I'm Suspicious Of Those Who Befriend Me

It never used to be this way. When I was in highschool I had a wonderful group of friends that I spent all my time with. They were good friends. Real ones. After highschool we drifted apart, especially once I moved to a different city. I had trouble making friends in the new city, but I did meet some people to hang out with. A few of them were fake friends and I had to end things. The real friends have moved away.

When I was in university, I made very few friends, probably because I didn't try very hard. I felt that I didn't fit in anywhere. Looking back, I can see there were people who tried to befriend me that I do actually like and for some reason I did not take advantage of it. And now it is too late. It's like there's something inside me that causes me to ignore anyone who approaches me. Even now, I can sense a friendship forming between myself and this other girl at work, and it is freaking me out. I understand intellectually that I can be a good friend to someone, and I can be fun to hang out with and I'm loyal. But for some reason when someone I like tries to befriend me, I have trouble believing that they actually like me. I question it and I wonder what they really want out of me.

I want so badly to have a meaningful friendship, but the actual act of becoming close to someone scares me.

I only have one real friend right now, and she lives in another city. I am so thankful to have her as a friend, although I often wish that I had more friends in my own city that I could hang out with. I hate when I see something that looks like fun to do, then I realize I have nobody to go do it with. I hate coming home at the end of the day and wanting someone to talk to, only to realize there is nobody that I can call. I used to have a boyfriend that was my best friend but we broke up two months ago. So ever since that has happened I have come to realize just how friendless I really am.
Sunburst Sunburst
1 Response Apr 9, 2011

Ok your in the post boyfriend zone so go easy on yourself look on it this way you have a fresh canvas to paint with new friends and experiences try maybe lookin as friends as just for fun not some intense meetin of minds just a friend to do something next time someone suggests something just say yea great ill go but i may need to leave a little early to do something(make that bit up its a white lie;) next you try andif ever you feel uncomfortable just in general distance yourself a little but not to much your probably like me find it difficult to assert yourself so you dont want to be taken advantage of or be alone either both are bad times gettin older means you getmore selective and being alone is sometimes better thn bad companyy;) take care