Lonely And Lost

I am 19 years old, have never had a relationship or anything close to it, and while I always say that I don't need anyone or I am happy being single, it is simply getting harder and harder to be by myself all the time. I have friends, I have a job and know a lot of people, but still I find myself sitting in my room a lot thinking about how lonely I really am.
I think the fact that I got out of bed at 3 in the morning, turned on my computer and typed 'I am lonely' into Google can give a little hint as to how I feel.
I am constantly surrounded by happy couples and while I am glad that those people can find happiness with eachother, I just wish so much that somebody would want to be with me. I have always had issues with myself; confidence issues, insecurities, trust issues, because as a child I was physically abused by my mother's boyfriend without her knowledge for 4 years, and growing up, my sister was very beautiful and slim while I was quite boyish and fat, so she made my life hell, along with all of her friends and all of boykind. I find it very hard to trust people because infidelity has been the cause of pain for my mother, my sisters and my friends all my life. I always see couples break up because of infidelity and it makes me lose faith in....well...love and relationships and people in general. It makes me think that even though I am lonely, nothing can be worth that pain. But then on the other hand, I do see happy couples whose love seems to be able to overcome anything, and then I think "what's a little pain if you can be that happy even just for one day?"

I don't want to feel so alone all the time. I feel like I am drowning, but nobody notices, that I am slowly fading away and nobody cares. I am only 19, I should not feel like this should I? I still have so much time but I just feel like giving up. I just want somebody I can talk to who knows how I feel, and doesn't just say "yeah I know how you feel", when really, they are in love and happy.
madcow15792 madcow15792
18-21, F
5 Responses Jan 9, 2012

i actually do know how yu feel. like being ok with everything is just a cover that i present. when really i wish for good stable friends,that special someone and for my family-well mother realize im doing all i can to help my sister who is high risk for her pregnancy, im taking classes online,my job laid me off techincally, i had a best friend but she works and is busy most times and i just hit my stress peak. its hard to handle being or feeling alone because yu dont know who to turn to in a time of need or who to vent to as well. but i write in my journal and i exercise so that helps. im also trying to go into the air force but i have to do my retake of the asvab and im still waiting in the meantime besides doing school and being responsible..

I'm married...but I still feel devastatingly lonely, because I have trouble emotionally allowing myself to need people. That means they can destroy me.

*hugs* I feel this way all the time, and i think it's natural. I'm 19 and never been in a relationship and yeah it hurts. I know that there's nothing wrong with me(and there's nothing wrong with you!) but it does hurt your self esteem when no one seems to like you. Don't give up though, try to distract yourself with things you love to do and stay a way from couples if you can. Also venting on here sometimes helps too.

yeah its kinda hard to stay away from couples when you live with the loudest couple ever, they are in the room next to me (and below me) because they met this year when we all moved in together for uni, and now they are constantly together giggling and laughing and being so...gad damn happy....ugh

No dear one, you should not feel that way, but you have been through a lot and it is admirable you are working and trying to have a meaningful life.<br />
So many of us have not found someone to bond with and like you we see so many examples of couples that break up due to infidelity.<br />
I know it is hard to keep trying, but try to get out there and increase your chances by increasing your contacts with others. <br />
Many people have acquaintances, few have someone of the opposite sex to respect and love them or even a good friend that will not be passive aggressive towards them.<br />
Be safe and let us all know how it is going. Tell us who you meet (not his real name of course, that would freak him out), what was wrong with him:) and all that jazz..<br />
take care

Being around all lovey dopey couples could make you a little jealous to what they have. Its normal, I think, I happened to me all the time. But just because you don't have someone special doesn't mean you aren't special, because you are, and you better believe it and one day there will be a great guy that see how special you are :)