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Why..do..i..exist

i..find..people..hard..work.....and..mostly..i...have..been..alone....i.do...not..have..the....general.....everyday..people..in..my..life....you..know..family..members..popping..in.....helping..out.....giving..a.toss...whether..i..sleep....eat..or......do..extreme..sports....in..my..living..room.!.



so...i..have..adjusted.....to.....my.....aloneness...i..can..call....upon..my..neighbour.....if..i.feel....like..a..chat.....and..our..chats....over..the...garden..fence.....always..end..up....being..a.three....hour....full.on..get.the..china..cups.....out..etc....its..amazing..how..much....support..and..love....you..can..get..from..that..one..person............


as..my..relationship.....with.the...old..man..is..fading.....well....it..comes....in..fits..and..starts......i..just.....find..am...more..content....than....when...i..have....to..please....another.person.....unaltruistic....as..it..may..sound...i..have..grown..to..be...content..with..just..me.



the..only..thing..i...worry..about...seriously....is..will...i..always......be..this..alone....because.....i..have..put..enough.....in..to..other....people....invested....my..time....but..its..nice...to.be....needed..sometimes.....when..am..70..i..envisage...my..daughter(i..do..have..one,but..thats...another...story)...her..children...and...yes..a...good...solid..secure..loving..man....to..live..the..rest....of....my..golden..years..with....and..thats..it..i.guess...so..longs..there..are....at..least..five....significant..people...around..my..bedside....when..i.die....well.i.can..stand..the..alone.times.....just..need..to..be....connected..and..then....the..peripherals...do..not.....really.....matter.....
psychicprayer psychicprayer 36-40 16 Responses May 1, 2012

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Great post-nice to read-honest and true--about the authors life-alone,yet not alone.

awwwww thankyou for that comment to say i am immensely special .. finding the real me! i am most certainly now loving the real me after a hard seven months this first part of the year :-)))))))))) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hi black cat not really got gout someone i know has though i thought it was an ancient disease... i know what you mean about adapting but i just accept newcastle is this way for me, met some untrustworthy people here so i tend to keep myself to myself xx

swindon is like that for me to x

hi sweetheart,i read your story and it made me sad simply because its sad that you have had to adapt and just accept being lonely,im here if you need to talk sweetheart,stay strong dont give up.

i know what thats like trying to find enthusiasm to speak or write anything .your dad allows you to stay on his land so there is still some semblance of care for you .x

hey toots i do not dislike you at all i was enjoying your posts and and our online convos, its funny how you said "paul" and am assuming you mean that alien thing but my daughters dad name is in real life paul! oh how i laughed! you did not strike me as having any suicidal convictions? i really hope its not the case,because by the time i got to you and saved you from decapitation or at best permanent disability through failed parasuicide then it would be too late and all your talents would be wasted and that would make me sad , but then i would never know. ralph fiennes he makes my heart do the triple jump,but Amon Goeth as my daughters father?

at least you did not say misogynist that would have scared me ! i think the ebola virus is more likely to kill rats though !

they are not exactly chav suited my exes family , he lives in a nice little abode owned by his daddyo and they paid thru the nose (9 grand to be precise) to keep a hold on my little arian child , as someone once called her "hitlers kid" blond hair blue eyes super super clever . but am holding up and the battle continues , incidentally no social service involvement , they basically kidnapped her! and never fear i have a specially designed chav catapault for the pesky kids that dare to enter my dwellings unharmed!

gulp that was a bit strong! you read my other stories then hey ho am not fussed i can cope! really!

poundshop meets byron , well i guess we all have a little of the wonderstuff in us!

my activities ? in terms of what? are you referring to your first question as in "simple love"? i asked you first thats not fair am gonna sulk now! <br />
........5 hours later . okay have stopped sulking lol yeh they do not seem to allow profanity on here although when you say "special needs " i fully relate to that, there are some sex depraved men on this site that seem to want to show of their wedding tackle far too readily for my liking, so not sure why they do not allow the occasional swear word as sometimes it gives more fire to the piece you are writing. used in the right context anyway. one of my recent stories included the word spunky and remove the letter y and thats the word i mean , well for fear of droning on about that subject you sort of get my gist......<br />
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ah i see you mention the landed gentry there is so much chuffin land in this country thats going unused with all the little by laws they invent it makes my **** boil because too much homelessness and substandard housing dominates the foundations of this country and the pomp they spew out when people try to create their own settlements. well its where we all began thousands of years ago coming together for a similiar purpose to co-exist.not really my subject but the hairs on the back of my neck stand up when i read your views about this stuff . so much ardent fervour you display......<br />
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juicy details ?..... "simple love" its not possible unless i want to be classed as a shameless hussey i dunno its an ominous question i guess given my history in that area . i do not need it am currently concentrating on perfecting the art of self -love so as not to be so viciously depleted again of my internal reserves ...... yawn yawn sending myself to sleep ...<br />
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so please write me some more informals now that the inner "byron " in you has been set free mr toots x

hi toots my names babs in real life , you have upset me in no way at all , i was just waiting for the reply you said you wrote, and sorry if you took offence at my implication that you were some type of loony writer, i can have my fantasies right?and i do not think you are any type of loser to be writing here at this forum your tapestry of life sounds rich with experience to me , thats not a loser , to be brave enough to live without the conventions of the stinky hierarchy we live under in this country thats sort of heroic i reckon. and also i guess i have a habit of unearthing dormant qualities in people so please keep on writing i bid you goodnight x

btw whats your real name toots? trivvopops is my pseudonym as i think user name sounds awfully modern and uneducated.i need to change it though as i think it gives the wrong impression of me!

i await earnestly for a reply , i loved the fact you used the word "sodding" its a raw impassioned response and i picture you with reams of paper vehemently tapping on the bones of the typewriter ,with a furrowed brow because you simply must get your point across.which as i say i await earnestly. x

thankyou kind sir for that compliment although i am not one of these people that finds it easy to just let elaborate writing trip of my tongue. they say a bit of the anasthetic stuff helps to loosen the chords but i tend not to drink large quantities these days . Northampton is a lovely place to be i spent many a lost weekend down there when my sister was a teaching student at Nene in the early 90s.<br />
tell me more about your nomadic life, does it feel nomadic? i mean you lived in a house when you were a child? but forty years your prison that does not sound like a peaceful way of living?what made you take to the waterways?<br />
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i admire your ability to have been so self reliant , how do you cope when you just want simple love? if that is not too prying a question?

hello.....toots..in..solitude....no..i..live..in....a..humble..house..in..walker..near..the..riverside.....close..by..to..the..old....shipyards.....i..was..hoping..my.....stories....did...not..portray..sadness.but..thats....a....romantic..vision.....me..in..a.tower..block.....near..angel..of..the..north.....are..you...gonna..come..and....rescue..me..then?lol....i..was...fortunate.....to..acquire...a..house..when....i.came....to..newcastle..eight..years..ago..or..otherwise..i.would..have..ended..up..in.....the..byker..wall.....marginally..more..sadder.....