I have no one. No one I can really talk to. I've been through so much in my life and I'm only 13 years old. In front  of people I try my best to act like I'm living perfectly fine. It's an illusion; but Id say it works pretty decently. Sure, people think I'm shy, nerdy, "uncool." That, I can live with. But I'm in so much pain on the inside. And every day I'm struggling to hang on. I feel so empty inside like I have no reason to live.I wish I could be a happy person. But it's so difficult when I have so much self hate. And I can't talk to anyone because I feel so hurt inside. I'm scared to express my emotions because I have been stepped on so much in life. And no, not only stepped on. More like shredded up and flushed down the toilet. Maybe I really am a piece of garbage. And a no one. I'm an orphan who has been severely abused and no one at school knows it because I hide everything from them. People tell me I surround myself by an iron wall. It's true; partially. It's just that "I" don't actually surround myself within that wall. I was slurped into it. Swallowed. Trapped.Forced. Get the drift? One cannot underestimate the human capability. Humans naturally respond to their environments. After all I've been through, maybe being "regular" would be a problem. It wouldn't be natural nor normal, to be perfectly bliss in my situation…unless they had no feelings at all...or = a robot  :O And I cry so hard at night. Just wishing on stars, humming sad tunes, praying to God, to someone. Anyone. To let me through this mess. I wake up in the morning feeling so shaky; like a piece of jello (and not even those goood flavored green ones). Like a gray one, once colorful now empty. There's only one person in the world that I trust. He was my AP Global History teacher. He used to talk to me in private, saying that I am "the smartest in the class" and that I was such a "sweet kid." He helped me grow, purely through love and consideration. And I want to thank him for that. So, I don't really why I'm letting all of this out. Maybe as some sort of physical theray for myself; maybe because I am home alone, bored, and can't find something more entertaining than investigating the fridge to see if some food magically appeared (C'mon, you eat when you're bored too, right?). But what I do know is that if anyone is going through similar situations, and is struggling to keep their heads high, please, I'd love to speak to you. I may be small, but I have a big brain :) (Wow, that sounded kinda corny, lol sorry about that)
talyayamilli talyayamilli
Jul 20, 2010