Alone In A Crowd--again.Here we are 6,950,000,000 people or so.How could anyone truly be lonely. If I wasn't one of the lonely I would never believe it possible.But I am.
I move around in a world full of people and it seems like I am inside a glass cocoon,unable to break fully free. Occasionally I can stick my arms out to hold a grandchild, hug a daughter,interact with others. But quickly I am completely surrounded again.I can hear everything,All the conversations occurring between other people.The ones I don't dare contribute to...if someone wanted me to would they not speak directly to me and obviously include me in? But they rarely do. They never have.It's the same glass walls I was in as a teen, when I would hope and pray someone would talk to me and be my friend.But they somehow saw my desperation or guessed what I already knew.'They wouldn't like me anyway.' I would smile politely and look from face to face hoping for a friendly signal.But they would never come.Then as I was leaving I would inevitably hear about" Miss Too Good For Us", or "She thinks she's all that""she won't even speak to us,stuckup"Naturally, this was from girls.Boys,they were different as are men.With them I know exactly how to get their attention,quickly and completely. It's after the sex and they leave the lonliness is there again. There doesn't usually seem to be any other reason a male would want to speak to me anyway.Before I learned the art of seduction,men were just as out of reach as women.I never truly fit in. Anywhere.
The shrink says when your past starts coming back to bite you it's being triggered by something going on today. I have a lover who truly loves and cares for me and I him. A wonderful love although far away that brings joy to my heart each time we talk.I have grandchildren who actually get excited to see me and 4 daughters who,although they are busy and don't usually visit or call say they love me.Still,I am in the glass bottle still looking out at the world just like I did as a kid. When will it ever break and allow me to live as part of the rest of the world? Or maybe it never will, because if it did then I would not be able to blame it for the world staying away and no one being interested in knowing me. or worse yet,getting to know me and deciding they don't want to know me anylonger.! I guess I have alot to think about.