And It's the Hardest Thing I've Ever Done

I just don't know what to say...

Update: June 21

I have moved into my own place and tonight will be my ninth sleep here. It was a long time coming, and so hard, but it is done, and I couldn't be happier.

JackGrey JackGrey
51-55, F
13 Responses Feb 16, 2009

Hi, I'm thinking of leaving my husband too, we've only been married since last September but I've been so unhappy since, he likes a drink and can go drinking for a few days and then is in bad form for another few days, he can also be abusive. He is also angry and controlling, when we argue he always tries to turn things around and make them out to be my fault. I hate giving up on my marriage and when things are good they are really good but they can change so quickly and things get really nasty, I don't think I can go on for the rest of my life like this, I'm only 36 but I just don't know what to do. My Sister doesn't like him at all and says I should leave him, my Mother gets on with him but she does think that he could treat me better.

There's a good quote that I read on someone's EP profile: If you want what you've never had, you have to do what you've never done. <br />
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Thank you for the compliment, but in a sense it was my lack of courage and perseverence that forced me to leave instead of trying to 'work it out'. But I knew that our personalities were really not compatible; knew it for most of our 27 year marriage. I don't think it was fixable.<br />
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Anyway, I'd be interested in hearing why your life is a prison, here or as a message. Maybe I can offer some advice specific to what you need to make a change. I'm no expert on anything other than my own journey, at least the part that's behind me. I have no idea what's coming next, but I can't wait to find out.

Awareness is the first step toward positive change, Anna. Keep saving that money. Any kids still at home?

JackGrey, I read your advice and am not sure it was intended for me but even if it was not, I think it is still valid and sound. I've been ready to go for a long time but our finances have been a wreck most of our marriage so I am trying to put a little money away before I leave. He has been unemployed for five of our fifteen years together and is has only been employed every now and then for the past few years. I pay most of the bills. He might be making money now (he is an independent contractor doing home repairs) but I don't have any proof. I have a stable job and am out of the house early in the morning and return at dinner time. I have no idea of what he does during that time. He had an affair within the first year of our marriage with a mutual friend and I although I no longer speak to her, I think he still sees her. It's a mess. I can't see myself staying here much longer. The only thing I am sure of is that I don't see a future with him.

Wow, I've been where you are. Most everyone in our circle didn't see it coming.<br />
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If you are certain it is what you want to do, then make sure you plan your walk. One day my sister left her husband, but she didn't plan it and she wasn't ready and they got back together, even though she is still unhappy. <br />
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One of the things I knew when I started planning to leave was that there was no going back,so I had to make everything ready. The first thing I did was get my grade twelve GED in 2005. Without it I was doomed to fast food jobs, and I just didn't have the energy for that kind of work anymore. Been there. <br />
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Getting my highschool diploma allowed me to get a job working with special needs students, which I did for two school years. I met some of the most inspiring kids. I'll never forget them. If I didn't need the money I would have done that job for free. Sadly, the pay is not enough to live on as sole income.<br />
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I also got a word of a job through a friend, and started working seasonally with the provincial forest protection office. Better money, but still not a secure position. When a permanent administrative position opened up, I applied for it with the encouragement of the people I'd already been working with, and got the job. That was almost two years ago. <br />
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Being single is definitely where I need to be. I have the occasional company of men friends, but at the end of the day I have my own space and can do whatever I want, even if it's just nothing. Nobody to answer to or defer to. <br />
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I told you all that to tell you this: that you can do it. But just make sure to do it right. Think out your plans logically and make lots of notes. Find ways to get inspiration and affirmation. Read Wayne Dyer's book, The Power of Intention. You can manifest your dreams and wishes. It took me 11 years (from the first thought) to make it happen but I did it.<br />
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Always here to listen.

I'm wishing my life away, waiting for all of the pieces to fall into place so I can just leave my marriage. It's my second, his fourth and it has been unhappy for most of our fifteen years together. He is controlling, secretive, angry, manipulative and because I lack any measurable self-esteem, I stay with him. I look like I have it together.. good job, college education, nice home, periodic trips abroad. But I'm dying inside. I cry often, pray infrequently, hope endlessly and need encouragement.

I left my husband and our marriage of over 35 years, 4 weeks ago tomorrow. I am doing surprisingly well, probably because I had left him emotionally years ago. I was like you, petrified, and also, living a lie...it got to where I couldn't do it another day...He aksed me to stay, said he missed me before I was out the door, then 2 times he texted me and said he loved me. i asked him to please not text, call, or e-mail me for at least a week. he agreed, and I haven't heard a word from him in all this time. I'm not sure what to make of that...But we hadn't had sex for almost 20 years, and he quit kissing me, hugging me, or telling me he loved me about 5 years ago. it was to the point where i felt like we were roommates. He told our kids that he didn't understand why i left him...I am not sure what rock he was living under...but if he couldn't tell I wasn't happy...well, he was not really "there" was he?

Sorry to hear, it's always sad when a marriage /relationship ends. I am where you are . I left my first husband and swore I'd never get married again. Now my second marriage is over. I really tried but I just can't do it anymore.. Good luck to you

Thank you both. I know things will be better. I just need to move forward.

I am where you are. Good luck, JackGrey. You have friends here.

Thanks, Coyote. Sometimes I wish that I could be less than kind, but I cannot.

Thanks, Maureen. I'm just so stuck right now, at the brink of making it all happen, of bringing it out into the open. I'm sure everyone in our circle knows, either through him or myself, but no one is talking about it, especially not us. I have been building up to this for years, and it is eating me alive to wait any longer. I have packed boxes stacked everywhere in my office, and my husband has seen them but says nothing. He is waiting for me to make a decision, to put into action a plan that he has known about for five years because I told him back then that I would leave in five years. And now, the time is here and it terrifies me, yet I have to do it. He told me back then that I was living a lie, and he was partially right. But we do what we have to do.<br />
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I just can't do it anymore.

I'm sorry:(