Just Trying To Breath...What is it about getting older that makes us think we are less desirable, less likely to be able to sustain a long and healthy relationship?
I don't know, but I am right there with you.
I struggle every day to think that maybe, just maybe, I will find someone that looks at me instead of through me. I want to love, and be loved. I want to desire, and be desired. I want someone to laugh with, cry with, FEEL with. I want to feel safe in his arms, and know he is safe in mine. The older I get, the more worried I am that the time has passed me by. Most men my age are married with families, and although I know there are some out there who are not, they don't seem to be finding me, and I don't seem to be finding them. Somedays the pain of the loneliness is so bad that I feel like I cannot breath.
And, of course, then there is fear. The fear of meeting someone knew, of sharing your past history with them, and of wondering if they are like the person in the past who left you for someone else. I wonder if I will ever be able to completely open myself up again. Is it better to hold back? Or is it better to trust and open up? I don't know. I do know I have only allowed myself to do that once. And I don't know that I can do it again.
Sure, I have my children. But two are grown, and the youngest is going into HS. So I am not alone. But I am lonely. Very lonely. I have been that way for about three years now, and I want to ask God, why me? What is it about me that makes men want to walk away? Am I too needy? Am I too independent? I don't argue, and know how to state an opinion with respect to another. I realize people are not always going to get along. I know that each person needs to have their own friends and interests.
I don't know.
I know having a relationship shouldn't be a necessity, but that is very easy to say when you're not in one. When you have no one, it seems like the most important thing in the world.
LolaL 41-45, F 4 Responses 3 Jul 27, 2010