I divorced last year after a 22 year horrible marriage. The first few year alone I was happy in my new found independence. I dated and had a few FWB. Last summer I became involved with in a serious relationship. As it turns out I simply picked my ex-husband in a different form.

I did not wait 22 years to end it this time. However, I am having a difficult time rebounding like I did the last time. I am lonely and depressed. I smile, laugh and continue on as nothing has happened. However, I come home and cry myself to sleep every night.

When I try to discuss with my friends I get the same responses... stop looking... there is someone out there for you... you don't need a man... you can have my man... you have other priorities to worry about. Words spoken so easy by women that have someone to come home to.

But tomorrow I will put on my happy face and perform once again...
skk1966 skk1966
51-55, F
1 Response Aug 17, 2014

Your story sounds similar in some ways to mine. Maybe telling you about it will help you see some ways through the aftermath. w/o typing a bunch of details, which I could lol. I'll focus on the big picture, but some detail is necessary.
I was married for 20 years to a miserable, negative, unhappy woman and stayed married for many wrong reasons, but also some good reasons. I'm generally a positive person who works solutions to life's challenges. She is a person who finds problems in every solution.
I was making good money on active military duty, more than in previous civilian jobs, so I paid down all debt including our mortgage (I paid 30 year mortgage in 9 years)
She gambled away at least $50k in slot machines at casinos while I was deployed and ran up twice than in credit card debt and loans, unbeknownst to me. Her solution to her debt was to drop divorce papers on me when I came home on R and R. (3 years ago now) She'd been married once before and already knew the No Fault divorce laws would mean all assets and all debt were marital and she would be awarded the house, and my savings, and I'd be responsible for her debt.
That should tell you enough about the sense of betrayal and the shock of lack of justice in our legal system. Like you, over the next year, I hooked up with a 3 different FWB I'd known from social circles, 2 of them having dubious character. I realized I did not want or need these types of women in my home, let alone my life.
So the past 2 years I've devoted my time to doing things for ME and my cat (who btw I had to nurse her back to health due to ex wife's neglect, had a severe sinus infection. THAT took a year and $1500 in vet bills and she is worth every dollar :) I will NOT let anyone into our lives of dubious character.
It will take you time to absorb all the events of the 22 years that got you where you are today. Spend introspective time thinking about things and realizing that you did your best and probably had bad and good reasons you stayed married. It sounds like you stuck by a man with a personality disorder. I stuck by a woman with a personality disorder, tho I didnt realize that's what is was until after. You'll identify the mistakes you made over the years that contributed to the path that got you where you are.
It sounds cliche, but you really will become a stronger, wiser person from all the experiences. I have a short poem posted on my white board that is bittersweet but cathartic that you might like. I think it almost daily. The next year or 2 you might have setbacks; physical and emotional. But slowly you will make every day, every week, every month better than the previous.

Thank you for your wise and thoughtful advise.

My ex-husband was diagnosed as a sociopath while we were married. I wanted to leave him at that time, but was advised against it. It was advice I wish I had ignored.

I think my greatest struggle at this moment is forgiving myself and regaining faith within myself. I will take your advice and return to taking daily trips to the lake. I used to meditate by the water for answers and have gotten away from doing that.

I have joined a gym and am finding peace while I am there. So like you said...every day...every week...every month...

Thank you again for taking the time and effort to respond to my posting

You're welcome :) If you want I'll keep in touch and see how you're doing. I'll add you to my circle

I appreciate that!