A Leaf In the Ocean

I feel so alone right now--well, I literally am, aren't I?

The late afternoon sun is shining through my front windows...on a day like today, I normally--in my past---would have been out and about, walking around, or going to a country or horse auction, or hiking, or visiting a museum, or...just something.

Now, I'm imprisoned by my own life. I'm in the one place I never ever wanted to be in--and there' no way out. I tried and tried and tried to get out of this vicious circle of poverty, away from the terrible cycle of manic-depression--but there is no escaping. I know that now. I've tried so hard, to make a future for myself, to make things better, to try and live a fairly normal existence...but there's no way. No way, no way, no way.

God! I'm so lonely! I was always sort of a loner--not that I shunned company, it just sort of worked out that way---but I've never known loneliness like this before. Not ever.

It's a lovely sunny day in early spring--and I'm stuck in my chair in front of my computer, my foot all bandaged and bruised black and blue, top to bottom--and even the simplest task is sheer agony--and I've no one to help me, no one to hug me and tell me everything will be okay---not that it will.

I realize, too often lately, that no one will ever hug me, physically, ever again, and tell me that. No one will ever hold me and let me cry on their shoulder.

All I can do, today--and many days--at least as long as I'm able to keep from being homeless--is sit in my front room, look at the sky and the trees and the old Victorian rooftops, and listen to the sounds of cars and trucks, buses and people, going about their business below--and do nothing. Just sit here and vegetate into the non-entity that I am fast becoming.

And there's nothing I can do to prevent it. I've a photo that my ex-boss sent me, of me working in the Travelodge laundry room, this summer...big grin on my face--which is ironic, as when that photo was taken, I was literally contemplating suicide. Had been for many weeks.

I've gotten quite good at hiding my depression from others--no one, I find, wants to be around a depressed person, very much...and I don't blame them at all, naturally. It's when you can see my depression--when I show it--that it's at its worst. At its worst, there's no hiding it, I'm afraid--well, I can fake it for short periods, but there's times when it slips though--at which point I become somewhat tetchy and/or look very sad, I'm sure--but I try really hard, never to let it show. People don't like that, so I try not to let them see.

So here I sit, behind my windows, in front of my computer...and...nothing. I feel lost--cast adrift---a single leaf in an empty, storm-tossed ocean.
whovian whovian
46-50, F
1 Response Mar 31, 2007

Everything will be okay! Maybe you should sometimes let people know. There are people in this world who are nice and are willing to help. You have to find them. A lot of nice people go to church. I know it probably sounds stupid to you but really what do you got to lose. I worry about you thats all. I hope you can find happiness. It may seem far but you are strong. Take care!