Now What?

I am 20 years old, female, and married to a wonderful, funny, handsome man. I truly love and care for him, and we have a beautiful 8 month old son together. We have been together for a year and a half, and I came out to him yesterday. I am so sad and feel trapped in my fake "straight life" I've been pretending to live. I have alwayd known I am a lesbian, but i grew up in an extremely judgemental family and never accepted myself for who I really was. I have always been desperately attracted to women, but never allowed myself to have any sexual experiences with a woman. I was too scared to let go of the carefully crafted lie I have created. I broke down and told ky husband how I really feel, and he wants to stay together for our son. He completely accepts me, but doesnt want an open relationship. I don't want to cheat on him, or hurt him anymore than I already have. I want so badly tobe with a woman and I dont know what to do. I love him and enjoy our sex, but I have never had an ****** or been truly aroused unless I fantasize about women. This is horrible for me because I know I chose to go against my instinct and marry a man. I feel so guilty and sad. What do i do?
ledzeppmama13 ledzeppmama13
18-21, F
2 Responses May 24, 2012

I completely agree with onmywayhome. I think that If you're not feeling satisfied and fulfilled in your relationship now, and it's nothing that can be "fixed" then the feelings of being unhappy will only get worse for you. I also went against my instinct and married my husband. I knew I shouldn't have but now I'm stuck too, eights years later. I don't even have children to worry about and yet I am still stuck and unhappy.<br />
<br />
As onmywayhome suggested, only you can make the decision about what to do but I hope very much that you are able to find the answers for yourself, to live you're life the way you truly want to live it.<br />
<br />
One thing that might help is to consider, being truly honest with yourself, how do you envision your marriage if you stay in ten, twenty, thirty years from now? How do you imagine feeling about yourself and youre life? What is it that you want out of your life? Making a list and writing it all out can help.

Oh, wow. I can totally understand how you're feeling. I'm almost 38, and I've been married for 12 years, and I have to say that the feelings for women, and the feeling that you're living a lie, and that you're not truly living, well, they only get stronger.<br />
<br />
I'm not one who usually gives advice here. I prefer to offer support and love, but not to tell people what to do. BUT...since you asked, "What do I do?" I would tell you how desperately I wish I could go back 10 or 11 years. I wish I could go back to a time when I had children who didn't fully understand what it's like for mom & dad to live in the same house, who didn't go to school and have to move away & go to a new school, and I would leave right away, knowing that the immediate pain it caused my husband and baby would only have been worse if I'd waited and become more & more enmeshed in my fake life.<br />
<br />
If I knew, so very long ago, how much harder it would be to deny my feelings, and how much worse it is for everyone because I chose to try and white-knuckle it through my marriage, I'd have filed for divorce immediately.<br />
<br />
Only you know what to do for yourself. These are only my thoughts on my own life, but if I could save you the 12 years of denial, inner turmoil, depression, anxiety, not-fulfilledness, I'd absolutely have gently and compassionately exited my marriage. <br />
<br />
xoxoxo thinking of you.