How Hard

How easy it is for the human being to move their legs and move forward.  Yet, how hard it is for the human heart to hesitate and lack the ability to move on from love.  At some point, however, for one to be able to move forward in life and regain their ability to experience all that life has to offer, they need to push their heart into letting go. 

It's especially hard when that love was something that was never fully completed, experienced.  For quite a while, I've been in love with a woman that I just can't have.  Circumstances forbid our lives from joining completely, even though our hearts had already bonded so strongly.  This is a love that I will never fully be able to let die, regardless of where our lives take us from here on, and with whom our lives join with.  

Last night, I was finally able to let myself accept that my love for this woman, while it will never die, it will never be something that can come to a point of fulfillment for either one of us, and that by holding on as strong as I was, is detrimental to both of our hearts, both of our lives. 

While I have been sharing my life with another woman, I've never been able to fully allow her into my heart because I was holding so tightly to another love.  This young lady doesn't deserve that and while spending a very peaceful, relaxing, intimate evening, night, and morning with her, I came to realize that my heart wants to let go and move toward the heart of this young lady.  I just needed to get my mind and my heart to be on the same page.  

Yes, this young lady is pregnant with my child, and one would think I am trying to make more out of that relationship than it is, seeing as though we've never fully committed to each other or even stated that we were dating.  But as time progressed, as we spent more time together, sharing, laughing, just being in each others presence, I came to realize that it was something more than casual and something more than being the baby's father.  Last night, for the first time, I was able to allow myself, allow my heart to just be with her, with her heart, and just be together, and it felt wonderful.  I allowed myself to feel the love that she expresses to me and take it into my heart. 

I can see more clearly now the possibilities of a relationship with her, more than just moments of intimacy.  I can see a future.  I can see the possibility of a life that I've always wanted.  I can see having this woman at my side, and mine at hers.  Something that was, and never would be, possible with the love that first captured my heart, yet she will always remain there.  

So I'm letting go, I'm moving on, I'm embracing what God has put into my life, for He knows the reasons why and knows where I'm supposed to be in life.  It will be hard to know undeservingly broken a heart, although I've already done that to her in the past.  Only now, because I'm letting go, I can no longer hurt that precious heart, but begin the joyous introduction into a new life, a new love, a new peace. 

I pray and hope she understands.  I pray and hope she doesn't hate me for my choice, although if she does, it's a risk I have to take, not only for my heart, but for hers, and for our futures. 

(From Nick Lachey's "Outside Lookin In")

"Outside Looking In"

Paper houses,
And fallen angels,
And at time you can't see in front of you.
Wasted moments,
Trying to be someone I,
Never wanted to be for you.

But I feel my world coming back to life,
My eyes are finally open again.
Now I see it all,
It a different light,
Standing on the outside,
I'm finally on the outside,
Looking in.

Reaching out into unknown spaces,
With nothing left to blur the view.
And now I know I got to find,
This picture frozen in my mind,
Of a life I never knew.

But I feel my world coming back to life,
My eyes are finally open again.
Now I see it all,
It a different light,
Standing on the outside,
I'm finally on the outside.

I'm tearing out the page,
Breathing for a change,
And its so good.

To feel myself coming back to life,
I'm finally on the outside,
I'm finally on the outside.
And I feel my world coming back to life,
My eyes are finally open again.
Now I see it all,
It a different light,
Standing on the outside,
I'm finally on the outside,
Looking in.