I Know Nothing About Living

i'm miserably in every which way possible, and i feel like this has been normal for as long as I can remember. there are days that do bring a smile to my face, days that i work more than i have been asked to just because I want to do a good job, play basketball, have an interesting conversation, and truly enjoy the company I am in and myself for being there connecting and laughing. But those days/times are so few... and when I do have a good day, I feel completely awful almost the very next day or so because I know I can't have that experience again for a long time, either due to circumsances or just the way i feel....  apathy, misery, loneliness, anxiety is all I really know. i think i'm also quite stubborn, narrow minded, arrogant or some combination of the above. and for the most part, i'm socially clueless, scared, fickle, self destructive.

i felt this way when I was 10, 20 and now i just turned 30, and it's just more of the same.

i'm good looking, and relatively fit with my clothes on - but if I take my shirt off it's obvious I need to lose about 10-15 pounds. but i've never managed to lose those extra pounds ever. I might start working out regularly, lose a couple of pounds, which immediately shows in my face, start looking really good again, but since practically nothing happens in my life, and i have nothing to look forward to, i invariably have a bad enough day to stuff myself with a whole pizza, and I'm right back to square 1.

i had not been with a girl until i was 25 - and that was a hooker in a chinese massage parlor. it's also the first time i ever got a h..andjob, and the first time i actually came - that's right, as much as I had tried, i was never able to jerk off to o..rgasm until that moment. it took several more trips to the massage parlor, where I would usually last a minute before I came, to have something click in my head for me to actually be able to jerk off. After that, as far as intimacy is concerned, that's pretty much all I have been doing.

one big reason i didn't have friends in school was because of a huge inferiority complex I had - i am from a well to do family, but everybody in my school was super rich, and I always had a chip on my shoulder and all I wanted to do was to prove that i was better than them even if they had all the money - of course it doesn't take much to realize that i managed to ostracize myself from all the cool kids.

wit all this going on, things at home with parents weren't great either. we had moved abroad for my father's work, and living in a foreign country with foreign customs and a real sense of religious and cultural segregation was hard enough. as much as I wanted to change things, things always felt like they were destined to remain the same. after highschool, there was some real financial reality to be faced because turned out we didn't have enough money for me to go to college, at least not in the UK or US. When I finally did manage to get a scholarship to the US, the college turned out to be straight dump -but i was so fedup with living with my parents for a couple of years after highschool, that i wasn't going to go back. suffice to say that the experience in the us college was terrible, and this did not give me the opportunity to make amends with my parents - which I so very much wanted to do. in 7 years since I came to the us, I also never went back to visit - mostly because I wasn't the success that I planned on being, and I also some how managed to convince my parents not to come an visit either. unbeknownst to me my mother was going through terrible depression - neither my father or younger brother ever mentioned this to me  - 3 years ago she committed suicide - it was by far the worst thing that could happen in my life, and it was incomprehensible to me. all i wanted to do was to find a meaningful way to get close to her - and now I will never be able to do that again.

it's 2010 now, i'm still in the US, a lot of things have happened since. 2009, i was mostly out of a job, because i kept putting off something that I should have done for a supporting project, and I was fired late january, and it was one of the worst times to lose a job. i lived on my savings for 8 months, and finally managed to find a good job, but i am still battling the same negative tendencies, as well as the trust and emotional issues that I have connecting, collaborating, and working with people - which affects the productiveness and effectiveness of how i execute my work. and that's where I am now, having put off something which should have been taken care of months ago, but now is coming to a head.  i hope however, that this wont set things back too far, or at all, but I know i could have done a much better job.

i had 1 real girl friend, who I wasn't attracted to, but she was rich, made out and went to third base on the first day - in her mom's house where they were having a family gathering. somehow her mom let me stay in the house and nobody pulled a shotgun on me. but that lasted a few more days before I realized I'm not going to be attraced to her, and if I was to have sex, I'd probably only last 2 minutes anyway.



bonesnstones bonesnstones
26-30, M
Feb 21, 2010