Just Sm:)e

its peculiar.

two years ago... nobody would have guessed my life would turn around like this. 
                         but then again... nobody knew me two years ago.

but i need to start at the beginning. in order to get this right. this isnt the whole story... just the main points. 

Elementary school. a place of acceptance, fun, and play. we had a big playground, with lots of kids my age in it. the thing was though, i didnt act my age. i was one of those kids who was weird. i didnt understand. i wasnt mean, i know i wasnt. i dont like to hurt people. but what could i do? i stayed with the adults. i became mature at a very early age. instead of playing, not that anyone wanted to, i would walk around on the playground looking for people who were sad or all alone. i would make them feel better, by playing with them, talking to them, just being a friend. of course, once they were happy again.. they wouldnt talk to me anymore. but i thought this was normal. it happened all the time. 

it wasnt until fifth grade... i made my first friend. she was awesome. beautiful. popular. sassy. everyone loved her. how did i get to know her? well, she didnt like me around either. at first. i would go and talk to her, she would tell me to leave, go away. it wasnt until she was hurting too, we became friends. the kids at school had started a hate club towards her. they are still enemies to this day. but that wasnt the point. see... i had a friend. a good friend. i was so... so... happy... i didnt care if she asked me for a couple dollars at every dingle football game, and never paid me back. i didnt care she ignored me sometimes. she came over. and she played with me. people at school said she made fun of others, i didnt believe them. she was my friend. she just had one problem... she was motivational, but didnt do it very nicely. she used to hit people, to slap some sense into them, saying dont give up! and they wouldnt. i dont blame her for hitting me. thats the way she was used to doing things. (no, her parents were not abusive towards her.) 

it wasnt until high school, i found out she really was mean. i never talked bad about her, but when others did, i couldnt stand up for her, because they were telling the truth. i met other people, who liked me for who i was, and i became caught. i didnt know who to sit with, because they all hated each other. so i was what you call a floater. i went from one table to the next clique... because i didnt belong to just one. i didnt have any close friends. i was alone. it took me seven years to see that. to see that friends wait for you at the door after school. that friends write each other notes. that friends ask to help with homework. i was so amazed. they were so confused. i hadnt experienced this kind of friendship. during 8th grade, she and i had split apart, and so it had been awhile since anyone really talked to me. they didnt make fun of me. they laughed with me. not at me.

but because of this... everyone was just a friend. nothing more. i was still alone. am. maybe it was my parents. they had three other younger kids to take care of, i didnt want to just be in the way. or... maybe it was boys. ive always been shy around them... and it hurts when everyone you see has someone to belong to. maybe thats it. or maybe... i just need to wake up and look around. ive got more than i can ask for. so why... does it seem, like no one really cares?

this... is just the first story. and its still not finished. i just tell myself... i have to keep on sm:)ing. 
soharu soharu
Aug 11, 2010