Answers Solutions And Reasons

There is no place to go, but here.  And no place I would rather not be.  The O-S song "Lonely Ghosts" is in my mind and I have a new understanding of it.  I don't know where to go, but I need to be away - to be different, to be anything but where who and how I am.

Every time it is the same.  "I love you and I always will, you are all I could ever ask for but..."
When we put our hand if a fire, we don't keep putting our hand in fires.  When we are bitten by a dog, we don't keep trying to pet it.  I feel a fool for letting myself fall in love again, when it keeps ending the same way.  But would I be a bigger fool to ignore it when it happens?
What is the greater crime of life?  To be cold and refuse to feel, or to be gullible and hurt again?

My girl-friends keep telling me not to change.  That if only they weren't - married, seeing someone, etc they would love to date me, because I never lie - even when the dress makes her thighs look big;  I never cheat - because I can't balance all that a relationship is worth against something so trivial and find it worth the cost; I never make a promise that I can't keep - nor one I will not do all in my power to keep once it is made; And I never hide how I feel, if I am not in love - I say so, if I am - I say it and show it.  These things they say make me somehow "better" than others, but I just see it as the only way To be.

But they are all missing the point.  I'm not asking for sympathy, or a date, or reasons to think I'm special.  I'm asking for an answer.  Why is there always that "but..." waiting for me?  Why is it always something I can do nothing about?
I'm not a fool.  I know the difference between being freinds, lovers, in a relationship, and in love.  I never Look for love, and it doesn't happen often.  Every time it is something we Both feel, and I am always the same man at the end as I was when it began.  So why is there always a "but..." waiting to tear it all apart?  "But I need to be on my own for a while..."  "But I need to try / be / go / something..."  There is always a reason.

Am I lonely?  Yes.  But I'm not looking for a solution, only an answer.
RunningNowhere RunningNowhere
36-40, M
2 Responses Jul 17, 2010

I tell myself that every day. That is why I wish I could understand why the people in my life are so willing to commit to something that they will not stay for. Do they really not realize the "but.." is there when it begins? Or do they just want to enjoy it while it lasts - with no concern for what it will mean when they go?

.... there are no "buts" in true love.