"let Love Be A Moving Sea Between The Shores Of Our Souls..." ~ K. Gibran

...I've always been "a loner"...as a child of hippie parents who traveled around the country in V.W. buses, camping, playing at the seashore, exploring forests and believing I could see faeries, sprites and gnomes in them who loved me, and living in haunted houses and pretending that the ghosts could hear me when I whispered, and of my autistic-like escapist spinning in circles for hours on end, and of knowing things, terrible things about how I thought my life as an adult would be, and of the first deck of Tarot cards my mother gave me at the age of ten, and the hillside alternative hippie school I spent one splendid year playing in when I was eleven, and of the little girl soul who first began to fragment when I was four, according to my shamanic healer, and of seeing myself in other, sorrowful, shattered, suicidal lives, and of befriending the macabre spirits I met through my Ouiga board, and on and on, I was terrified to know you, terrified to look into your eyes, because for the first 18 years of my life, I was sure you were laughing at me, mocking me, so much so that my eyes would water in fear as I tried to be invisible down the high school halls, so much so that I had to hide in the school library to cry just to make it through each day...and then, the college near NYC, the nightclubs, the transformation I experienced from Gothic punk rock girl lost in drugs and nightclubs, to a college drop-out, to a hollowed-out doll who on cocaine could let herself be whipped bloody for money, and how soon all of that left me feral, little more than a rabid wolf who leered at the world who slit eyes and growled, "If you come any closer to me, I'll rip you to shreds. I will kill you..."

And in the years after, the years of trying to stay sober, the years of birthing two boys from unplanned pregnancies, and a 20 year-long grief for a marriage lost before it had a chance to be found, with the first of these babies victimized by vaccines, and within two years brain-injured enough to earn the word "autistic" and "epileptic" and wounded beyond repair...and the second, oh ****, I don't want to listen to myself whine any longer about my life, but what I really want to say is I am tired of being alone and lonely...five years again I just spent hibernating like a gut-shot bear, bleeding out slow and starving for spring, but knowing emerging would probably mean more of the same...except now I've gained a few pounds, and now I've lost many of my molars because of years of not caring whether I lived or died, and now I am so splintered and unpredictably frightened by certain aspects of sex, and then simply unable to find friends, or lovers, a man, or a woman, or both, who accept me as I am...for I need not great physical beauty, I only long for the ones whose eyes are so deep and vast and vivid and lucent and half-shadowy, the ones who in photographs even seem three-dimensional, feeling brimming forth, hungry and trusting and intimately interwoven with the Universe, and awakened, and who would never corner me such that my feral memories snap forth like venom, this old Year of the Snake baby that I am...

And now I surely begin to frighten you away, when words caress and clench and swoon me like this, I no longer realize what I am saying. ..I only know that part of why I am here is to heal what has been broken for lifetimes, and to cast off the spider curse of forced solitude and sorrow which has embedded itself into generations of women on my mother's side before me, or so has seen my Shaman, Ana Larramendi...this spider whose talons would never let us go and has continued to perpetuate a walled-off misery within each of us, and I have tried to let the light carry the arachnid away, but I still feel the abyss where her talons dug in...

In any case, here to heal, here to learn the Things of the Heart through Touching and Being Touched in all the ways there are to do and be...and I can only learn these things in the presence, in the sweat and blood and breath of other human beings...but the one or ones I am supposed to learn from and with have not come forth, and I have hidden myself away in a small town, and I have no means to discover who they could be...


One thing is certain: I have given more than a fair share of my life to solitude. I have plunged myself alone into the outer layers of Hell and felt how badly it craved me...and now it is time to awaken, to come back to life, and to embrace with all that I am the sensual, the mystical, the Tantric, the whole, endless rapture, like my dream of human angels, each within each, in an eternal undulating wave of loving...

So where are you out there? I know you exist. And I do believe this attuned aloneness and abyssal loneliness will end. For I do love Hillary and Solitude has taught me all she can teach me.





Faersylphaelsea Faersylphaelsea
41-45, F
5 Responses Aug 9, 2010

Ive been up all night triping on salvia communing with the spirits. Im a disabled artist who lives in las vegas. Igot so desperate for answers that i bought some aayauchau powder i need spiritual advice from the spirits. My plan was to take itevery day for a year to find myself. Ive been all alone for 20 years. You made me cry im sorry if i cant write that well i have TBI. I live alone and my days consist of bordom so i meditate to balance my shakras. I use visualization to repair and rewire my damaged brain so far so good phase one complete. Im thinking of hiking the sSierra crest trail come February i need to find me. I dont take drugs anymore and i hate liquor dads an ex drunk i grewvup in a shattered home where father taught us to eat out of a microwave and mom was organic being that they divorced at age 5 it caused a lot of pain moving back and forth so i started taking drugs first pot in third grade and acid and heavier stuff latter on. Ive been clean off all drugs for 25 years i smoke pot now and then if im camping but i never keep it around i hate the paranoid feelings. I do take psychedelics now and then in a safe and controled environment its my portal to the spirit world. Im working on a way to enlighten the world with my theoretical physics theories hoping to break new ground and get these earth destroyers on theright track. Im soul searching for the answers ti my life and my loneliness. We can talk im real open with myemail because its on my website brianmalpasso.com let the spirits guide you on a beautiful morning god bleass and Peace

Thank you Bobby for your kind words :) I am so sorry to hear that you are hurting. There's one thing that has helped me in the past to understand why things are the way they are, as well as how to break through any imbalances in one's Chakra, or energy blockages that may be responsible for the sense you have of being stuck and of that which you long for being denied to you.<br />
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I would recommend you seek some alternative methods. Yoga, although it may seem difficult at first, is an incredible way to find peace, to go inward, to focus on the thing that is standing in your way and work your way through, until you emerge on the other side and realize that for the first time in your life you feel really, truly whole and free. There are several different types of Yoga, however, each designed for a particular need, so you must ask teachers if there form of yoga is best suited to you. <br />
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The other alternative method which has helped me is to be seen by a shaman. My shaman is a woman who received most of her training in Peru. She is beautiful, and twice now, she has helped restore soul fragments which split away from me during times of deep grief or trauma. And she has helped me glimpse other lifetimes to help explain why I find myself reliving the same painful lessons this time around. And she asks her spirit guides what it is I need to do. And she helps me move through emotional, spiritual, metaphysical blockages in my being that are preventing me from me achieving my dreams. And she reminds me to watch my tendency for self-sorcery, which simply means that we feed ourselves internal messages of hopelessness, and negativity, and unworthiness for so long that we finally come to believe in them. When "scripts" of this intensity are buried within us, it can be virtually impossible for anything outside of the script to manifest itself in our lives. So the moment you hear yourself speak unkindly to you, or you think, 'Why bother, I give up, no one will ever love me...' you must tell yourself to stop it, and change your internal monologue to its positive. <br />
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My shaman has also helped me move through grief in a very profound way. I cried from a place I'd never before been, someplace between hypnosis and being wide awake, here and yet not here. It was so amazing. And after each session with her I would go outside and everything would feel alive, and my senses were as attuned as a wild animal, and everything sparkled and glistened.<br />
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So find yourself a reputable shaman and a yoga teacher and try the way I have described to you. I can guarantee these two things will change your life in the way you desire. Besides, there are lots of lovely ladies at yoga class :)<br />
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Wishing you the best :)<br />
Hillary

I think your words are described so beautifully. I dont need to see you in order to realize you are beautiful. forever. B

i knw how u feel.im in the same place as u.if u like to chat,message me

what a life,but you are a thinking person so use it.you are good