I already know the answer. We all do.

We met two years ago. Went out maybe three times before I stopped returning his phone calls. He just wasn't for me, didn't know it then but it was because he was struggling with his own demons.

Met back up in November and he was a changed man. Completely connected. And I'd have really liked to have a hold on him now. But with his faith and where he is in his life as a sober man trying to figure out life again, he says he just isn't in the place for it and that it wouldn't be doing right by himself to get into anything right now. Or at least wants to move really slow. Slow as in, friends at first then hopefully something can develop in the future.

And I just don't think I can do it. We are at different places in life, emotionally. At least that's the way it seems. Part of me really wants to believe that the whole going slow thing will work out but, another part of me thinks that it's just that he's not into me or simply cannot love me the way I'd liked like to be loved and appreciated, at least he cannot do it right now.

When I am in love with someone, I know I deserved for that one person to be head over heels with me as well. To be affectionate. To be free to express their love, to know how they feel, to know how to treat someone they love, and for that treatment to be everything I've dreamt up. For that person to think I'm just as amazing as I think they are.

While he's said he feels honored that I like spending time with him as much as he does me, there's just something off. It seems as our 'love languages' don't match up (excuse the cheesy Dr.Phil lingo). Which isn't the type of thing I want. Or is there some sort of different message I'm supposed to be getting from all of this?

I suppose I'd like to rush into something, I want to be passionate, I want to be caring, I want to love because I know I have a lot of love to give and am ready to share that with the right person. Perhaps it is that he is not the right person right now.

So it just leaves me in the same boat I was in before he came along, alone and focusing on me and my art and my traveling. What is hard to manage is hanging out with him. I see and talk to him all the time, maybe even daily or every other day. Making it especially difficult to deal with my emotions for him. Because I do value him as a person and as a friend, I'd like to keep him in my life in some sort of capacity. But these emotions, as I'm sure you can relate to, are hard.

I leave the States in April, to live in Mexico and travel indefinitely with some visits backs sprinkled in here and there within the next six months. That's the rush I suppose. I'd like to get the opportunity to love him while I'm still here, to show my love, to perhaps have something to hang on to while I'm gone. But it just doesn't look like it's in the cards, if it was supposed to work out, it would have. I know I definitely owe it to myself to just let it go, and have the faith that a love that will be more fulfilling than I can imagine is on the way.

Oh brother...way easier said than done.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 23, 2013