Will It All Work Out
Like all of you i to am living with a partner with severe depression, but unlike you we have been self medicating for years, by smoking marijuana joints, not a very smart thing to have done i know. He was doing it for his own reasons that he can not admit to yet blames me, i was doing it to make life easier for me when at home and all of this has just become apparent to me in the last two days. We have stopped quit for good this time (there has been many times where we have tried but have always reverted back to it, especially me as life with him was so hard). But I can safely say it has been months of nothing and my life is completely changed for the better, I regret everything from that time but I have moved forward, i felt no withdrawls for a few weeks i wanted to because thing s are so tough at home, but now the thought of it makes me literally feel sick, however he has moved backwards, he doesn't want to smoke but he has made no other changes his attitude is worse then ever.
We have a business together which he has not worked on for the last 3 months and before that his work was very static one minute he would be right into it the next nothing, I can't get him out of bed, I have to leave him at home he does not get up till at least 12pm and then does not eat all day till i come home and organise dinner. He then stays up all night playing computer games, this is how life has been for the last 2 yrs. We have been together for 7 years but he had another job which sometimes kept him motivated or at least made him get up and get out of the house and before it was just the two of us we lived in a share house. His attitude towards me is never constant I never know what mood he will be in when i get home and i always feel as though i am walking on egg shells, hence the marijuana smoking for me it made everything numb. Now that we have been off it for a while things have been so obvious to me, he is not well, we have sought professional help for our relationship and pot smoking he has a psych and so do i with plans of going to group sessions together, however I have just found out 2 days ago that I have an STD from him which led to me discovering his affair, I have since left, which he did not expect. It happened 10 months ago, but he doesn't see the gravitiy of it he thinks that just because "we" (me) where making all the changes then it should not be an issue, he is very ashamed and sometimes he lets that show. But when we talk he pretends nothing is different, he thinks i will just come home but i told him that is not happening, he needs to make some changes he needs to admit that he has depression.
He now is sitting at home in complete misery, in total denial that he needs medication from a doctor that he needs to recognise that he suffers from depression (both his mother and father do). He wants me to come back, but is still unwilling to listen to what the problems are, he is so keen to blame all of our problems on the pot smoking from years gone by, nothing you say he listens to everything is my fault, everything i do is met with criticism, yet he is completely unable to look after himself, to certain degree. He relies on me for everything, paying the bills, buying the food, driving him places, picking him up, knowing where his keys/wallet/clothes are, what he should wear and so and so on.
I feel completely alone, he is very rarely affectionate towards me, his affection his giving me a punch in the arm (playful, there has been no physical abuse) or tormenting me. I have only been away from him for the last 3 days and whilst my heart is breaking (i love him despite everything) i know i can't go back till he steps up and addresses his issues. His mother knows everything and is now in a way on his back, he has agreed to take anti depressants but I have my doubts as to whether or not he will be committed to it. Has he agreed to do this just because it is what i want? In the last few days and nights as sleep for me at the moment is difficult I have been doing a lot of reading, he has classic signs of depression if not manic (god hopes not).
I am not sure what I hope to gain from writng all of this, i just need to put it all down see that I am not alone in these circumstances, get advice from people who know what it is like to live with a depressed partner. All of my friends and family are taking the obvoius roles of telling me he is no good, that i deserve better, that this is what i have needed to happen so i can walk away, i know they have good intentions but they don't see the whole story. Yes what he did i do not deserve and yes i want more from our relationship, right now i am so mad that he cheated that he put my health at risk for his selfish reasons, but I also know the person he used to be when we first met. Anyway all this is, is me venting. I have no idea what will happen, all i do know is that if he can't face up to his demons then we have no future. I have made so many major changes in my life all for the better, everything is becoming positive for me except for him.