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Sometimes It Is. Just. Plain. Hard.

I have been with my boyfriend for some time now. Surprise trips across the globe, fun afternoons doing nothing but sitting on a couch laughing, sunny afternoons, fun text messages, constant "I Love You's" and smiling and everything in between are a normal part of our life together. And yet...

There are always these dark times. Massive insecurities in himself and relationships as a whole. Flashbacks to the awful divorce his parents had when he was younger. Drunken breakups for no reason where he barely remembers it or simply apologizes the next day. Days where he wants to be left entirely alone and can't bring himself to do anything but sit on the couch in isolation. Spans of time where he can't bring himself to feel good about anything or himself. Days where all he says to me is "You deserve better than me".

It makes me start to tear up just having to think about all the pain I wish I could help him with.

It's mostly triggered after he's been drinking (it's hard to admit, but he is self medicating with alcohol and thus I suppose is an alcoholic). When he's in his right mind he's expressed the same feelings of insecurity and anxiety, but he's able to recognize that he's simply in the middle of another "episode". it's been getting better over the past year, but it still can be quite hard and weigh down upon my own happiness.

Yet he won't seek treatment- his mother tried to force it on him when he was younger and thus he has an "up the punks" attitude about it. He went to alcohol counseling once and I could tell he took something away from it. He's just never had someone supportive and intimate enough in his life (his past exes were physically and emotionally abusive) to try and help him get help... or even just to be there through the storm.

Sometimes it just gets to be too much. I would never leave him. 98% of the time he is the best person in the entire world. I just wish it was easier.

I came to this forum because I feel as if I need help not getting caught up in it, or blaming myself for those bad nights. I need to know I'm not alone Readon the few stories I have has already shown me that a lot of people are going through exactly the same things I am. It gives me hope to have an outlet.
vm22490 vm22490 22-25, F 2 Responses Nov 14, 2012

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Most people get depressed at one time or another. Life seldom comes easy for most people. Three things to consider are:

* family history because sometimes thing things run in families,

* hormonal imbalance that may be common in mankind but may not run in his family, and

* adverse personal experience(s) that might be causing flashback in which your boyfriend is reliving the experience(s).

Typically, these problems are not caused by the current significant others. Nevertheless, the significant other may do something that triggers the episode.

Given your situation, I would advise taking a close look at your boyfriend's mother. What, if anything, did she do that might have caused him to choose abusive girl friends.

One of the tragedies about growing up in an abusive environment is that, all too frequently, the person abused either abuses other or turns the abuse inward. In other words, they abuse themselves because it is all they know.

Despite whatever physical or intellectual prowess your boyfriend may or may not possess, part of his is still a child unable to adjust to the entire spectrum of his present circumstances. Therefore, he probably needs nurturing. This is not the same thing a being a mother hen and micromanaging his affairs. Rather he needs a encouragement and praise. The power of a woman over a man in this regard can be quite profound. Consequently, you may either have to pick up where his mother left off or undo some of the damage she caused.

Another thing to look at is the influence of any male role models in his life. This may include his father as well as older brothers or cousins. Growing up, did your boyfriend have a viable male role model; or, did he have to discover manhood on his own - which can be a frightening experience for a young man.

The mention of alcohol suggests that your boyfriend is trying to escape something. If at all possible, try to find out what it is and help him either overcome it or avoid situational triggers until he finds something more positive to replace the problem in his life.

Stay strong for both of you. Look after yourself. And never say Never.
Some people can't be helped.
Not saying he is like that, but you need to be aware of it.
Wishing you both well and happy.