Sunday In The Park

Had a visit from my sister and her 2 kids this weekend. Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly, but, it really hurts sometimes. Like this weekend, on the Sunday, we all went to the park. It was crowded. And I was well aware I was the only person there of my age (mid-30's) who wasn't a parent. Hearing so many calls of "daddy! daddy!" ... and I know, deep down, there is that feeling that I'll never know what it's like to be "daddy!". Not because I can't have children. But because nobody wants to have them with me. And yeah, I saw guys there that were better looking than me. And guys that weren't. Guys who, even though it was a Sunday, you could tell they didn't have a job. Guys more interesting in their beer than in their children. It doesn't seem to matter. I know, any .. every .. woman there would choose to be with anyone else. Other than me. I can't even meet single mothers. They just look at me as if I'm something scary. I can't start a conversation about parenting or my children, because I don't have any. And pretending that I do, that my nephews are mine, doesn't wash, believe me. But I just watched. That's all I can do. I don't fit in. All I'm good for is to carry everything. Be a pack-animal.

Don't belong. I'm 34 years old, and nobody has ever heard my heartbeat (except the doctor, but that detracts from the intention of that sentence).
Cursedboy Cursedboy
36-40, M
13 Responses Aug 9, 2010

everyone needs help with something at some point in their life. there is no shame in asking for help. or at least, there shouldn't be. but some people sure make it feel like it is shameful to need and ask for help. 11 years ago i tried to take my own life. because i was lonely, and because i was trying to fix it on my own. get through it by ignoring it, and focusing on everything else. but it wasn't working, and when i really needed someone .... nobody was there. really, the only thing that probably stopped me from fully going through with it was that i knew that i hadn't asked for help. so I did. and i was told that everything would be OK ....<br />
<br />
11 years on, and things are just as bad. i get told to enjoy being alone. to do it on my own. all the things that lead me to that dark place! not everyone can heal by having the same badage slapped on them and told to keep their chin up. or the popular saying here in australia, is to 'man up'. everyone needs some affection in their life. some encouragment, and support, from someone else. another human. someone that's their peer. and yeah, to have the chance to experience some emotional affection, and physical affection too. <br />
<br />
i've heard so many times people say the line, "no man is an island". well. no. no man is. so why should i be forced to be?

bonitasasha: You said, "like you don't care how you get it, as long as you get it". So. Like everyone does then. Because that's how most people seem to think. Win at any and all costs, no matter who you hurt. I've been told it plently of times, buy guys who are successful, by girls, that it's all just a game, and if you want to win, you have to do it at any cost. <br />
<br />
Personally, I don't believe that I am like that.<br />
<br />
And the whole 'love yourself first' is a load of crap. If everyone loved themselves, then there would be no need for anyone to have ANY type of relationship. We go into relationships looking for that love that we can't provide ourselves. That support and encouragment that isn't there when your alone. And anyway, id I didn't "love myself", then I wouldn't be asking for help, and I wouldn't be still trying ...

Dude<br />
One more thing,<br />
these people who advise<br />
i think they are BS<br />
they just want to impress themself by giving good advice.<br />
They dont have any genuine interest in you dude.<br />
<br />
Dude,<br />
No comment on what you lack<br />
And no advice from me<br />
whatever it is you will learn<br />
how it will end ? dont know<br />
<br />
I dont know whether i presented my story properly in my previous comment<br />
My child hood was so screwed up, lonely, no father, no mother<br />
I never had a chance to have things i liked <br />
school,university, girls<br />
sucks dude<br />
<br />
If I grew in the USA like this<br />
I think I would have turned into a psycho (No offense dude, that is what the media fed us in India)<br />
<br />
Atleast I have some occupation,<br />
Dude do you have a job?<br />
Do you dont worry for money?<br />
Thats good Dude, you dont have much worries.<br />
<br />
Dude I am also like other Bullshitters<br />
tempted to give you advice<br />
but i strongly resist<br />
<br />
Somewhere some brainless fellow wrote<br />
"Happiness is a choice"<br />
I dont know whether it is true or not dude<br />
"You can chose to be happy"<br />
F___K you man<br />
that is self deception<br />
<br />
but still dude<br />
we need not be happy<br />
but we need be sad<br />
<br />
right dude?

Dude,<br />
This is the truth of life. I have more to say on this issue.<br />
I am male 33 I am an East Indian immigrated to Canada.<br />
My father dead when I was 7 then on I used stay almost everynight in a different place.<br />
I loved school, the competition, the girls, the sports, the gossip<br />
I never went to school properly and some how I finished my secondary (10th grade)<br />
all this time I was bought by a poor aunt and I was living as a household help.<br />
<br />
My cousin was doing is Engineering in the University ( 2 years older)<br />
I wanted to go to univeristy. I had good marks (better than my cousin)<br />
But i had no sponsorer for high school. even now some times i feel that I missed high school<br />
instead i went to a Technical School (3 yr diploma)<br />
<br />
After that I got a job and went on my own. <br />
Dude even as a technician I had the best job at 17 years.<br />
<br />
I have no family, in India it is difficult to get married without family<br />
and without marriage it is difficult to f*@%k around<br />
<br />
I have been asking my relatives since I was 24 (in india they get married early)<br />
no chance<br />
I also tried my luck with girls<br />
I couldnt<br />
<br />
Dude now I am 33<br />
I quit my job 6 years ago and started my own company<br />
I am planning to dedicate myself to my vision<br />
<br />
Dude,<br />
you talked about the cliche<br />
I dont think it is true<br />
It is like the Lotto<br />
Chances are one in a million<br />
I still buy lottery every week.<br />
I feel that I have more chances of winning the lottery than getting a girl.<br />
<br />
Dude,<br />
Just let it go,<br />
This life is no big deal,<br />
There is nothing like "meaning of life" or "purpose of life"<br />
The truth is life really "sucks"<br />
<br />
Dude,<br />
After some time this is what I plan,<br />
I am going to see hookers in my area (right now I am saving some money)<br />
They promise a GFE experience<br />
It is just a part of life and not the whole ******* life<br />
<br />
Dude <br />
Just let it go,<br />
Do some work,<br />
Indulge, Enjoy ,Pass some time<br />
Cheers,<br />
Siva

Mr.Cursedboy, a person who talks about himself in such a touching manner can never be a monster. Maybe you are not that confident, but you are not too old to have children. My father was 40, when I was born as his first son. You just hope for the best, someone special is somewhere waiting for you. You just haven't met her yet, thats all. You have enough time. Best of luck! I do hear your heartbeat...

My husband was a virgin until he met me at age 30. He felt much like you do now. Join match.com<br />
I know you will meet someone. That's how we met and we are now together 10 years. Have faith my friend. Message me anytime you want to talk. Take care<br />
<br />
HM

I can definitely feel you on this one. I am a 41 year old single man who has no children and it pains me to hear kids call out for their "daddies" or "mommies" and knowning that they are not calling me. I am a decent looking guy with a big heart who would love the oppurtunity but alas, I fear it will never happen. It doesn't help that many people I know are always saying I'm getting "too old" to have children (I live in Southeastern GA, USA). I just wish I could find someone I can love to be with, wants to be with me, and have children that would be raised with love, family, and support.

your really not that old, it isn't time to give up on a life time partner yet. I didn't meet my partner until i was 38. I had been single for 7 years and thought i was never gonna meet someone. But eventually he turned up out of the blue when i wasn't expecting it. Something like this will probably happen to you also. I think you need to build up a positive self image of yourself and speak to yourself in positive ways telling yourself that you are worthy of a good woman.... and you are, you sound lovely just through your writing. As for having children i met a lady the other day who was 42 years old and pregnant with her first child. It just goes to show you can have children when you are older and in your 40's....you have your whole life ahead of you, there is plently of time.

SURE U ARENT A MONSTER....BEAUTY IS INSIDE...

To me you are just a baby, my children are older then you. You still have time to find the right person and have children, most people are not getting married until 35 - 40. I am sure Miss right is out there waiting for you. A way to meet women is this: Talk to her, like it is such a nice day, if she is not interested go to another girl, there will be someone who wants you. Don't be shy just do it. You are still young, and have a life time to live. Think of yourself as beautiful, because every person is different and that makes you special.

Lizzy2046, I guess I see myself as a 'horrible person' because that's always what I've been told that I am, and shown that I am. Some people might say that I'm not, but it feels like empty words when still nobody will ... when your not allowed physical or emotional contact with anyone. When your still alone, not even anyone to have dinner with. That's when I look in a mirror and see a monster ...

You need to stop seeing yourself as a pack animal and thinking you don't fit in. You see yourself as something scary not everyone else. I feel like you see yourself as some horrible person and you guard your feelings and it's hard to let people into your life.If you are shy that can make you feel like you don't fit in cause you don't know how to. You seem like a great guy if only you can see that yourself.

the last bit just broke my heart. Im here for you if you want to talk even though theres a big age gap, to me, it means nothing.