I Can't Believe This, But Still I'm Lonely

Hi guys, I can't belive I'm typing this but still. I'm 18 years old, and I feel so lonely. My life for the past couple of years have been terrible. Starting when I was 15 years old. I had lots of friends, but then at the end. I had nobody to even trust. Not only that, but it's because I couldn't have a relationship with anyone because I couldn't leave the house. So isolated myself slowly, as I still had friends but I really started withdrawing from them. I was thinking "it's pointless when you can't hang out with someone outside of school right?" so why try?

The next school year. I changed schools, and headed to a school that was about a half an hour away. I decided I would try to to make friends with them, and then I could hang out with them outside of school parental allowance arrived. Parental allowance did come throught. But the school was filled with different people than the ones I hung out with at my old school. I really didn't like many of them except a few. I hated this school with a passion. Everyone was just seemed like a ***** to me and I couldn't stand it. So there I kept to myself. The last two years of my high school life have been hell. Even Senior year, I felt like I could make a connection to my classmates. i couldn't, they were just too different and inmature to me. I wanted to be their friends but I just couldn't see it. Then at the same time, with me not having people people in my circle, with only my Ex-Girlfriend who left to another place at a distance, I've developed like a phobia of talking to people. I was fine before, but with me being so lonely, being low in confidence, and feeling I had no one to talk to. I just couldn't talk to anyone anymore. I saw my classmates relationship with each other and how close they were, and I just hated it. Really hated it because I wanted something like that, where we could talk about whatever. But I felt I had nothing to offer to them.

I've cried over this, and I've prayed many of times for God to give me a group of friends. It hasn't happend for the years I've tried. So difficult to live life when you can't get any attention. Even do some crazy things, or outrageous things just to get it. It has worked in the short term but never in the long run. I'm 19 years old now, but will happen in the future, if I'm this socially inept, how am I going to gain any relationships from peers?

Now, this current situation where it's summer, it's made me go back through the phases of suicide that I had when I was younger. I'm sitting in the house pretty much all alone. I've had arguements with my parents, and I've told my mother so many times that I'm so damn lonely and she's the source of my ineptness for not allowing me to have any relationships and not trusting people. She seems that she can't understand that at all. I've been pretty much isolated from people for years and I don't know how to make friends.

Though I say this, my family is actually okay, but at the same time I can't stand them anymore. Like I said before, especially my parents, who just destroyed my childhood with them being so freaking strict. Granted I did some stupid crap, but I wanted some experiences. I needed to freaking live. I'm now just absolutely fed up with them, and I just want to physically change myself to try to destroy the image of them on my face.

With me going to a smaller community college now, where I'm only getting schooling for several hours and not going to a university. It just seems to me I'll end up being alone for another period of time, or maybe forever unless I find someone to is very outgoing.

This pain really hurts.
Datboi08 Datboi08
2 Responses Jul 18, 2010

DO NOT depend on the belief of God, believe me, been there, done that,<br />
though, it might make u feel less alone.<br />
i have /had a similar issue, i don't interact well with people and i'm mostly indoors. I feel/felt suicidal tendencies when I have/had breakdowns, my parents were strict and my school life, i was the outsider...<br />
A way to help u could be using the internet to make friends or just socialising online to make u feel more outgoin (there's a lot of weird and messed ppl out there) but it could help u loosen up :)<br />
and think of this.... even the most social/popular people can secretly fee really lonely and depend on all their masses of friends

God will not give you a group of friends he may point you in the right direction then you will have to be the one who makes it happen. Taking your own life is something you should not even think about. You shared your story on ep and that's a good start.