A Little About Me.

Hey I'm really scared to be on my phone right now (which is where im writing this) because my parents track in and go through it. I'm 20 I work 2 jobs full time and I'm an A student at the local community college. My mom used to yell at me when we had to go grocery shopping as a kid, we were poor but I'd go without food in hope that she wouldn't yell at me for grocery shopping but it didn't matter. I learned to think 3 steps ahead. My mom married 3x before I reached 12. My first father beat her and my second put her in the hospital my third I think is ok. It's mostly mental. My mom calls me a **** up for a daughter and I'm a spoiled ***** ungrateful and selfish, I think what hurts the most is when she makes fun of me when I'm sick. Ill ask if we have medicine and after she mocks me she says "get your own damn medicine." I pay my tuition out of pocket, I pay 500$ a month to live at home. In high school I had maybe 4 friends and I was never allowed to talk to a guy once they found out I liked him. My mom would say with a smile"it's not like I've hurt you, yet" when she was cutting vegetables in the kitchen. I remember wanting to kill myself all the time. Now I just want a way out. I hope someday I can be happy, and feel alive.
Chelsenchanted63 Chelsenchanted63
18-21, F
4 Responses Dec 14, 2012

If you pay 500 to stay at home, move out. You can find a room to rent in a nice neighborhood for less than that. You can even buy a condo in a nice spot for less than that.

I came across your post after searching, "I'm living in an abusive home with my mother". I'm recently divorced with two beautiful sweet children. I am a dental hygiene student in my first year of school. I applaud your academic choice considering I am in the same field. I had to move home after the divorce because I had no where to go. Moving home with my parents has been awful. My mom is a child of an alcoholic mother and an abusive father. I feel she has never grown up in a way. I am her emotional support when Dad isn't home. I've been her emotional support since I was 5. At times I believe my first words were, "I'm sorry mommy". She was always crying and depressed. I believed it was my fault. When she was mad she wouldn't speak to us or sometimes she would start fights about how we don't love her enough, when she was sad she would cling to us and hold us as she wept. We also were made to go to church and youth group with out question. There was a moral code in the house that was suffocating. Dad was never home, "working" as he said. I believe to escape her. He abandoned us and left us to take care of his wife. My brother, sister and I all developed an anger with in our soul. A certain rage that I haven't seen in many other families. We were so angry because we were raising our mother and we were children ourselves. My brother turned on me and my sister and would behave violently and verbally abuse us. He also hurt my animals and I was always trying to protect my cat from going into the dryer. My sister eventually ran away and never came back. She's been gone now for 10 years. We've all struggled with drug addiction, depression and suicidal thinking. Just last night she was playing her violin in the middle of the kitchen and refused to stop until I make dinner. (she isn't very good at the violin, so you can imagine the noise combined with little kids running wild) I felt enraged and ran outside to cry. Growing up I had no control over my environment or how people treated me. I could run and hide and cover my ears but I still had to live in the house. What hurts the most is how my mother would treat us but say after her abuse, "Its because I love you, you know." Toxic love. I carried a lot of that pain into my first marriage. I witnessed myself reenacting her behaviors with my children and husband. I see a counselor and am actively trying to improve my emotional well being through education and support. But there are times when I feel very alone and SHE is still there causing me heart ache. Abuse takes many forms. Maybe she didn't hit me with her hands but her behavior caused my whole family to fall apart. None of us are close and we have serious life struggles. Like you, I am finishing my degree before I move out. I have zero income and many school loans. I don't know how I'll make it another year and a half. What hurts the most is that my kids live here too and witness how she behaves. They get angry too and I am afraid of the generational cycle repeating itself. Last night I almost left and took them to a shelter, despite a blizzard hitting the Northeast. Whoever reads this post, keep me in your prayers. The road alone is long and hard. I can only hope and pray that one day this pain will end and me and my children will have a stable home to feel safe. Thank you for reading.

I completely understand how you feel. I'm in the same situation. My parents use to physically abuse me as a child. As I grew up the physical abuse disappeared, but the emotional abuse became unbearable. They frequently call me names, and talk about how much of an unreliable child I am compared to my siblings. They say so many hurtful things. What hurts even more for me, is people not believing a word I say. They see my parents as amazing people, giving to the community, but inside the house is just hell. I'm also in college, and teach part-time. I want to leave, but my financial situation doesn't allow me. It's painful, but the hope of a life outside this house keeps me going. What I'm trying to say is you're not alone, and I wish you the best of luck in your future, and to keep going no matter what. And if you need someone to talk to, I'm here!

That sounds like a very upsetting situation. ):

If you have an income, I say move out and separate yourself from your mother's abuse! You are financially and intellectually independent from her, so you don't have to put up with that kind of pain.

Keep up with EP! We'll support you.

Thank you, I'm going to try to put up with it until I get my associates then I get accepted in the dental hygiene program and ill figure out what to do from there I just have to find an apartment I can afford :/ I appreciate your support

That's a very mature approach! You are a very strong person to be able to be so forward thinking despite the stress around you!

Good choice of career too, dental hygiene pays extremely well, haha. ;)