br />
Your posts were just what I needed to hear at this time. I had the talk with my wife this morning and told her that I moving out. I've been wondering all day if the pain I am feeling right now is worth it. I've suffered through 26 years of rejection.<br />
Your posts reminded me that though there may be some short term pain, there will now be opportunity for a lot of happiness.

Im proud of you too. sometime even us peaceful warriors are forced to roll-up the sleeves & just duke it out, cause enough is just "enough!" "You go girl...! :)

Jp, Nice to see you back and thank you for celebrating with me as my life continues to move forward. I hope all is well with you. <br />
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Nikolita, Thank you for your encouragement and best wishes for my happiness. I wish for you that your journey is filled with happiness.<br />
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Reflections, You and I have been through a lot and walked in the same shoes for a long time. Like you, anniversaries are not a celebration but a reminder of how much has been missing. So happy to hear that you have a plan. Go after your dreams. Live and laugh and love. Thank you for all of your support during this time in my life.<br />
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Childoftheland, It is never too late to feel passion. At one time I also thought that this part of my life was over but I was so wrong. Being loved and being a passionate woman reinforces my determination and brings about changes. I will never again be content to sit on the sidelines watching the world go by. Thank you for letting me know that my story gives you hope.

What hope you have given me. An incredibly well written, thoughtful, LOVELY story.<br />
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I thought there was no hope for me - that 48 was too late to ever have passion again. Reading your story has made me rethink my negative, doom filled view.<br />
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Thank you.

A PLAN<br />
'I had a five year plan for obtaining my freedom. Wrote down what I needed to accomplish to bring this about...."<br />
<br />
It is a journey<br />
And it requires a plan<br />
Too long too many disappointments<br />
Then the day comes, after all the sadness, the wishing and hoping and wanting and needing<br />
The realization that there is more to us than being the spouse of another that won't hug us, won't touch us, won't be intimate with us.... doesn't want and need us, as we want and need them..<br />
<br />
Of course, they are the ones we feel sorry for<br />
We have to leave them where they stand<br />
or we can stay and look forward to more seclusion.<br />
Perhaps we can lead what appears to be a good happy normal life .. but we will always have lied to ourselves and lived a life of lost intimacy and regret.<br />
<br />
Many houses are not warm<br />
Love makes a house warm<br />
Many lonely people live in the prettiest houses<br />
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My house is also in beautiful PA with the mountain ridges, amazing sunsets, sweet smelling grass and gorgeous flowers. Five years ago I came here the City and thought I was moving into Brigadoon ... never have I had so much beautiful scenery and abundant land .. 10 acres. And I didn't want to leave this beautiful place but like you, I will have another place to be and when my soul is at peace so will I be in that place. I am not there yet, and you have been my friend along the way.<br />
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Change requires REFLECTION<br />
Not looking back; instead looking to our future with a clear unobstructed sense of self.<br />
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Children and Family are important<br />
More important is to be with that special someone who will share a bed of intimacy and caring with you<br />
Who will be happy to hold us every night<br />
And happy to wake up with us in the morning<br />
Someone who will wrap their arms around us and want and need us as we want and need them.<br />
<br />
Today is my 41st Wedding Anniversary<br />
How did we celebrate this facade of a lifetime?<br />
no cards, no dinner out, no flowers, no gift, no intimacy<br />
just as we live the whole year .. every year ... for 41 years ~~loveless and lonely ~~wishing and hoping<br />
What is to celebrate? <br />
My new beginning as you are<br />
There won't be a 42nd year<br />
I have a PLAN<br />

I wish you all of the best. :) Congratulations on finding the strength to leave, I hope it works out for you. <br />
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Here's to being happy!

Windylindy, Thank you for the encouragement. There are times when I feel free of this sham of a life I live here and, in those precious moments, I am totally at peace and happy. <br />
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I have enough of these wonderful times to keep me positive and determined. Through all of this transition, I have the love and support of wonderful friends and my children. The love of a good man to see me through until the time I can walk out of this life into my future that will be as different as night is to day. This time is drawing so close that I can almost reach out and touch it. Peace,D.

Tasmin, We both found EP through dreadful experiences and for this we have a bond that we share. Out of anything bad that happens in life, there are always ways to find knowledge and growth. Thank you for sharing this with me and your comment tonight.<br />
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KFC, You are a role model for me and so many others here who have walked in your shoes. You are loving and brave and strong. You represent to me what determination for having a better life means and I thank you for giving us this gift that inspires us so much. <br />
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Enna, Thank you for your kind words and your constant support and encouragement. You are much more than a friend to me. You have become one of my sisters-of-my-heart. <br />
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Silvrsurfr, Thank you for your interest in my story and your comment. I will let you know how my adventure is going. As for the sex? Just know that I am one VERY happy woman! I never realized what passion truly was until I met this man that rocks my world in every possible way. Wow!<br />
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Notgettingany, Yes change is frightening. I understand your fears. I had them too but they diminish with time and all that is left is the determination to go forward towards love and happiness. Making the changes necessary to have a better life are positive and I am happy that you found this in my story. Please keep in touch and let me know how you are doing. <br />
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I was feeling a wee bit down this evening. Miss the man I love a lot. More as time goes on but this is the way love is. The yearning to be together grows. It has now become an imperative for us both. I want more than anything to be in his arms tonight. To fall asleep in his warm embrace and wake up to his wonderful smile in the morning. To love and be loved in return makes everything right. I can face anything with him at my side and I feel him with me tonight even through we are separated by an ocean and thousands of miles. <br />
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As we stay committed and constant for each other over such a great distance, continue to make changes to bring us together in our future shared life, overcome hardships and personal difficulties, and share passion and love and laughter and respect, we are making this come true and we will share our story with you here on EP and with others. We are determined and strong for each other and, for us, this is what love is all about. Blessings and love, D.

Thank you for your story. I am scared but determined to go forward with this and it is nice to hear something positive.

I hope you continue to write and tell us about the adventure you are about to undertake. Have fun with that sex!

You continue to amaze and inspire me in your wonderful ability to make life a positive and hopeful experience, despite everything that has happened to you. You and your special person are both fantastic people and deserve each other.<br />
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May the wind always be at your backs . . .

D: I am sure that you and your wonderful friend will be happy. I am proud of you.<br />
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Wow!<br />
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Very inspirational story. <br />
I found EP after something dreadful happened and it has changed many things for me .. for the good.<br />
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You write your story so well and it is sad leaving a once loved home with so many memories but as you say your time there is over and you are moving on to a happy loving place.<br />
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Looking forward to reading next installment of your new life!