I Already Did This

I moved overseas 8 years ago for many reasons. One of the main reasons was to get away from my overbearing father.

Although I have no regrets about the move, I have to tell you I am still ambivalent about how much better I feel about being at the other side of the world from him. My mother and grandmother still live with him and they have to suffer his abuse and tantrums on a daily basis. My sister followed me so now my mother and grandmother don't get to see our kids grow up. My father still expects my mother to run round, cook and clean after him even though she isn't very mobile after an accident.

I feel guilt on a daily basis about leaving my mother and grandmother to cope with this, especially as they can't get anyone local to help them as no-one local will go near my father. They couldn't even get a plumber to come out to fix a flood when some pipes in the roof burst.

Ha! Guilt and self-loathing... two things he taught me well. He can still upset me for days with a single phone call, even from the other side of the world. A typical call will start with him telling me what I did wrong aged 4 and continue for 90 minutes through to present day.

I stopped talking to him in February but I heard he's recently tried calling me again. So far he has the wrong number. My sister hasn't spoken to him in over 10 years.

The only time I can speak to my mother is if she can sneak out and use her cell phone, as he eavesdrops all calls into and out of the house.

On my two return visits since moving here he has ruined my stays by controlling who I see and where I go. However, both visits served to remind me how much worse the nastiness feels face to face. I spent most of the last trip doing handyman jobs round the house and driving him round to see "important people". I sat and cringed as I listened to him ramble on about how great he was and what a disappointment I am. Meanwhile, the scientest or politician would try and sneak a glance at their watch and pray for an interruption. When I returned to work after the trip colleagues would ask: "How was your holiday?". AAAAAAARRRRGH!

I really don't feel like going back again but I have many other relatives and friends who I love and it is very much against my nature to sneak over there without him knowing.

So. There it is. No advice, just my experience and feelings

slacka slacka
46-50, M
1 Response Oct 8, 2006

My mother knows I am going over for a month.. she doesnt know how much I have extended that month.. I have pretty much decided to tell her after I get checked in at the airport.. Throwing my cell away as I walk onto the plane.. :) <br />
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I am leaving a lot of ppl I love and care for, but for me.. I can't just go to another state.. I havent been happy here since I came back from Egypt 7 years ago (came bck b.cc of my mother) .. At this point I feel actually trapped here although I am not.. I am leaving in February after a court hearing that I have.. I have tried to get this court date moved up but it seems to be impossible.. <br />
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When I do come back I will stay with friends and of course visit her, but on a limited basis and in my free time. She as far as I am concerned doesnt even need to know my number. If she needs to get a hold of me she can do it through my best friend..<br />
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I dont hate my mother, I do love her, but I know if I stay here she will only keep doing what she is doing.. Nothing will change.. She doesnt realize her actions when I was a kid really screwed my life up, and I have resentment that will never go away b.cc of some of the choices and things she did when I was growing up.