Can You Love Someone and Not Want to Be With Them?

I've recently been taking a break from a four and a half year relationship. So much has changed between us over the last year. We've just been going through the motions. We haven't been intimate even half as much as we used to be. I started to think that there are better things out there for ME. Not necessarily a better person for me, but a better life. I want to know that i can take care of myself and that I don't have to have a man in my life to be happy. And as guilty as I feel about doing this, I have to say that I haven't felt this happy and relieved and relaxed in a veyr long time. Of course, there's more to the story of our relationship, but I won't go into that.

The thing that makes me feel bad, though, is that I do love him. Very much. I just can't imagine moving back in. It scares the crap out of me. I don't want to go back to the tension and the silent treatment and having to be with someone that has issues when I want to spend time with my friends and family. I feel like I lost a part of myself while in this relationship and I'm trying to find that part again. I know I am not that person that was in that relationship. And I'm finally able to admit that. And move on

Sorry for the randomness of my thoughts. It's all just spilling out. If you can relate, let me know. If you have any words of wisdom or encouragement, I'd love to hear it. Thanks for listening.

MyOnlyHeart MyOnlyHeart
26-30, F
8 Responses Feb 12, 2009

I can relate...I often wonder if I would of stayed single a bit longer, (cuz it's been the happiest I had felt in many years) I would have said no to the relationship I'm in at this moment. He was a very impressive person, helpful, great provider, but as soon as we moved in together I found out his character was totally different from his personality, which is what I had fallen for. Very little chivalry, no intimacy from the getko, and less and less touching, caressing. Speak on the phone more than in person. Does not like any of my friends...he has only 1 real friend. Much less shared laughter. Its been 3 years now and I am ready to call it quits, and start where I left off 3 years ago...being single without the stress. Come and go as we please and find a companion only, if I need one for the outings, and gatherings. Spent more quality time with Dad and family members. I certainly miss that.

Wow, I just left my relationship of 4 years for exactly the same reasons! We were never really right for each other from the word go, but as time went on you tell yourself 'I've invested so much of my time, my life, my love....basically all of me into this relationship, I have to make it work.' Don't get me wrong, we had some wonderful times together, he opened my eyes to what life is, helped me to move forward from my past experiences in my life, he gave me the hunger to live...but he couldn't be there for me in many ways that I needed. There was no intimacy, he shut me out from what he was thinking, feeling...I didn't know a lot about his life really.

But when I did finally end it, he realized just how much he loved me and wanted it to work. He was so sorry for taking me for granted, and I know that it takes 2 to tango, we both made mistakes, said things/did things that we shouldn't, and although we both faced that realization and know what we could do to make it work, I'm not so sure that I can trust. I'm so afraid that things will just go back to the way they were. And I'm not going back to that place where I was angry, alone and miserable. NO WAY! And I feel terrible that he is finding it hard to move on, but for once I need to worry about me and my needs. And like you said, although it's a very torn feeling, I haven't felt so happy or confident in years!! And i'm loving life again. My only advice, and as harsh as it may sound, is to be selfish. You have to put yourself first sometimes. If you're happy, that's what really matters. He will be ok too, with time he may even agree that this was the best way, i'm hoping my ex will too. you just have to give them the time and space to see what you see, that although you love each other dearly, sometimes that isn't enough to keep a relationship together. Sorry this is such a long post! I really can relate to you, and I hope everything will be ok for you. You sound so confident and positive about this change, so just embrace that feeling and move on to a happier chapter! Good Luck!! :)

I love my boyfriend so much and he is the father of my child we been toqether for a year and 10 months but we arque so much over facebook cause he don't wanna add me then alot of times he makes me feel he dont like me or im unattractive then when i tell him how i feel he just dosent understand we brake up then make up and a v couple days later we back at it aqain i just dont know wat to do i dont wanna move on but if i keep feelin unloved and not wanted then we qonna end up qrowin apart and i dont want that somone please i need advice

Read all of your post I knew that someone out there same with me. 5 years in relationship meant a lot to me . I love him very much still now but I can't imagine back to that's life with him . It's not his fault but that's the way he chose to live . Only work & surf .. No party , don't want spent time with family or filtiend. No go out , movies or whatever . I feel like I live in prison . Everywhere I go have to go by myself , he just stay home & sleep after work . I'm look after him very well .. I do worry the next one come in to his life will love & care for him .

Here is my story... I met a woman several years ago from an internet dating web site. I was infatuated with her immediately. She was a beautiful woman. She didn't feel a connection at the time and so we didn't hit things off but we remained friends through the internet and talked on the phone occasionally. Three years later she contacted me and said that both of her parents had passed away a year between. She was very distraught. Shortly after she and her two daughters were evicted from her parents home where she had been staying taking care of her Dad while he was dying. The three of them became homeless. She contacted me again explaining their situation. I felt sorry for them but at the same time I remembered how I felt when I first met her and thought perhaps this was my chance to show her the kind of man I could be and perhaps she would start to have feelings for me. So I invited her and her two daughters to come stay with me until she could get back on her feet. Three days after they arrived I made advances toward her and they were well received. We seemed to have needed each other desperately and fell for each other immediately. Months went by and we were happy but at the same time I started to notice her lack of interaction with her daughters and her inability to motivate herself. She would spend hours in bed in the middle of the day. The remainder of the day she would just stay on the computer entertaining herself. This went on for weeks. To complicate things her ex-husband was sporatic with child support payments and money became an issue trying to support all of them. She had inherited her parents belongings which were in storage units. The payments for the storage units were very high. I suggested bringing the contents to my home to eliminate the payments. So we did. This did help the money issue. There were other issues to be dealt with along the way. She had an expired drivers license. It took several days to motivate her enough to go to the DMV office to take of her license as well as sign up for food stamps. It was like pulling teeth to get her to do anything. After several months went by the tension and constant arguing with her daughters became a huge strain on me. I asked them to all leave. It took several weeks but I was able to convince her ex-husband to let them stay in a vacant house he owned. So they were gone. I immediately felt the loss and realized that I loved her. I knew without a doubt that she was suffering from severe depression from the loss of her parents. What I didn't realize was that she had been completely dependent on her parents before they died. I found this out in discussing with her ex-husband. But I brought her back to my home. We were connected souls. We were happy at first and with her daughters not living here she felt some relief from the constant stress. After a couple months I was able to get her taking welbutrin for the depression. It seemed to help. She was staying up during the day and not taking naps anymore. I was seeing progress in her so I started urging her to seek work. She resisted heavily but began applying for jobs. I learned later her actions were only to appease me. I had spoken to the manager of a gas station and lined up an interview for her for a part time job. I thought it would be a good start for her. The morning of the interview she chose to pick a fight with me over something trivial and it exploded into a huge fight. Three weeks later she left. I feel like I'm in love with this woman but she pushes my buttons and infuriates me beyond belief. I end up cussing her out after I walk out of the room all the time. She just seems to refuse to get back to living a normal life. It seems like she just wants to be taken care of. Any thoughts?

Depression may or may not ever resolve. But she's not lazy, she's severely fatigued. Everything is harder for a person with depression. Take it from a fellow sufferer.

i have been in a relationship for three years now, and i am getting to the point that i do love him, but i can't handle this relationship anymore. I try to talk to him, but he always changes the subject. I know he does love me, but is that enough. I need more than just for him to tell me that he loves me. i need affection to. We use to go and do things, but now it is nothing. I dont understand. I miss the old ways. All he does is work and hang out with his friends drink beer, and where do i come in? I feel like i am nothing. i need him, I love him.. but i can't live like this anymore. I always wonder what if? What if i do leave him, what kind of woman would he find next? Should i worry? I need to worry about finishing school and about what is best for me. But i cant leave him I am stuck.

I feel the same exact way, I always cry because of the what ifs roaming in my head. I been with him for almost 4 years now and its hard to just leave

I think its possible to love someone but not be meant to be with them. People change and grow apart, doesnt mean you dont love them anymore...<br />
I still love my ex (we broke up because he moved away) but its different, not only because I know I cannot be with him, but also that we have become different people. But he taught me how to love and I love him for that.

Hey i hear ya 100 percent.Im not the same person that i used to be due mostly to the fact that i cant say and do the things i used to.