Alone Or Afraid?

I don't really know what I want from life, but if I had to say something anything at all. I'd say I want my life to sparkle, I'd want every day to feel like a dream, I'd want things to really turn out like they do in the movies... but I think we all know that that's just a dream, a made up fantasy in my mind. My life will never be this picture I painted. I am alone, and although in movies you see such people like me end up with their 'happy ever after' this won't happen for me. I live in reality, just like everyone else...
I'm one of those people who can be lost in a crowd, be surrounded by a room full of people and feel completely and utterly alone. I have conversations with others and it feels like were not even really talking. Why is it that I must act like some robot self I invented? Why is it that I can't confide in people? Am I the only one like this...no ... I can't be, after all there is a world full of people out there.
But if so many people feel the way I do, understand my feelings, why is it that I can't find them? why is it that we can't confide in each other, use each other to feel like we have a place to belong, to feel like we are no longer alone. Maybe it's this robot invention that keeps us from finding each other, keeps us alone and keeps us having a secret me.
Maybe it's from being stabbed in the back or let down one to many times that keeps us from trusting, but is it really so much easier to go on pretending all the time, go on keeping up your guard just so you don't have to feel pain... yet without seeing it doing all this causing another pain all in itself, doing this makes us 'alone' and is feeling this pain really worth not feeling others.
I'm not sure if at this point my train of thought really makes any scene, but all I know that somewhere lost between all these words is how I really feel and who I really am, the real me, the secret me.
MySilentUndoing MySilentUndoing
18-21, F
6 Responses Jul 12, 2010

I couldnt agree more with what you said. I want to break the chains in my life and become free...but you're also right when you said life isnt a fairytale. Sometimes...I wished I still believed in fairytales and pretend everything is ok.<br />
Dont worry. You understand so much about the world, yet are young. One of these days, you will find someone you ca confide in. Im sure. Wish you luck in everything!

well life is very beautiful everything seems great and then the bottom falls out. it may be a girl friend betraying u or a male friend.maybe its that people have a way of hurting people. i think the problem is always going to be money u have money and everything seems great u have friends as soon as the money is gone theres no more friends. life vis full of so many surprises maybe on day u will meet someone that will put up with u and vice versa. life is to short and try to find friends that a good people and stay away from drugs and booze and you cant trust everyone and life is not like the movies they got married and lived happily ever after come on give me a break .evryone is just after a young girl and u know what it is so good luck on your journey

What you discribed is seen not heard or visa versa, I think its a cruel existance, not becauise of you but with todays people and society, people become polarized and sefl centered, not everyone but few. There are peope like me who take interest in meeting new friends and talking and sharring backgrounds with to start with, In every post that is made there is a living being that has a spirit and shold be eckloegged as such

I really agree with everything you said.<br />
<br />
It's hard to live both ways: opening yourself up gets you hurt, but closing yourself down hurts you too.<br />
<br />
I hope one day to find a balance.

You are a good writer. I wish I could express myself that clearly. And you're right, living life trying to avoid being let down and rejected isolates you and causes pain itself..it's not worth it. It's easier said than done. I'm still trying to find my path, too.

Well written..yes I agree with everything you have said.