I Moved Across Country To Be With My Boyfriend And I Am Very Lonely

I just moved from Ga to Tx to be with my boyfriend.  We have tried this move before it turned out very badly.  We broke up for a couple of months and I went back home with my tail in between my legs.  I was 29 then.  It was pretty mortifying to return to Ga to live with my Mom because I had no job.  Since then I attempted suicide.  I have gotten a lot better though and against the judgment and advice of people around me who love me, I continued to see him.  We dated long distance for a while and would often meet between Ga and Texas for a weekend here and there.  He has hurt me a lot in the past and wasn't that great of a guy.  But in his defense I can be a pain to live.  So anyhow he has wanted me to move out here for a long time.  He thought we should give it one more shot and see if it can be done.  He says he sees where he messed up before and wants to prove to me that he is going to treat me right and love me the way I deserve to be loved.  Well, he has kept his word on those promises and for a few months now he has been amazing!  So I agreed on the move.  I just got here 3 days ago.  The excitement of the whole move here has worn off though and now reality is hitting me very hard.  I cant stand to be alone.  I am going from living with my Mom to always having someone I love and trust be around. My Mom and I are very close.  She is my best friend and she gets me.  We did everything together.  We loved the same hobbies, movies, etc.  My boyfriend often told me that I was married to my Mom.  Perhaps he is right...and I know its not normal. I know at 30, the highlight of your day shouldn't be watching Grays Anatomy with your mother.  Ive never been good at making friends.  I am over weight and started to become a mild recluse.  I enjoyed spending time with her and working and going to church.  That was my life.  Sure I had a few friends but no one I felt comfortable with to go out and do stuff with. 

So, I have gone from a happy life with my Mom (which yes I know that is not normal) to a unsure life with my boyfriend.  He is being impatient though and doesn't understand what I could possibly be grieving for.  He thinks I am being dramatic and that hurts.  I wish he would acknowledge my pain and help me.  He says he is trying his best.  He and I don't really have a lot in common.  Honestly I am not sure if I want to spend the rest of my life with him.  IO do love him very very much.  And he makes me laugh like no one else can.  But we don't have much in common.  I am pro animal rights.  He thinks that's me being dramatic again.  The shows I like he thinks are ridiculous. The music and movies I like he makes fun of, etc.  He is a big guy so the most we have in common is food.  we love to eat.  I am so scared I have made a mistake.  The thing is I cant go back.  I just cant.  I have nothing but my mom there.  My life there was stagnating and I was growing more humiliated by the day.  I miss my Mom so very much and I love her a lot and I wish my boyfriend was more like her.  I know I need to accept him for who he is. I know I made this decision.  I just feel very alone right now.  He is willing to help me pay off my mountain high pile of debt, pay for my online schooling I need etc.  He takes care of anything I need.  He is very good to me.  But he shows his love to me differently through making sure I have things I need..  He is affectionate but not as much as I would like.  If I approach him about this, he gets angry and says that I am not letting him be him.  We still butt heads on a lot of things. He is very intimidating and almost always wins every fight even though he would tell you the opposite.  Seems my complaints about him are the same complaints he has about me.  I know you must  be thinking, "well he is obviously not the right one for you"  And I have thought the same.  But....why do I ache for him when I am not around him. He has the ability to make me feel so wonderful.  The problem is he only uses that capability at selected times. 

I need to try and make this work...but I cant help but feel so angry towards him.   He thinks this is my way of closing up because I don't want to get too close. I am not seeing that as correct though.  I just feel very resentful. I have prayed and prayed and prayed for me to just be happy.  Ive got it made here.  I don't even have to get a job if I really don't want too. He makes excellent money.  He provides for all my needs( except the close daily connection I yearn for).  I so badly want to be able to let all of this go and just be happy and be thankful.  But my heart is so sad right now.  I am depending on him way too much.  I have nothing else here except my cats and his dog that I love very much.  I am scared to get out there and make new friends.  It just seems like it is no use.  I feel like anyone who would want to be my friend must have some serious issues.  I just want to cry right now.  I need to know how to make this work.  I need to find some loop hole that will allow me to just be happy...to be able to let go of the anger I have.  Be it here or in Ga, I am a overall unhappy person.  I suffer from depression and like I said, I am overweight.  I know my weight is probably the culprit of most of these feelings.  But I know going back home wont take the unhappiness away,  I want to be happy. I want to feel emotionally safe and secure.  And right now I don't feel much of that at all.
whispernova whispernova
26-30, F
2 Responses Jul 25, 2010

a part of your problems, are few self-esteem, that's why you are with an *******, you are going to fail and you can't blame no one but yourself, so, once everything results in disaster, don't blame anyone, don't try to commit suicide, keep living, search for someone who is worth the pain, and don't do things before be sure of what you are doing

You need to focus your energy. A lot your issues may be wrapped up in your weight. Find something to do that is also healthy. Maybe walking. Are there parks nearby? If you can start, and see progress, you'll find encouragement. It's not easy and takes time but being healthy in body can bring your mental health.