It was a day from hell. I went to the hospital for some regular blood work, an I was asked to settle down because the doc wanted to talk about something 'important'.

I did not know what was coming. I thought cancer first. And then thought, "Nah! Can't be that." The doc's assistant hurriedly opened a register of notes, made an entry in my name looking at my report and looked into my eyes before she said, "What do you know about HIV?" For a moment, my heart sank. And then the feeling lingered. For a long long time. The rest of the events that day went in a haze. I went to work, did my chores, came home exhausted, and for the first time, did not dress up after taking a shower to go out and drink up with my buddies. I quietly slipped inside my quilt, and heard my heart beat. Like, truly hear it for the longest time before I fell off to sleep.

Its been 5 months now since. I have accepted the fact. Have even told a couple of my friends. I want to live. Normally. Till I can. I understand the impending ill health and eventual termination is something which will haunt my sub conscious every second, but I want my life to be more than that! I am doing fine till now. I haven't changed, not drastically at least. I still party. I dance. I laugh. I feel. I reminisce. I dream. But something has changed, I think. I am less confident of making a mark in my life. I fear that before I can become what I intend to be, the word will get out and I will be shunned forever. You see, I am a good employee with great potential and high ambitions. I wanna fly. Across the world. Last year I visited London, Edinburgh, St. Andrews, Redhill, Glasgow, and this coming month I would be in Ireland and the places nearby. I wish I had time to travel more.

Living in India, this disease is considered a curse. We have people, I know, who are open-minded and accept HIV positive friends. But no one will ever date me now. That pinches, a little. I wish to settle down, with someone I am compatible with. Someone who truly cares. I am not too keen on making a "living" or an exemplary relationship with her. But I want a friend, who wouldn't mind sharing a room with me and doesn't care about social norms.

I am on EP to just.. I dunno. Meet like minded people. May be I am able to deal with my fears better. May be. Hope is all I have got.
anormalguy anormalguy
31-35, M
2 Responses Aug 18, 2014

Hello friend. I read your story and I know exactly how you are feeling. I found out I was positive just a few weeks ago and it's a very difficult situation. I'm also more worry about my family and living in secret with friends and family. This disease has a big stigma and stereotypes and not everybody is going to be very supportive. I told 2 of my close friends and they've been supportive but I don't think is going to be the same with others. Let's have faith that will see the day the cure is found and we don't have to think about this problem anymore. There are many challenges ahead of us and with support from others we will find the strength to never give up. Best of luck and stay in touch!

So sorry for your sad news. Try to remember to not define yourself by your illness. If you do, you will end up losing yourself and the illness will control all aspects of your life. You can still do all the wonderful things you dreamt of. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. Take advantage of every day and learn to live your life to the fullest. Best wishes to you!

Thanks Sapphire89.

Don't be sorry. :)
I am not. I don't know how I caught it. It must have been sex, of course. But I still don't know the source. I don't let it and will never let it define me ever, however, I cannot not remember each second that the virus exists. Inside me.

I am doing good at work.. am still a popular guy amongst friends. I party. I drink, sometimes. And its not really about a secure tomorrow. Its more about having a secret. A harsh horrible secret. I cannot tell my parents. I wish to outlive them at least. But the question will always be there, "What if I don't?", the answer to which is that they will have to live in a society who will know the truth and make their rest of the lives a living hell. You don't know how it is here.

I am not concerned about me. M concerned about people around me.
Ironic, ain't it?

You're right, I don't know how it feels to be in that situation. I do have a bit of an understanding of what it is like there due to the culture. Are your parents looking at marriage for you soon? I know that would be tough for you.

Well.. They are. But they know that they cant force me into things. Like my sister is about 6 years younger to need. And they are now planning to get her married, specially coz she has a steady boyfriend for the last 4 years. I am not adverse to marriage. But I know my

Options. I have been looking at ... Just for their sake. I personally am happy being single, coz I belong to that crazy strata of romantic hopelessness.... Nevertheless, marriage is the least of me worries right now.

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