Does He Really Love Me

My Partner has been depressed for a long time now. I know he misses me terribly if I am not around but he just won't seek any help, he is too proud and thinks he is fine. He does seem to be better than he was a while ago but he is often very cold.

I am living at his parents house in a country where I don't speak the language as it is the best thing for him to be here. However I feel quite lonely here and when he shows me no love I feel even worse. We were seperated for a while before I came here and we missed each other a lot but I am just not sure what my future holds now and the uncertainty is slowly eating away at me.

Some days are great and some days are terrible, I dread the terrible days but the good ones give me hope that things are going to be fine. I just wish that he could show me the love I need to keep my spirits strong. We were always a good team before and sometimes I wonder whether things have changed so much through all this that the bond that we had will possibly never be fully repaired.

Duckz Duckz
3 Responses Jan 29, 2009

Hi thanks for sharing, Im in a similar situation as well. His illness became apparant 2 years ago, it was like the person I loved and knew was disintegrating in front of my eyes and eventually he had to be hospitilized - as it turned into psychosis. I know how it is to feel alone, my family just didnt understand and wanted our son and I to leave and his mother blamed it all on me (despite having this illness and been hospitilized herself) but thats another topic - maybe foul mother in laws? Anyway when he came right he was back to the wonderful loving man I fell in love with and he thanked me for getting him help. That was then and he is slipping again now but is adament he doesnt need the doctor and because the mother in law and I dont get on he is always able to run home to mummy who will agree to disagree with me. Its frustrating and sometimes (most times) I am find myself thinking he doesnt love me. The hurtful comments and actions from him have really destroyed my self esteem. I've lost contact with friends because of he would either sulk when they were around or insult them or their kids, so the isolation began. I feel really disconnected with the world and am beginning to feel so resentful. He used to be so loving but now he is ill he will flirt with other woman and ridicule me to others - all while I am there to see this happening, I dare not raise an issue because I will get called more names such as "insanely jealous" "stupid" "useless" etc. I think he knows how to hurt me and somehow doing it makes him feel better - he confided in me thats how he was raised. He places the responsibility of fully supporting him .... squarely on me> Maybe he is not ill just selfish? Not sure where Im going with this - but really wanted to share a bit of my story to tell you that your not alone ... honestly. And when I came across this site I' feel better to know that neither am I..

I don't know how I missed this reply coming on my email all that time ago, anyway, thanks for your reply, I hope that things are working out better for you.
I know what you mean about the selfish or depressed thing, I don't know what is going on sometimes either. It is tough when you see that person return to being caring and thoughtful and "normal" again only to see the warning signs after. I think I am super sensitive to those warning signs now, like I am waiting for them and sometimes I know I have judged him unfairly because what I thought was a warning sign wasn't. It is tricky to get your head around. The worst thing about the is he better or isn't he thing is that when he is back to his cheerful kind self again, I get quite carried away and think that everything is fine again, it is so easy to be given an excuse to let go of all that anxiety, but it is even more upsetting when you realise the things that make you anxious are still there. The ups n downs are very difficult. Would be interesting to know how you are doing now, if not though good luck :o)

Great story this is exactly how my husband is. I'm lucky I have friends to talk to but some say I should leave and this is very hard when you still love him and have children involved.<br />
Please know you are not alone with this problem.

Thank you for your comments. I am really struggling right now, his family only really has me here because of him, if he acts as if he does not want me here, then there really is no place for me here at all.<br />
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I had councelling before I came here and felt much stronger in myself and thought that this would be an adventure, but now I feel like being in a place where people actually show me love, would be the better thing for me right now. <br />
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I spoke to him about this today and he has no other reaction but anger. If I am upset, he turns it on himself by saying things like "It is always my fault isn't it" then with all the seething and ranting that goes on, the original point and any concern of mine is completely surperssed by the power of his rage and confusion. I feel that he would sware that black was white, even if it meant losing me forever because maybe he just doesn't believe that he would actually lose me.<br />
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If I can't speak to him about anything and there is nobody there for me if I am down. What is the point in me being here, so out of my comfort zone.<br />
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After nearly 11 years of being together, leaving him is the last thing I would really want to do and it hurts more than anything. As my councellor said however when I was talking to her about coming here, If you really love someone then sometimes you have to walk away.<br />
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Maybe in 6 months or a year he would be in a better place to make decisions about our life together, but the thing that scares me about that is, what if he then decides that he wants to be with me again and yet again he builds me up and makes me so so happy, only to drop me on the floor again. Can I really take much more of this?<br />
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I am not a person who would normally talk to people over the internet and it makes me nervous doing it, it does feel a little like I am airing my dirty laundry, putting my problems into a public domain but it is definately better than rattling around in my own head.<br />
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My home country is unfortunately 8000 miles away, so popping for a quick visit is not really possible, I can phone home but that is also a bit tricky as I have to make a phone call using his computer and he uses it for work. This is a really silly situation to find yourself in. <br />
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Swishhh I am very glad that things are looking up for you, stay strong, it sounds like this is having the desired effect. I will keep my fingers crossed for you :o) My partner is also having trouble sleeping right now he must only get a few hours in a night and it makes him even more grumpy. I hope that your fella is sleeping a bit better now, it will make a big difference.<br />
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kdanglewings, I have done a lot of rowing, I am tired, I have been edging towards leaving this country I am in for a while but I am torn because I do not think I will be happy if I leave him. There are many la<x>yers to every story, there is no guarentee that mine will turn out badly even though it is not looking too hot at the moment. Just writing here is making me feel a little better, maybe if you put your story up it might help :o)

A relationship - a happy relationship - is one where BOTH bear the responsibilities they have towards one another. Yes, it's true he is very ill at the moment but if he absolutely refuses to get any kind of help he's being selfish and is shirking his responsibilities towards you. That being the case what you have is a toxic relationship one from which nothing - and I mean NOTHING - good can come from. If he insists on not getting any type of help whatsoever then you need to move on and find someone someone who understands that a happy relationship is not just about taking - it's about GIVING too. All the best! :)

It has been a long time since I wrote this story but somehow I am still suffering the consequences of the issues in my relationship.
I came back to the UK having given up on him moving forwards and decided to focus on myself. Unfortunately when I got back I fell ill and I have been ill ever since, I have chronic fatigue/fibromyalgia/IBS now and I think that the constant stress and not looking after myself is to blame. You would think that all of this would have made me learn my lessons but I am such a terminal optimist that I see he has made progress since I left him to it and I think he realised that being stuck was not working any more, he was bored in his seclusion and needed more so he started to branch out again and be a more positive person again.
Thing is I think I have lost trust in him, I can't risk my health again, now the issue is the two different countries, I don't want to be stuck 8000 miles from the people that have helped me through this horrible time, it has been 3 years since I saw him and he wants me to emigrate with no thoughts towards when I might be able to come back. I never signed up for that and in my present condition it really isn't the greatest idea. Somehow in his head he thinks it is the best thing in so many ways and doesn't see things my way, or if he does he is choosing to ignore it as it doesn't fit with how he sees things going for him. Well of course it is the best thing for him because if he has me there then he has everything sorted, me, his family there, his work etc, but if he has to come back here he has to face the colapse that made him run to the other side of the world to start with and his family would be broken up again. He says he can look after me there but he would be fighting for a job in the economy over here which I can see, cost of living etc is of course important when we are both just finding our way again.

I see nothing but problems in the future if we don't come to an agreement and I will not be made to do anything I do not want to do, I am stronger in myself now after what has happened to me. I think I know deep down what I have to do, it is just so hard because if we both wanted the same things and if my needs were being met in this relationship properly then we would be fine because we get on so well but I am seeing now that love really isn't enough, I have been hurt in ways I didn't think possible and I am not sure that there is any coming back from that.