Life As It Is.-I'm really posting this to get everything off of my chest.-
I've come to realize that I wasn't born to be happy.
I wasn't privileged enough to have a good family, or a great home.
I didn't grow up with a want to become the next best physician, or the greatest astrophysicist.
No, I grew up with a knowledge that what I am is all I would ever be.
I remember explicitly when my mother told me "Stop acting like some great catalyst! Your not going to change anything!"
I think I was probably sixteen. I had just mentioned something about wanted to be the President of the U.S.
Granted, that was during an argument, but I still hear her say that.
My father was never around, with recent knowledge, due to my mother keeping him away.
I was always told "He doesn't love you, that's why he isn't here."
Turns out he tried, and she lied.
I hate that women with more of a passion than anyone should hate a person.
I don't care about my father anymore thanks to her. She ruined a good portion of my life.
I was bullied at school. I remember all the fear and hatred I built up, suicide always an option. I had it all marked out too, wither with my grandfather's glock, or with a rope on the rafters of our barn. Bother seemed pretty easy.
I didn't have anyone to talk to. No one. Not even my brother, whom I now am best friends with.
My friends didn't understand. No one did. No one could. No one can. I know, because I know who I am now.
After years of torment, of loss and agony, I gave up on that life. I started a new one.
I don't take anymore. I give. I give everything I have. Because I know that if I die with nothing, I have succeeded. I don't ask for anything anymore, at least not for myself personally. I hate asking for things.
Well, I asked for one thing, and I didn't get it... Or get her I should say.
I asked that we could be together, if only for a little while, but I don't think we were ever together. I don't think we were meant to be even friends. But I have these feelings for her that I didn't have, not even for the girl I spent two years with, in only two months. She's like that missing piece to my life, the other half to everything. But we can never be, so why waste my time.
I'm going to spend the rest of my life perfecting who I am. Perfecting my physical abilities, my body, and my spirit to such an extent, that one day I too will be able to meditate on beds of spikes.
I will be the best fighter since Bruce Lee himself, able to strike with the force of a hurricane, and able to move at the speed of sound.
I won't do any competitions, or movies, or anything like that. I just want to be the best. Not for claims or titles, but so I know I lived for something.
For I know I will never be with anyone now, and I know that deep down in my bones. Don't tell me there is "someone" out there for me, for there is not.
It's not that she is perfection, but that she is everything I am not. And everything I am, she is not.
It's funny, it actually reminds me of the movie "Adjustment Bureau," with Matt Daemon or however you spell his name.
She's a ballet dancer, and I am a future politician, or was... I'm not sure if that's my path any longer. I doubt it. Politics are riddled with lies. I hate lies.
It's all I've ever been told, lies, cheats, everything else that was theres was not mine.
I'm really posting this to get everything off of my chest... I should probably put that as a warning in the beginning there.
Well, to say the least, we are being pushed and pulled apart, though I don't think she cares. I mean, she tried to hook me up with her coworkers... That's a level of uncaring, right?
All well. I've accepted the fate before me, and will walk it proudly as I always have.
To hell with your ideas of "necessity" and "family."
Some men are simply born to die alone.