I was absolutely terrified of the idea of college in my freshman year. I go to a school five hours from home, with almost 20,000 people. I had never been drunk, and my freshman roommate was everything that I wasn't - she was pretty and outgoing, she went to parties and had an off-campus boyfriend who visited her every other weekend.

I eventually made friends in my hall, but they were all very conservative, Christians. As the year went on, I became comfortable enough that I eventually wanted to have some college-experiences, like going to parties and drinking; but by that point, I had pretty much solidified how other people saw me, since I hung out with people who did not drink or anything. My hallmates were lovely, nice people, but they never did anything besides homework and watch movies on the weekends. Towards the end of the year, I eventually just started avoiding them, eating by myself in secluded places, and just doing homework by myself in my room.

Fast forward to this year, and I'm basically friendless again. I have friends from last year who are attempting to get together, but I really just wish I could find a friend group that I share common interests with, not friends that I have because they live on my hall. But it's hard, since everyone seems to have friends from last year. My roommate this year (she was randomly assigned to me) is super nice. She's funny and outgoing, but she also has friends from last year that she'd rather hang out with. I know the obvious answer is to just ask to tag along, but I'm just really shy and want to make a good impression on her; I don't want her to think that I'm friendless for a bad reason. As it is, I've been sitting in our room the past three nights, because I have no one to hang out with, while she's gone out with people.

I feel so sad, because I really wanted this year to be different. I knew that it wasn't going to happen automatically, but I just wish I had one friend who I really connected with. I think it's so hard for me because I left friends I've had for fourteen years back home, and I know nothing can really stack up to them in the long run. My parents think I'm much happier than I was last year, because they're always making jokes about how much I annoyed them when I called every day, and how happy they are to get rid of me, so I don't even want to call them and tell them it's happening again. I just want to cry, I'm so frustrated.

I've considered transferring a few times. The state school where I'm from is much better than the school I attend now, and it would be cheaper because I'd be in-state. I'd also have my best friend there, and she's said a few times that she'd love for us to be roommates; but she has friends there too, so I feel like I'd just be dragging her down. I really don't want to transfer, even though it seems kind of obvious that I should. I don't want to quit, and I also would be so sick to my stomach if all my credit didn't transfer, and I had to stay in school an extra year, wasting my parents' money. I also think that I won't do much better at a different school, even if it is closer. I don't want to be pessimistic, but I think it's just very hard for me to make friends. I'm just so upset; I tried so hard to make sure this didn't happen again, and I can already feel myself slipping back into it. I'm not sure what to do at this point.
Calleycat Calleycat
22-25, F
Aug 25, 2014