My Mind Is A Cell, I Long To Be ReleasedI close my eyes and see myself sitting in a cold dark concrete walled cell. I am sitting on an old rusted chair and my arms and feet are bound with thick iron chains. There is only one window in my cell but I cannot see out. The window is large but hardly any light gets through because of the paper covering it. I am alone in my cell. I'm not afraid but at the same time I am not brave either. I feel nothing. I am nothing.
I here a voice calling to me and I open my eyes to see the only one I love shaking me and asking me if I am okay. I think, should I tell her. No, I would upset her. So, instead I lie. I tell her I'm fine that I just had a dream, that I was chancing someone. She says okay. I tell her I love her and I make her feel happiness again.
But then even once she has climaxed and lays in my arms, I must close my eyes again and face the reality of tomorrow. Tomorrow I return home and will not see my love for at least a week. I can't bare being away from her.
She txt me the other night and told me we were moving apart because of the Nazi'ness of my parents. Their control over me. I agree but I can't do anything. I try to tell her, explain to her all the sacrifices I have made for her. I even almost died once after visiting her when I knew I was not supposed to.
She text me back and told me it was her fault. That no one has ever made her feel so much to blame or upset as I did just then. I tell her I'm sorry that I didn't mean it like that. That I was just trying to show her how much I try, how much I do for her.
She says okay, that she loves me but still thinks it is her fault.
I tell her to wait till august, that then we can live together and in September we can go flatting and bond our future.
She says okay. She says it is hard to wait, that she loves me and feels alone.
I tell her I feel dead without her and I don't want to feel dead anymore.
I tell her to wait. She says she will.
I love her so much.
She saved me from suicide. I haven't told her yet, maybe I never will. I had even picked the perfect place to jump from.
Somewhere where my body would hit the concrete and kill me instantly, make the pain go away.
Then she came. She showed me true love, not just short relationships like I had in the past.
But with love comes sacrifice and emotion.
It isn't her fault it is my parents control over me.
It is my cowardly stance that I can't leave and take control of my life like my younger sibling has.
I hate myself when I'm at home or alone, away from her.
We have been together for just over three months now.
I don't think I could exist without her.
She has filled in the gaps in my heart, mind, body and soul.
The one thing in my life that was missing is here.
I love her.
I don't want her to leave.
MyMindIsACell 18-21, M 0 Jul 24, 2011