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My Heritage Haunts My Dreams And Calls Me To Places Of Adversity

I was so young the first time I had the dream. I don't suppose I could tell you how old I was, only that I was very, very young. So young the world was still much taller than me and I looked up to everything around me. There have been so many versions they sort of meld together now. Now.... well I'm 32 now, and the mother of four wonderful children, a far cry from the child who remembers waking from what seemed like reality into a dream of some one else's. I have the dream mostly in the spring now, when the earth wakes up it seems to wake up that part of my consciousness. I never really know what to do with it, i wake with a sense of wonder. As my day progresses it often changes to sadness, when the realization that this may always be a dream for me clamors loudly to the front. There is a part of me that longs to be in the desert. Longs to explore a long forgotten part of my past. I have no real idea exactly what may happen if I pursue my dream I do know that it is something that most likely will change the fundamental thought about existence. Don't ask me why I think this I just know. If you are someone who remembers, someone who knows when they have the answer, whether you attribute it to god, universal knowledge, connection to the one. However it's referred to and understood there is a knowledge we all hold true and can access in the quiet of our souls. There, that place is where my dream calls from. I understand this yet struggle to understand when, where, how, and why of that dream. When I chase it instead of fading it solidifies. Which should be a comfort yet it frightens me and I often turn from the message I see. I have a destiny that I avoid in the physical plane. I am afraid of to much in life and that is part of the reason I am here. This realization actually makes me smile. I'm not sure why either, only that somewhere along this road I found my connection to spirit and today it is strong. It is all of us each life, each love, each thought and action, each time we look around and are overjoyed or disgusted. Well that's us too. We are all one in ways that many cannot yet understand. I know that my dream drives me to a moment when the truth of existence may be put into question but, i do that on a daily basis. I find it soothing and pleasing to break down the general constructs of human understanding as we know it.  I don't know why the dreams possible reality frightens me so much. maybe it's just the realization of forces beyond my physical control. maybe it's the fear that it's all just a dream and nothing else, maybe it's just easier to not take the chance. I know it's easier not to know, than to know and understand, yet the road to understanding can often be treacherous if I am not careful. I need to proceed with my eyes wide open and my heart in a mode to receive. 

WyldIris WyldIris 31-35, F Mar 17, 2010

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