I Am And L Lived With An Acoa

I had only began to accept my father was an alcoholic and discover its impact on my life when I moved in with my bf......who happened to also be an ACOA, it felt like another way or reason we understood each other and were meant to be. Something else we shared with each other.

I had always known he drank.....but it was different to accept he was an alcoholic.....deep in denial I suppose.

I felt almost good when I discovered ACOA, the laundry lists.....I felt I could begin to make sense of myself.....get better.

I tried to share this all with my partner......

I tried counselling....but had so many other issues to deal with.....ultimately my partner.

He was a compulsive liar.....over everything and anything.....he was a cheat......he was a controlling bully.....he wouldn t talk to me for days sometime while we were in the same house....I really couldn t understand why.....I d never known anyone act that way before.....I thought he must be crazy............or I must be crazy. I was so deep in denial again....but this time about my bf.

I thought I couldn t survive without him......I made sure he was all I had to hide from the shame of how badly it was going.

Only after he left did I realise I couldn t survive with him.

At other times he was the perfect bf.

I had counselling, he had counselling, we had counselling. Trying to make some sense of it all.

I m still struggling to make it sense of it now.....long after it is over.

I am only starting to realise that he nearly destroyed me.....yet all this time i had blamed myself.

I am an ACOA, and I do have intimacy issues......but compared to him......I was a walk in the park.

Together we exagerated the worst in each other.....my relationships before had not always been easy but nothing like that.....I was shocked, I still am.....how that all happened....how I ended up in such an abusive relationship.

I thought I knew what one was, I am loyal, I am caring, I try to understand to figure things out...I put up walls, I withdraw, not really not talking.....just not always understanding the emotional issues.

I am not there, but I m getting there. It is easy now I no longer focus on him.....I only have myself to look at.
An Ep User An EP User
1 Response Jan 7, 2013

My husband is an ACOA. "He is loyal, he is caring, he tries to understand to figure things out, he puts up walls, he withdraws". As a result, I am left with a partner who can't or won't communicate, functions in his own world by shutting me out, lies to cover up mistakes, can't or won't address serious issues like his marriage falling apart or heading into financial ruin because he can't or won't admit that he can't run a business.

I love him. We are getting divorced.

You really do need to focus on yourself. Until you can love yourself with all of your imperfections, you will never be able to honestly love anyone else, and the unfortunate coping mechanisms you've learned as a child in an alcoholic household will only serve to create a false world in your own mind where you are safe and perfect and have no problems. On the other hand, the people you share your life with will not be able to understand why you have no grasp on reality or why you experience a panic attack (my husband) when someone confronts the false, perfect world your mind has created. Until you can love and value your imperfect self, you will continue to struggle with relationships.

I hope this post helps you. It is not meant to be cruel; although, I'm sure you can sense the bitterness in my tone left over from my broken heart. I really do hope you keep working on yourself. The ACOA curse seems to be mighty powerful.