Lonely And LostI am 19 years old, have never had a relationship or anything close to it, and while I always say that I don't need anyone or I am happy being single, it is simply getting harder and harder to be by myself all the time. I have friends, I have a job and know a lot of people, but still I find myself sitting in my room a lot thinking about how lonely I really am.
I think the fact that I got out of bed at 3 in the morning, turned on my computer and typed 'I am lonely' into Google can give a little hint as to how I feel.
I am constantly surrounded by happy couples and while I am glad that those people can find happiness with eachother, I just wish so much that somebody would want to be with me. I have always had issues with myself; confidence issues, insecurities, trust issues, because as a child I was physically abused by my mother's boyfriend without her knowledge for 4 years, and growing up, my sister was very beautiful and slim while I was quite boyish and fat, so she made my life hell, along with all of her friends and all of boykind. I find it very hard to trust people because infidelity has been the cause of pain for my mother, my sisters and my friends all my life. I always see couples break up because of infidelity and it makes me lose faith in....well...love and relationships and people in general. It makes me think that even though I am lonely, nothing can be worth that pain. But then on the other hand, I do see happy couples whose love seems to be able to overcome anything, and then I think "what's a little pain if you can be that happy even just for one day?"
I don't want to feel so alone all the time. I feel like I am drowning, but nobody notices, that I am slowly fading away and nobody cares. I am only 19, I should not feel like this should I? I still have so much time but I just feel like giving up. I just want somebody I can talk to who knows how I feel, and doesn't just say "yeah I know how you feel", when really, they are in love and happy.