It's So Ridiculous

i've been in a relationship with a man for the past four years.  we seem like a pretty normal couple.  we go on vacation together, to baseball and football games, to concerts, the shore, amusement parks, the park, etc.  he is very affectionate towards me in public and we get along famously (we both have a lot of the same interests and values and the same sense of humor).  however, unfortunately it's like i've been in an episode of intervention.  my boyfriend is addicted to crack. 

rest assured, i didn't just find this out.  i knew he was using when i met him.  at the time i was into my fair share of partying too so i really didn't feel like i should be too judgmental.  if i'm sniffing it, why can't he smoke it?  the thing is, eventually for me it got old, boring, tired, just not even fun anymore so i kind of moved on and i don't do it.  it's not really like we can party together because i don't smoke it.  i went on with my career, and everything seems fine.  however, he is still smoking crack i'd say about 3-4 times a week.  often i am not with him, as he will sometimes disappear for a day or two.  i have tried to be cool.  i have tried not to mind.  but unfortunately something else happened.

someone who is a crack addict is not necessarily the most sexually available person as cocaine is a stimulant which interferes with the body's blood flow.  the first 6 months of our relationhihp was somewhat sexually satisfying however, we have not been sexually intimate in three years.  yes.  that is correct!  i would post this in "i live in a sexless marriage" except we're not married. 

within the past year i got in contact with the guy from the story "i loved someone who didn't love me".  well, he probably still doesn't love me but he's not been with a woman in quite sometime and lives in close proximity to me.  we haven't had intercourse per se but we've engaged in certain activities on more than one occasion.  i'm so terribly attracted to him and i am falling deeper and deeper in love with him.  i know there is no way that he could ever love someone who is cheating and cheating with him, no less and i feel like a failure for not being able to make my "real" relationship work.

the hard part is this.  i LOVE my boyfriend.  i am not even exaggerating.  when he is sober we have a GREAT time together.  i know that i am ratioinalizing my extraneous relationship by claiming that it's like HE is cheating on ME with his crack 3 nights a week.  i know that is not really the case and i feel extremely guilty.  but at the same time i can't stop thinking about this other man.  sigh... i wonder what will eventually happen.

geenpunchbuggie geenpunchbuggie
2 Responses Mar 27, 2009

Hello. I, too, have been in this sort of relationship. The only difference was that I was the cocaine user and my girlfriend didn't know. We spent the last year and a half like a great couple but I would always find a way to get a line or take the night off (and more recently, the whole weekend). The only thing I can think here is, "are you sure he's only smoking it 3 or 4 times a week?". I can tell you for certain that prolonged usage of any of these drugs (be it coke, or crack) will generally deteriorate your body, sex drive, and relationship to a whole new level of low. Hard drugs killed my sex drive for much of the recent past, and it was not going to get better. She was demoted to second priority. I'm ashamed of myself. Fortunately for her, we broke up today.<br />
<br />
Long story short, if you're not happy and he's not willing to stop...<br />
Nothing will change, he won't stop and you won't be happy... it's actually rather simple when we don't let feelings get in the way.

hmmm not a good place to be i think perhaps his addiction is driving you to do things to satisfy your own needs and your not really wrong in doing that, i mean it must seem like your lifes on hold. His(your boyfriends) most definately is on hold or going in reverse. You arent going to be able to move forwards with him, if thats where you want to be going. The crack is actually taking first place now isnt it? as you are wanting his company and the crack is taking priority. I guess you need to ask yourself what you want out of life and what is most important to you. Im not even sure the other guy even comes into this, he is just a distraction for you, i think if your real boyfriend was meeting all your needs you wouldnt be looking towards other people for the comfort your missing out on. Dont you think you deserve better than this. Dont you think you owe it to yourself to make your life as happy as it can be. This isnt a dummy run this is the real thing. Why waste it. The outcome is in your hands surely!.