Today Is Like Many

I often find myself contemplating the great questions in life, then I realize I have to snap out of it and finish some chore or project. All these thoughts eventually lead me to one conclusion, I'm looking for love. I've never actually been in love. I thought I was once but it was just a mutual likeness between two lonely people. This was my only relationship. Sure, I've had crushes but they never led to anything but a few tears and some laughs with friends. Nothing serious in my personal life, just longing and laughs. It almost seems as though love will never shine its rays upon my body. The sad thing is I think I could be an excellent companion, lover, friend, etc. but no man can see what I'm capable of providing. Would I prefer to have one night stands with random guys? I've never tried it so I can only assume the thrill would fulfill me only physically, and perhaps not even that. I want to experience what I've heard others talk about and seen in movies and in books. Obviously, without too much drama. I mean if I decide to jack-knife from man to man I don't want to pick up some STI or something. I can't see myself doing anything that erratic. I'm too self-conscious and too fearful of the potential health consequences that can and would most likely occur. So where the hell am I? Living on a planet with 6 billion people and I feel out of place and out of sorts. Knowing I'm not the only person feeling this way doesn't make me feel any better. After all, I'm the only one that can myself feel better. If I choose to be lonely, its because I want to be. But being lonely is more than a feeling and it can drive you to places you never knew existed. You see I'm a dreamer, and imagineer if you will. I come up with the ideas but I have no idea how to execute them. Case in point, I meet a nice guy, we get along well, he's got some baggage, but then so do I, we share common interests, we become friends, now I want to be more then friends BANG! In pops my imagination. I can see us together and moving in. We have a lot of laughs, lots of sex, and are genuinely happy together. BANG! Reality check, does he appear to even like beyond friendship? I have one life to live. I am an atheist and I believe that my life is precious. I'm selfish like that. I also believe that fear is the worst emotion one can have, however, it saves us from the unknown outcomes. I could ask him if he wants to go out, like on a date. But perhaps I'd really relish the idea of him asking me out. Paying for things is not my problem (ok it would be nice not to pay but I'd probably feel bad and commit some sinful act according to some religious dogma). Being the one to put myself out there is. I'm lonely because I choose to be. When I want people around I find them or I remain alone and focus my attention on reading or watching a movie. I'm used to being independent and not waiting for someone to come along, yet it seems I've been doing that. I can choose to be with someone just not the person I'm thinking of right now. How often have you talked yourself out of a possible love interest? Yet somehow there's still an overwhelming feeling that this is the only person for you. Fear is the problem. Fear makes you lonely. Fear keeps you from experiencing pain. Fear causes doubt. Fear IS the f-word.
earthican earthican
5 Responses Jul 23, 2010

don't over think it. you usually find someone when you're not looking anyways. it'll happen. <br />
and there's nothing wrong with your views. it sounds like you're a cerebral person, which is great, but that's where worry and fear lie, too. just take it easy, you have plenty of time.

I like your word imagineer, I fancy I might be one of those too in my more spirited, positive moments. The way you write, which I love, reminds me of a vine growing across the forest floor looking for a solid hardwood on which to fix herself. Your limbs grow out in many directions exploring all kinds of possibilities at once but your stem cannot support its own weight. You want to rise into the sky and see the sunlight but you can't do it alone. Maybe it will be like this with you in love also. Maybe you need a hardwood, someone who is stable and lets you rise and lets you explore all those future possibilities - someone sure enough of themselves to make the first move. You must know you are a beautiful, unique and complex intelligence. I can understand the frustration of searching around on the forest floor for too long... and I can hear you crying out for someone to perceive you and take hold of you, unlocking the fullness of your majesty. I suspect and hope your loneliness will not last forever, but I say, be patient. Keep following your instincts because they are good.

Living in the moment is something that I'm learning to do. I can't try to wipe 32 years of loneliness in just a few months. There are good days and bad days, and so so days, and days you question your own sanity. I try to live life one second at a time. Maybe this second sucks, and the next and the next. But may be 38 seconds from now might not be as bad, and those are the moments I live for. I appologize if you take offense to anything I've said. You are right; dream, dream big, dream happy, dream always. It's the hope that drives us to continue, to strive, to live.<br />
<br />
Please see in yourself all the good that you do, all the good that you are. You are a good writer, clear and articulate, continue to do more writing if it is something you are great at.<br />
<br />
Sincerily,<br />
Messed up guy

Wow, that's a nice thing to say to someone. I live to experience new things and love is just something I have yet to experience. It makes me question a lot about the person I am. Not necessarily that there's something wrong with me, but if it's not me, then it must be the people around me. I view the world differently and thus it makes me feel lonely to know that I have this ability that others lack. I have never regretted a thing in my life and I'm not worried about the future, I'm just looking forward to possible opportunities. You think my views are messed up? Fine, perhaps I could say the same about yours. But since when did being enthusiastically curious about future prospects become taboo? And if your so caught up in living in the moment then ask yourself why are you on a forum called "I am lonely?" Shouldn't you be living it up?

I'm not going to say that you're messed up, but some of your views sure are. Live in the moment. Clear your mind of the future worries and the past regrets and just BE. ENJOY. LAUGH. DREAM. SCREAM. CRY. Whatever makes you, you, do it! No one of us can tell the future, and none of us can change the past. What this moment can become is tha only thing we can affect, so make it a good one.