I Dont Understand Ppl!

no ones probably going to read this but for some reason it feels good to type it so here's my story (life story till now - ill keep it short)

used to be really popular until like grade 6 then my friendship circle all went down hill. being a tomboy i enjoyed having guys as friends but the girls see it as flirting and start to hate you.

in early high school i was at a school with only 5 girls in my grade (not much choice to make friends with). all of them started growing boobs, liking boys, drinking and smoking (age 15 now). i didn't so i began to be left out. they pretty much just ignored me and didn't talk to me because they were bad *** and i was a "looser".

at this time my mum had depression and used to scream at me every day for stupid things like not doing enough jobs or getting bad grades which made me hate life and feel like dirt. we were poor so i had to wear ugly clothes which made ppl think i was a looser even more.

after a few yrs of sitting alone at lunch time my confidence is shattered and sad as it is i hated myself and hated life. i wouldn't bother talking anymore - why try when it'll just give them another opportunity to hurt you. (that's how i thought)

in grade nine a few of us moved to a public school. started out well and people were actually interested in being my friend which felt good. i fitted into the tomboy group but was pretty shy.

it went downhill again when everyone used to go out drinking and i just wasn't into getting smashed so they wouldn't invite me because they knew i didn't drink. all they talked about was getting smashed or other ppl in the group which i didn't participate in cause i knew how it felt.

i began to be left out again. already had low confidence so if i even sensed someone might not want me around id shrink back into my shell and be silent. by yr 12 i hated myself again.

after yr 12 graduation i moved to brisbane and met these amazing people at church. everyone was so nice to me i didn't understand it. the popular guy in the group liked me (i didn't know it because i wouldn't have dreampt it)

two yrs later all the girls left church except his sister and one got married and moved away. i used to send fb messages every now and then but after like 3 emails that would be it and if i didn't write no one would write to me.

so 3 yrs later im just so tired of feeling so alone. (im still with the guy and we are in love but i still need to have other friendships!) i wonder whether there's something wrong with me (but then why would someone like him love me?) or something i'm doing wrong to make girls forget me or not think of me as worth keeping as a friend.

ive never told anyone exactly how alone or how sad i feel sometimes. my partner knows i get down about it at times but no one knows that i often think about how much I HATE this life; how tiring is, how mean people can be to one another and how id like it all just to be over. im not suicidal at all but i just find life so tiring...

any one else feel like this?? sorry the story was a bit long.
whiterabbitt whiterabbitt
2 Responses Oct 24, 2012

I do not know if anyone else read this, but I did. I am now 63, and single parent of 2 boys, etc. I wear the scars inside and out of life's trials. However, I am here. We as human beings tend to look at the negative, hold on to the pain and forget the good. When life gets to me I tell myself to look for one ray of sunshine (in the dark) and hold onto it. Be it seeing a bird I never saw before, or a surprise call from my grandchildren. That is what I focus on. I have taught myself to look for that ray of sunshine no matter what. Remember the good, when all seems bad, dark and overwhelming. My original saying is " Where are no smiles, make some. If there is no laughter, create some." I believe we have to consciously fight negativity in our minds, hearts and spirits. I tell my friends to smile even when they feel down and out It will start from the outside and work into the inside. Sometimes we are the only ones that can make ourselves feel better. God does not make junk, you are worthful. Love and take care of yourself first. Others will come. Negativity in people also pushes others away. My first name is Lynn. I will keep you in my prayers. God Speed.

Hey. I know this is a really late reply but I just read your story and I wanted you to know that I did.

From what you say I don't think you'd be right to blame yourself! You didn't choose it to happen.

What do you think would happen if you told your partner about how you really feel?