It has been 2 weeks less a day when I finally kicked my addict boyfriend out. He of course with drunken eyes turned it all around and made it about him not being happy and blamed it all on me! He has already moved on to another girl which I watched him court for the last month. This is the 3rd time this pattern has taken place.
It is a very lonely place when you move on from an addict, you hold so many emotions, disappointment in self and so much anger. I am sad because oh do I ever miss him, and it feels as though he never even cared, I was never loved. It is hard to be sad around people because they just believe "Good Riddens", "Don't waste your tears on him", the list goes on... Where I just lost what I knew to be my life.
There are a lot of dynamics being in a relationship with an addict, you are still in love. You still build a relationship. I am seeing a councilor to understand the patterns of an addict and hopefully make myself strong enough not to ever go back, because it is almost guaranteed that they will come knocking again and your attachment to them can most certainly have you inviting them right back in. It is the process of a relationship with an addict, and continues for years and years.
As the days when I miss him consume me with fear and a broken heart because I believed so hard that this time would be different, I am with a heavy heart. It is in my best interest to accept that he is not hurting, that it does not matter to him. He is not sad, he does not care. That is the hardest part, knowing that it all did not matter, in a second I was replaced. In a blink of an eye he found all I gave him with someone else, accept now his drinking and using will be accepted. It feels hopeless.

I worry because no one is protecting him, that all my efforts to help him did nothing. That he is sinking and I can no longer help him. Or better yet my right to help him has been taken away.

Even after all of this I still long for him, I know time will heal. I know that it gets better. But for now I just need to get strong enough to never go back. This is hard as I so want to see his face and kiss his lips, have him in my arms, I miss him.... This is the circle of a person who loves an addict. And my greatest hurt is that I still feel this way, after everything, I still love him. :(
ellavi ellavi
36-40, F
Aug 21, 2014