Yes, I Am Happy About It!

I never thought the idea of divorce would make me happy.  In fact, I thought about it a number of times and would always say in my head or to others that I don't really want a divorce.  Divorce is hard.  Divorce is difficult for children.  Divorce is the last alternative on a long list of things that should be done to solve marital problems.  The truth is that even though all of that is true, I DO WANT ONE!  I have been rotting inside my marriage. 

I even thought for a while that I had decided on divorce.  What I had decided on was giving up on my marriage, but I hadn't yet settled on getting a divorce.  That was just something I said when I wanted to sound like I had it all together and could follow the advice I'd offer someone else in my position.  All the while, I still felt pretty crappy. 

Well, I had an epiphany of sorts that I wrote about in my change story over on ILIASM.  It snapped me to attention and I literally decided overnight one night that I had to get a divorce.  Had to.  Not might.  Not should.  Had to.  Ever since I decided that and started making things happen in that direction, I've felt better than I have in years. 

It won't be easy or fun, but it will be the end of my jail sentence.  It will be the end of showing a very poor example of marriage to my children every day.  It will be the end of someone else deciding when my sexual activity will be limited.

I'm happy that I will be getting a divorce!!!

Pinkberry Pinkberry
36-40, F
14 Responses Feb 11, 2010

Pinkberry, I hope i get to the point where I feel confident like you. Reading your story makes me have hope.

I echo your thoughts Sunshine1970, "the future looks uncertain, but the present is miserable."

Hang in there. I know what you mean. Just recently it has started to hit me. Die inside, Cheat or Leave. The future looks uncertain, but the present is miserable.

Good for you pB, I made the decision several months ago and haven't regretted my choice at all. xx

Thanks everyone! Special high fives for all the non-creepy internet girl power girls, you're the best!

Add me to your cheering section! I made it through to the other side - and it's worth it, believe me.

You go girl!! I promise you that it won't be easy... but deep inside of you that warmth of knowing that you have made the right decision... it will stay with you. Hold on to that.<br />
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You're in for a hell of a ride... 'cause there be dragons there... but you are strong, courageous and determined... and you have all of us here on your side, cheering you on.

PB, You seemed to have crossed over, something was triggered and both your thinking and energy have moved. Your H senses it, and wants to find his comfort zone. He won't (you are too strong)! He'll struggle with different ways to recapture you (or rather his comfort zone). Stay strong, my friend!! <br />
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I am awaiting my epiphany ... I keep thinking "I'll know" when its time. It seems to be taking its sweet time, but I do hope for that moment of unequivocal realization that it is time to move on. Your insights and turning point gives me hope. Best to you!

Ironically, the husband got me a Valentine's gift of sweet treats. The last time I got something for Valentine's was 2003. I think he senses that something is different about me. He often reaches out when I pull away. I enjoyed the treats, but I recognize them for what they are, just another attempt at manipulation. <br />
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Thank goodness Lent begins this week because I'm going to need it. LOL

I've been struggling with these feelings myself. I was in touch with a friend this week. She very thoughtfully said she was thinking of me because of the approaching of Valentine's Day. I had a hard time responding. My stbx husband has been the one to make this decision final, but I can't help feel the same as you. I feel better and happier this Vday than I have for years. There's one thing worse than being alone on Vday and that's being with someone who doesn't give a darn for you and having to pretend to the world that it's all right. I went into the grocery store today and started to feel sad when I was overwhelmed by the Vday displays. I had to ask myself "When IS the last time he bought you anything -even a card- on this day?" I can't remember...maybe 7 years? I bought myself some chocolate and came home. :) Maybe some year I'll have someone who truly cares about me. Until then, I'll be happy by myself.

You display admirable conviction and practicality. I hope we will be hearing from you often as you heal and rebuild. Cheers!

I'm happy for you because it seems as if you are confident in you decision. I on the other hand struggle on an every day basis with the thought of divorce. I can't help to wonder if my feelings are selfish because I would be destroying my kids family. But I also think that I'm cutting myself short very short on every aspect, raging from being physically, emotionally,and mentally abused to having to be the only bread-winner in our home because he will not allow anyone I.e. Boss to tell him what to do so he refuses to be a real man and do what he has to do to provide for us or at the very least help contribute!! SO in a way I'm jelous that your decision is firmwhereas I'm still debating. Best of luck with your fresh start!

Good for you, PB! May your new life be filled with love(and yes, sex)!

I am happy for you Pinkberry. I am glad you came to a decision point. I am not there yet, but feel I am quickly approaching that decision point myself.