Neither Fish Nor Fowl

Sometimes I feel that i am neither fish nor fowl.  In "normal" circles- even ones consisting of my close friends I don't fit.  I feel like a square peg being pushed through a round hole. My pas leaves me separate from the people I know and for that matter the people i don't know.  It's like a pane of glass between us, i can see through it, but i cannot really touch anything on the other side.  It leaves me touchy about things.  The sensitivity makes me ill tempered, and unreliable at best.  I cannot see clearly and it hurts people.  Experience has taught me that sharing my experiences doesn't remove the barrier it reinforces it. After all, many of the people i HAVE shared with have called me weak for it, and while it angers me... part of me fears that it is true. Others flat out don't want to know.  I have very few truly supportive freinds.  Sometimes, the less supportive of my confidants will take things i have said in confidence, and let it be publicly known and they taunt me for it... that hurts quite a bit.  I have not coped well, but i have not been treated well by those i most depend upon for support.  A lot of the people i DID go to regularly for support i have exhausted with my inability to heal, or they just found other things to do... OR  worst of all our relationships were unhealthy and had to be ended for my well being.

You would think then, that in the survivor communities i would fit just right then, but i don't.  I'm not really good support for one, i never know what to say, especially when it comes to things that i relate to and effect me deeply.  I am not anymore overcome by my experiences,  nor am i well adjusted.  I get lost, and afraid, and hopeless- but it never lasts long.  Though there are those who would help me, i either, dont know how to take their offers- or i dont believe i deserve it.

On both sides i am perpetually terrified of saying the wrong thing, except when my temper gets the best of me and i don't care.  I am always worried about how i will be perceived and it hurts me.

I feel lost and lonely
abandoned and alone...
and i dont know what to do about it.

Shierke Shierke
26-30, F
1 Response Feb 26, 2009

Life can be a ***** like that.I sometimes have to force myself to chat to people and make friends