5 And A Half Years And Now Im Completely Lost..

So i dont know how to start this but i guess ill just dive right in... brace yourself its quite long but its all important to understand my story..

BEGINNING
We were together since high school, i was a senior and she was a junior. I was known to date around but I didnt find anyone substantial until i found her. I waited to find someone like her, someone that i thought was important enough to let in to my life. And there she was and the funny thing is that i didnt even really noticed her at all. In fact i wanted to date one of her friends. Ironically, i was trying to match her with one of my mates. Naturally, we had an evening planned out where both of our friends would go out together as a group and just let our teenage hormones fly. But just like in life, nothing really turns out the way you plan it to be. Curfews and other high school restrictions led to the group to dwindle down to just myself, her and both of our friends respectively. My friend was the driver and her friend who happen to be madly in love with him was in the passenger seat. Just my luck, we were in the backseat and we had no idea that the next two hours would ultimately decide the next 5 plus years of our young lives. i don't even remember the conversations or where we were going but i knew that i enjoyed her company. If you ask me there if i thought i could envision myself being with her at time and more importantly to be committed for x number of years, i would've thought you were crazy for asking. All i really remember distinctively from that night was that she leaned over to me and i put my arms around her and i thought to myself that this was nice. Nice was understatement now, but at the time i didnt have enough experiences to know that sometimes the simplest connections such as a hug or hand holding could be so rewardable and gratifying. Nothing sexual or rated pg 13 happened that night, but i did established a new crush. Several weeks and hallway hellos went by but no progress. Im not the type to pursue girls even though for some reason people perceive me to be that type of person. Im overly social when im with my close friends but compeletly opposite when it comes to meeting people. I hate to admit it but i am naturally shy. Maybe its because im only child or maybe that i am satisfied with the friends that i currently have. The last part is important to remember as you keep reading story. I happened to stay home on this particular saturday night to prepare myself for an important soccer game the next morning. I usually check my email before i go to sleep and subsequently my computer automatically logs me to msn. As i check my email, i received a message from her. At the time, this absolutely made my night. So acting as nonchalantly as possible online, i converse with her. She went home from a house party that was ended abruptly by the law, nothing out of the ordinary here. But the next two minutes were something that came out of penthouse forum. She asked me to accompany her to her home. Her mum was out of town and she rented a french horror flick that was surprisingly scary. Any hot blooded 17 year old would feel customarily obligated to go. I was no different, i quickly took a shower, put on the nicest jeans and shirts that i had, sprayed my go to cologne and snuck out of my house to cab to hers all in manner of 20 minutes. Quite impressive i know but for some reason i knew something good would come out of this. I just didnt know what exactly. My cab arrived to her house at approx 1am and there she was, watching a movie, all curled up and scared. It hurts me to think about her this way, not because i miss her which i do but because we were so innocent back then. I would give my life back to be there again. I really would. She invited me in and we talked about our usual high school politics and drama. But something transpired. She turned the lights off and put on her mellow music of rufus wainwright, simon and garfunkle, oasis and coldplay which i would later find out tho be as described by her as make out music. Again i have never met someone at such a young age to believe in things such ambience and mood. These are the many things i love about her. She took my hand and we cuddled in the couch. She made the first move and we were both shocked. I guess we were both entering a new territory here and everything was unfamiliar, unique but amazing. We spent the entire night kissing passionately and babbling about our likes and dislikes until i had to sneak back home so i can prepare for an important soccer match. I didnt want to leave but i knew this wasnt a one night thing. It was something special. In restrospect, i scored two goals that game but i think the most important thing i did that day was that i finally met her. Someone who i thought was so special that i could let in my life. To allow someone to know me conclusively and absolutely. In my opinion, that was worth pursuing. I asked her out the next school day, became prom king and queen and more importantly stayed together till last year.

MIDDLE
Our parents were not traditional in any sense. We were allowed to have sleep overs at both of her house during high school so we quickly became close. I was close with her mum and she was close with my parents. If this was any period of time, we wouldve been married by now with kids. I know that much. I was out of high school and i didnt want to go to school aboard or even in the country. So i decided that i wanted to work. I just wanted to stay with her. But at work, i fell in love with a coworker. I started to hang out with this coworker and our work friends. We all grew close in the workplace and i started to part ways with (well i went this far by not saying her name so ill call her) Rosa. i cheated on Rosa with this coworker but i never did told her the truth even to this day but for some reason i think Rosa always knew. Another thing i loved about her, Rosa looked at the big picture and not the superficial commercial common affairs. I swear she had an old soul. It took 6 months of cheating until i finally felt the guilt. The coworker at the time was in the same position as well and felt worse about what she doing to her bf. They are not together anymore even though they knew each other since they were 5. Maybe it wasnt lust but we ended it. We were just sick of the secrecy, lies and paranoia. Additionally we saw the toll of what we did to our respective partners. I didnt see it at the time but it was good that we ended and shifted our focus to our significant others. I still miss that coworker to this day as well. I was drifting away from Rosa. I was depressed, i turned to ecstasy which i experimented with my coworkers to battle with the depression. What a horrible idea in hindsight, but what can you do i was young. I just didnt understand or comprehend why i was cheating on this naturally beautiful person which had no glaring faults. And when i say beautiful trust me she is. im not saying this because i think so, but others would honestly die to be with her. She grew beautifully after high school and she took my breath away even to this day. And with her amazing personality and her sense of compassion and the ability to connect to others, in my opinion i found someone worth keeping. After the cheating, i tried my best to make it up to her. I turned on romantics and wooed her as much as i can. Its probably the thing that i regret the most. That i did all this sweet sentimental things out of guilt. But now i realize that it wasnt just that, i finally realized that i didnt want to lose her. Selfish me.

END
I worked for a consulting company and she went to school full time. We basically lived together at her mums house. The three of us all living in harmony. I know again quite impressive. Ive grown close with her mother and to me she was my second mum. It was just that kind of relationship. I advanced as much as i can with the consulting company. As the youngest employee with limited post secondary education, i was felt somewhat restrained with my current prospective career. I decided ultimately to pursue a bachelors at a prestigious school that are known to have an unrealistic expectations on students yet the recognition was well received in the given industry. She wanted to travel, i was planning to go to school full time. We didnt want to move in together because we had both of our finance primarily focused on our goals. We both decided to stay together until she left to go back packing with her bestfriend. We couldve ended it earlier but i couldnt let go. I love her for she was, is and for the person who she will ultimately be.  It was a hard break up but it i felt somewhat at ease to know that i was suffering. In my eyes. to suffer immense pain is to understand that the love was real. The bigger they are the harder they fall. This was true in this situation. We talked all the time when she was away. I missed her and she missed me. I thought about it a greal deal and i just thought that i couldnt rob her out of her life. Even though i could marry her, i didnt want to be an obligation, or an obstacle. I wanted to her to pick me because it was necessary for her. She came back and  she chose to be single. I pretended that was it ok. We utlimately decided to be friends but after a year of sexual tension and never really getting to the friend stage i decided to completely block her off.  She also changed too, was into drugs and binge drinking, She lost the focus that she had with me and started to party more. And that she found a bf in the midst of all this chaos. She found someone else. This hurts and i guess i deserved it compelely for cheating on her and now i understand what karma is all about. It still doesnt change the fact that it hurts. I deleted her on facebook and on my phone along with all of her associations. We have not communicated or contacted each other in a month. I am increasingly growing lonelier by the minute.


So thats my story, i left many aching and nostalgic memories out of the story for the sake of keeping it short. Hopefully i captured the whole relationship dynamic. I am happy for her and i want her to have life but at the same time, i am having a hard time keeping myself together. I still battle with depression from time to time. i left all of my friends for her because i am that kind of guy. And now im slowly building my friend base. So pathetic but i am trying to keep it positive. I really do love her and when i love someone, i love them forever. As passionate and devoted forever. I cant let go but i want to and i just need to get myself out there but i really cant. Its like i build this wall and she found an exit and im still trying to find a way out. ive been extremely honest and real about this to a point where im utterly vulnerable if any of my real friends saw this or even her. But i feel good and somewhat theurepatic. To me this a form of remedy. Hopefully i heal soon.

Thank you for your time.

Nostalgia25 Nostalgia25
22-25, M
4 Responses Jul 19, 2010

''to suffer immense pain is to understand that the love was real'' its exactly how I feel too,<br />
I've broken up with someone too and still today, nearly 2 years after it being over and with someone else too, that hurt from the past never goes away or fades (though my feelings for my ex are gone and i love someone else)<br />
you're not gonna forget your first real love and u might still think about it 20 years later,<br />
you're gonna have to find happiness or just be happy alone and with yourself. U not wanting to let her go might've been u not wanting to let of a big part of you, so now u might be feelin empty.<br />
<br />
I'm always the person to say its not too late even though everythin around u says it is...<br />
u blockin her from ur life might be stopping that little chance of u and her to find love again or even friendship...<br />
otherwise...somethin i cannot stand... : people have to move on and persevere no matter how difficult it is....<br />
don't be lonely, i've felt like that. and if u say its been a month...what happened to me was.:<br />
i moped around for 2 months, feelin the lowest of my life and feelin also used along the way...suddenly i met someone who made me feel loved again..it felt like a long 2 months or so but now I wish i never spent time feelin unhappy and had held on to hope instead. .<br />
something great can happen to u anytime soon, including meetin a new girl...once u are depressed, it will start to consume u...i've been depressed for years and now i've noticed i can change and it will take a while, u should really focus on yourself without that feeling of depending on someone else making u feel happy (if thats the case) <br />
a lot of us are wanting to find someone or are waiting...you aren't alone :)

It will take time for you to heal.It's seemed like it was time for you to let her go and move on in life.It is hard when you love someone who does not have the same feelings as you.Someday you may met someone you can share those feelings with.

yeah it feels nice to get it out... i hope you are alright.

i understand completely. thank you for sharing ur story it hit me hard.