I Am Lonely But Afraid of Making Friends
I have a long history of trying to make friends , thinking I have made a friend and then having them stab me repeatedly in the back. Over my 21 years of existance, it's made me bitter and untrusting. I spent my childhood jealous of all the other little girls with their 'best friends'. I never had a best friend. I've never really had a friend. At least it makes Christmas cheaper...
For point of case, take my friend from my first year at University. To hide her real name, I'm just going to call her 'Anne'. Anne lived in the room directly below me. She was one of the first people I met at university and we hit it off. We spent a lot of time sitting talking to each other, going for walks (as the campus was very beautiful and we were both into photography), going shopping, cooking together and other friendly things. At the end of the year, we moved into a small house with three other people (all lads). This is where the feud began.
Anne was very friendly with two of the lads. These two were big, hulking manly men. I never saw eye to eye with them, mainly because they were both quite conservative and homophobic and I cannot tollerate prejudice. I became more friendly with the other lad, who was quite quiet and camp and more like me. This caused a direct split down the middle of our household.
On top of this, Anne and her two friends took a dislike to my boyfriend. I have no idea why. My boyfriend is much like me. He's very quiet and polite. He does not drink or smoke. He rarely visited our house, and when he did he always left early as he would have work the next day. The only exception to this rule was one week where I invited him to live with us because his house lost electricity. With the exception of the lad I was friendly will, my other flatmates were incredibly rude and hostile with him.
Eventually, my friend could not take living with them any more and moved out. In his place (against my wishes) they invited a lad I had never met. This lad was autistic and had a history of having very loud tantrums and being violent. I asked Anne if we could meet up and talk to discuss my grievances, as I did not want to leave in bad grace. I got back a text saying "Whatever, all you want is attention". This was the final straw. I left that house and moved in with others. The others are not much better, but at least they like my boyfriend.
So that is just one of my many bad experiences in friendship. I am so lonely, but I just seem to be stabbed in the back by the friends I do make. I would love to have some more likeminded friends. I'm enjoying being to EP as it's a great way to talk to similar people :)
