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Will It All Work Out

Like all of you i to am living with a partner with severe depression, but unlike you we have been self medicating for years, by smoking marijuana joints, not a very smart thing to have done i know. He was doing it for his own reasons that he can not admit to yet blames me, i was doing it to make life easier for me when at home and all of this has just become apparent to me in the last two days. We have stopped quit for good this time (there has been many times where we have tried but have always reverted back to it, especially me as life with him was so hard). But I can safely say it has been months of nothing and my life is completely changed for the better, I regret everything from that time but I have moved forward, i felt no withdrawls for a few weeks i wanted to because thing s are so tough at home, but now the thought of it makes me literally feel sick, however he has moved backwards, he doesn't want to smoke but he has made no other changes his attitude is worse then ever.

We have a business together which he has not worked on for the last 3 months and before that his work was very static one minute he would be right into it the next nothing, I can't get him out of bed, I have to leave him at home he does not get up till at least 12pm and then does not eat all day till i come home and organise dinner. He then stays up all night playing computer games, this is how life has been for the last 2 yrs. We have been together for 7 years but he had another job which sometimes kept him motivated or at least made him get up and get out of the house and before it was just the two of us we lived in a share house. His attitude towards me is never constant I never know what mood he will be in when i get home and i always feel as though i am walking on egg shells, hence the marijuana smoking for me it made everything numb. Now that we have been off it for a while things have been so obvious to me, he is not well, we have sought professional help for our relationship and pot smoking he has a psych and so do i with plans of going to group sessions together, however I have just found out 2 days ago that I have an STD from him which led to me discovering his affair, I have since left, which he did not expect. It happened 10 months ago, but he doesn't see the gravitiy of it he thinks that just because "we" (me) where making all the changes then it should not be an issue, he is very ashamed and sometimes he lets that show. But when we talk he pretends nothing is different, he thinks i will just come home but i told him that is not happening, he needs to make some changes he needs to admit that he has depression.

He now is sitting at home in complete misery, in total denial that he needs medication from a doctor that he needs to recognise that he suffers from depression (both his mother and father do). He wants me to come back, but is still unwilling to listen to what the problems are, he is so keen to blame all of our problems on the pot smoking from years gone by, nothing you say he listens to everything is my fault, everything i do is met with criticism, yet he is completely unable to look after himself, to certain degree. He relies on me for everything, paying the bills, buying the food, driving him places, picking him up, knowing where his keys/wallet/clothes are, what he should wear and so and so on.

I feel completely alone, he is very rarely affectionate towards me, his affection his giving me a punch in the arm (playful, there has been no physical abuse) or tormenting me. I have only been away from him for the last 3 days and whilst my heart is breaking (i love him despite everything) i know i can't go back till he steps up and addresses his issues. His mother knows everything and is now in a way on his back, he has agreed to take anti depressants but I have my doubts as to whether or not he will be committed to it. Has he agreed to do this just because it is what i want? In the last few days and nights as sleep for me at the moment is difficult I have been doing a lot of reading, he has classic signs of depression if not manic (god hopes not).

I am not sure what I hope to gain from writng all of this, i just need to put it all down see that I am not alone in these circumstances, get advice from people who know what it is like to live with a depressed partner. All of my friends and family are taking the obvoius roles of telling me he is no good, that i deserve better, that this is what i have needed to happen so i can walk away, i know they have good intentions but they don't see the whole story. Yes what he did i do not deserve and yes i want more from our relationship, right now i am so mad that he cheated that he put my health at risk for his selfish reasons, but I also know the person he used to be when we first met. Anyway all this is, is me venting. I have no idea what will happen, all i do know is that if he can't face up to his demons then we have no future. I have made so many major changes in my life all for the better, everything is becoming positive for me except for him.



kimbeys kimbeys 26-30 3 Responses Mar 5, 2009

Your Response


A relationship - a happy relationship - is one where BOTH bear the responsibilities they have towards one another. Yes, it's true he is very ill at the moment but if he absolutely refuses to get any kind of help he's being selfish and is shirking his responsibilities towards you. That being the case what you have is a toxic relationship one from which nothing - and I mean NOTHING - good can come from. If he insists on not getting any type of help whatsoever then you need to move on and find someone someone who understands that a happy relationship is not just about taking - it's about GIVING too. All the best! :)

Thanks DarcyQueen,<br />
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Having all of these supportive messages come through has been wonderful, and I can say with 100% certainty I will be here WITHOUT the dope, life has too much to offer to smoke it away. <br />
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The thought had crossed my mind to kind of take step back and maybe start going on dates together again (we aren't married legally, but for all sake and purpose we were). Make the time to see each other instead of taking each other for granted, i guess we got comfortable and stopped making the effort, especially him and with me taking on the mothering roll, intimacy for me felt like a job as well. It is something i plan to talk about with my councilor on Monday, we have a lot to talk about.<br />
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I also don't feel ready to go back, this may sound selfish and immature but i want him to grovel a bit to understand how much he has hurt me with the affair (I only found out about it 3 days ago, so this may change over time and therapy), but i feel if i was to go back now nothing would change that it would go back to the same old crap (minus the dope- i am committed to stay off it, it has been really quite easy once i made that choice, i have done a lot of research on it as well joining forums just like this and while most people struggle for a long time there have been the few posts that have said once they made the choice to get off and stay off it was easy they never looked back, so while i still need to be strong and motivated the hardest part is behind me).<br />
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But as for my relationship I need to feel loved and respected again and I need to show love and respect again, right now I am at my parents place taking time out, and for anyone out there that would like some advice or help and they think I can help then please ask, I am more then happy to share my experience and offer any advice that I can.

oh yeah you are definitely right the dope smoking has had a profound effect I am not denying that it was a stupid mistake that can not be taken back, I am the lucky one. Everything for me is so much clearer I wish i had of done it sooner. The health effects are not permanent from his infidelity, it was just the last straw.<br />
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My partner and I still talk, and it won't be something that I can't forgive, the pain is just a bit fresh right now, I need time out and by me leaving I am hoping that it serves as a wake up call fom him.<br />
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As for dope smoking its all over there will be no weening it has been 3 months of nothing and i don't think going back would help at all, maybe I am wrong, but you could also say we have been weening off it for the last year cutting down. But right now it is the last thing that either of us want to do. But thx for the advice and support, it is just nice to have a place i can go to and talk to others who have similar experiences.

I understand where you are coming from - you are not alone. I am sorry that you have a health issue from the actions of someone else. I hope it is easily curable, and that you are able to work through the hurt that comes from an extra-marital affair.<br><br />
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Although your husbands depression comes from family history, do you think it is amplified from smoking ganja?<br><br />
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There are health issues that are reported to occur from use - but there are conflicting studies.<br><br />
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One proven study is that any drugs that induce the brain to produce dopamine, can actually inhibit the body from producing its own dopamine. (They call it dope for a reason) Over time the body builds up resistance, and therefore requires more drugs to level out that dopamine - let alone get high again. That can be more of the same substance or more from another substance.<br><br />
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Try weaning off the dope, and regaining that natural high (or happy place).<br><br />
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Bless you - I hope it all works out! :-)